Saturday, May 28, 2011

Mark Nepo and the End of the Oprah Show

I have posted on here many times how I've watched Oprah and some of the things she has said have always spoken to me. I remember when her show was just getting started and I would watch it with my Mom when I came home from school. I also watched on/off during college and then for about fifteen years I never watched it faithfully as I was always working till five or later. In the past several years I have watched many of her shows (thanks to DVR). I will miss hearing her poignant and meaningful thoughts. I've wondered what I'll do now that I have an extra forty-five minutes each day since her show will no longer be on. I'll survive and catch her on some of her new things that she's doing over at OWN, when I have the time. I sent her an email thanking her and I've received two emails from her since Wednesday's last show. I am sure it is a mass email that she is sending out but it really does seem as she is actually doing the typing of these emails, I could be wrong. Her last email had an excerpt from Mark Nepo's Book of Awakening that she reads daily. I'd like to share this as it has really stuck with me since reading it. 


"The idea here is not to divert the sadness, but to give it a context from life other than what is making you sad. Just as a ginger can lose its bitterness when baked in bread, sadness can be leavened by other life. When feeling the sharpness of being sad or hurt, it helps to take new things in. This pours the water of life on the fire of the heart. So when exhausted from expressing all that hurt, listen to music you've never heard of, or ask someone to tell you an old story from before your birth, or take a drive down a road near a ridge you've always meant to look out from. Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness. Your sadness is the paint. You must find a canvas."

I need to find my canvas. I hope to think and act on this soon. Another way to express my sadness. I need to get out of my comfort zone and do some new things. Hopefully doing this will inspire me and help me to move on from the sadness. Our losing Leia is never going to change but how I act going forward, I can control.

On another note next weekend is the Memorial Service at our hospital that they hold each year in June. We will put Leia's ashes in her urn that we have bought. I hope to get some other things to start a garden that will bring me memories and help me to honor our Leia Grace. For now, missing you dear little girl. We are thinking of you all the time and you are in our ever presence and heart. Love you always Leia Grace.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Legislative Advocacy for Families

A fellow blogger shared this important information yesterday on her site. There is a bill being proposed to help families undergoing fertility treatments to possibly receive future tax credits. Please visit this site: Family Bill and contact your local Senators so this bill may be passed. This is very important legislation and we have been through two IUI's, one IVF and maybe more in the future depending on what happens. If a bill like this is passed it would help with possible future treatments. Please spread the word about this to others!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Not Much Today

Drained, tired, lost, feeling like I am in a bubble and can't get out. I have nothing today but tomorrow is another day.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Pregnant People Everywhere

We ventured out today to run a few errands and catch a movie. It seemed everywhere we went there was a pregnant woman. I think I counted to ten and then stopped. It's right there smacking you in the face and a reminder of everything that has happened. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for these women but it is so difficult to see it and not think about my past and what has happened. So hard to see it and think back to when I was happy and pregnant. We then ended up at the same movie theater that we had not been to since New Year's Eve and when I was still pregnant. This particular theater has probably more than 12 different theaters to watch movies in yet we still seemed to end up in the same one we were in back in January. I handled it okay, but what are the chances of that happening? So anyways, that's all I have for today. I hope everyone in blog land has a good week.

Thinking so much of you today Leia while we were out and you are in my heart always.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Leia's Furry Brother

I wrote back in March a post about this topic. Above is a picture of my doggie taken back in March, his name is Chug and for the past eleven years he has been a huge part of my life. I got this cute little doggie about the time that I was really starting to have motherly instincts kick-in and thought that having children would be great. In essence he has been my child for the past decade. For everyone out there with furry friends, you know what I am talking about. In the time I've had him I've survived my first marriage ending, two moves that were to two different states, met and married my current husband (the best thing to have happened in my life), a job loss not by my choice but was probably for the best and of course most recently the biggest loss in my life, losing my daughter Leia Grace. He has been through all the up and downs of my life. I am so lucky to have this doggie around. He senses when I am down and always like any dog is so happy when I arrive home. I just can't write enough about how much this doggie means to me.

I used to think during the pregnancy about how he would be affected by Leia's arrival. I knew he would adjust eventually and start to realize that he was no longer "top dog". He would have been a great furry brother and friend to her, this I know for sure. I don't know how much longer I have with him, but I do know one thing. I am going to enjoy the time I have with him and that means daily walks where we enjoy nature and being outside. It means taking the time to appreciate his presence and him being around. Since he has a very serious pancreatitis condition I am not sure when his life might be over. It is the little things that matter. I need to keep moving forward, thinking more positive and living life more happily. My life has drastically changed in the past four months but how I react and handle myself going forward make me stronger each day.

Thinking of you always little Leia Grace. We love you so much, Mommy, Daddy & Your Furry Brother

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Randomness Ramblings

I saw a show yesterday where a comment was made that after losing his child a piece of him went with him and that he would never get over losing his son. I could so relate to what he said and it is so true. It is like part of me is longing for Leia and wanting her here so much and then another part of me disappeared the day we learned she was gone. I would have done anything to bring her back. To have changed that moment or what was said to us by our doctor. I had been preparing for months before for her arrival into our lives. Trying to do all the "right" things during my pregnancy like exercising, eating right, staying positive and not stressing over every little thing. Preparing her nursery and shopping for all the "right" things. For the most part that was how my pregnancy went but the last week of my pregnancy is so daunting to me. I keep replaying in my head those days and when exactly did Leia pass. Did I instinctively know and just dismiss it? Why didn't I go to the hospital when I thought her movements and kicks had slowed down? Why didn't I react more quickly? What was I thinking? Would it have changed out outcome or what happened? These are all things I think about quite frequently and while I know I shouldn't I can't help myself sometimes. I think it is part of my grief and just dealing with what has happened. I need to let myself cry and let it out because if not I will explode at one point. A part of me is gone and I am different. I have changed. There is nothing that is going to make anything different at this point. So I must find a way to live with Leia not in our lives but in my spirit and soul. She is with me and I think of her all the time and every day. 

