Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Today is a Tuesday and you will understand more in a little bit as to why I find them hard to get through. The hubs and I have been trying to have a baby for the past three years. We had one year of trying, two failed IUI's and just most recently went through an IVF that was successful until January 11, 2011. The day our world came crashing down. I was just over 37 weeks, down to weekly appointments with our OB/GYN and seemed to have had a fairly easy pregnancy. Very little morning sickness, a little back pain and a mild case of placenta previa that was decided at an ultrasound back in mid-December had improved and would allow me to deliver vaginally. All was going so well until our doctor appointment on January 10. The prior week at my appointment our precious little girl had a heartbeat of 145 and I remember thinking how the sound reminded me of a horse galloping. The doctor stated to me that if I went into labor at this point that she would be fine and not have to go into the NICU. I remember thinking to myself that I would not be happy until our little girl was in my arms and I heard her making sounds and deemed to be fine by our doctor. The next few days following the appointment I was busy helping a neighbor who had just given birth a few weeks before. I had made a meal and delivered to their house. I was busy and did notice that I was feeling less movement than the prior week. I quickly checked the WTE book and found that you can feel less movement towards the end of your pregnancy due to their being less room. I also called our Nurse Line and was told to drink a glass of ice water and lay on my side and count the movements and if I had five in an hour to not be concerned. I felt four movements and decided that everything was okay. Now to the hard part...my hubs and I went in for our weekly appointment on January 10. The doctor came in to our room and asked me if I had been crying. I quickly explained that we were a little concerned about the movement and he pulled out his doppler to get her heartbeat. I remember him grabbing my wrist to check my pulse. He said he was going to get an ultrasound and stepped out of the room. He returned quickly with a machine and another doctor. I asked my hubs to come over to the exam table and within seconds we learned there was no more heartbeat with our little girl. We were devastated, shocked, crying, shaking, how could this happen? In the blink of an eye your world can change so quickly. We were experiencing this moment. The doctor consoled us as much as he could in this moment and then started explaining our options. He wanted to admit me right then to Labor and Delivery and explained that I would have to be induced and that it could last from one day to a week. We tried to compose ourselves and asked if we could go home and return in a few hours. We both went home and tried to do what we could to prepare for what was ahead...if that is even possible. We had furry critters that needed to be tended to and neighbors called on to take care of them. We both called our immediate family and told them our terrible news. We have some extended family that live in the area however both sets of our parents live out of state. We returned to the hospital and was admitted early evening. We waited several hours before we even saw a nurse or doctor. I was started on a medicine that was supposed to induce labor. I remember being in the room and just feeling so shaken and scared of what was happening. I was their to give birth to our baby girl who was now still. Over the course of the evening and next day I was given many drugs, an epidural and by the next evening was laboring and delivered our daughter Leia Grace at 8:45pm. She was beautiful and I will never forget the dark brown curly hair and her expression on her face. After she was delivered the doctor put her on my tummy and I remember the feeling of knowing that I would probably never have this moment again. We were able to hold her and got several pictures of her that we will cherish forever. I know I should love this day but each Tuesday I look back and remember it as the day we said both hello and good-bye to our precious baby girl that we both so wanted and loved.