My working has made me so tired. I think just putting on a smile and front that everything is fine takes even more work. I am consumed with learning all the new processes and items I am responsible for. It takes my mind off thinking about Leia however I find when I get home from work that I am so exhausted both mentally and physically that all I can do is lay on our couch and read. I hope that eventually once I learn the job that I will be able to be more productive in the evenings or before going to work. I need to be more gentle with myself and give myself a little slack. Getting back into the swing of working even if it is just part-time it is structured work and it is very stimulating and requires my attention to detail. I think I also struggle with being back at work because I was up until three years ago so focused on work and my career that I expect I can do what I always did before. I find my concentration and being able to pick things up so quickly has changed a bit. This is probably just a fact that I am aging and I am no longer as attentive or able to remember as well. Ah...egads, I am feeling so old. 

My last topic is about friends and several of you having wrote some great posts about dealing with them and our ability to cope. I also find myself just being able to "get out" is quite an uphill battle. This past weekend we went out with a couple that my hubs and I are both friends with. They have a baby girl who is living and would have been about a year older than Leia. We used to joke when I was pregnant how we couldn't wait for our "little girls" to play together or have play dates. So anyways we attempted to go out and listen to some music and while I did enjoy the music we just found it hard to talk. This is most likely because we really couldn't hear each other above the music. However, I did find myself zoning out and not really paying attention at all. I felt bad about this once we got home but then I thought about how they must be feeling too as they are mourning the loss of Leia and trying to deal with how they approach us or what they say. I know this couple meant well and that they want to help us but sometimes I think they just don't know what to say or do. So I get what everyone is saying about their friends. It is hard. Some friends you will lose and others you will find along the way. I guess when you go through something like this you find out just exactly who your friends are. Enough said but thank you to everyone for your posts and writing on this topic.

Love and thinking of you dear darling Leia Grace. <3

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Should Be's...

Today we are invited to two different birthday parties for little girls. These kind of days are especially hard. One is for my great-niece who is turning seven and the other is for our neighbor/friends little girl turning two. And we are not going to them. I want to but it just hurts too much to think about what should be. We should be dressing up Leia in a cute dress and introducing her to new friends and family. We should be taking walks with Leia in the neighborhood. So many should-be thoughts. Instead we will run away from our house for the day and just try to get our minds off the day. The one party is right next to our house and will be outside so if we are home we will surely hear all the little voices and fun being had. I want to go but it just doesn't seem possible this year. I imagine that if I did go that I'd end up crying and having tears running down my face with everyone staring at me and wondering why I am so upset. I just can't do it yet and I feel if I am not ready then I just need to do what feels right. So I am sorry Cadence and Ruthie for missing your parties. I would like to be there for your special days but I am just not ready. I wish you both a Happy Birthday!

Dear Leia,
I wish you were here today. So you could meet your cousin and go to her birthday party. I know you would have been friends and enjoyed each other's company. I miss you so much dear little one and today seems like I can't get through it without feeling your loss and being gone so strong. I want to be better for you but sometimes I just MISS YOU SO much. I love you and will be thinking of you all day today. Love, Mommy

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Four Months

Today marks four months since we met and said good-bye to our precious and beautiful daughter Leia. It also marks the one-year anniversary of our egg implantation day. So much has happened in the past year. I still can't believe sometimes what our journey has been and wonder where we are heading and what the future holds for us. I hope one day I can look back on this time as a period of reflection and that going forward I am able to help others in similar situations. 

My day has been up and down but when I got home tonight I was surprised by an envelope in the mail that was addressed "Leia's Mommy". Thanks to Molly for sending me a beautiful necklace. It really cheered me up and made me feel so grateful for the many great women that I have met here in the blogging community. Thanks again Molly for the wonderful gift that you gave away for Mother’s Day. I will cherish it forever.

I am trying to think more positive these days rather than negative. I did start my job this past Monday and it seems to be going well. There are many things to learn and new faces. I like being in an environment where nobody knows my past history. I have a place to escape to that I can be productive and feel a like I am contributing. I hope it will continue to go well and feel that it is good for me to be getting out every day during the week.

So I guess I end with a heavy heart and thinking about our Leia. The time we spent with you was so short but you are always in our hearts and we are thinking of and loving you always. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

A mother's happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories. ~Honoré de Balzac

So many memories of Leia from the pregnancy and the little time that we spent with her back in January. I am so glad to have experienced them and while today is very hard I know Leia is with me in spirit and carrying me through this day. I love you Leia Grace.

I wish a Happy Mother's Day to all BLM's.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Upcoming Week and Days

I am here again. The beginning of a month but not just any month. You see this time last year is when we were in the midst of our IVF. Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of our egg retrieval. I remember hoping that our implantation would be at the 3-day mark because it would be Mother's Day. While that did not happen it did take place on the 11th, 5 days after the retrieval. The number 11 seems to play a key part in Leia's life inside of my womb. She was implanted on the 11th and delivered the 11th of January. Eight months that she was with me, breathing, growing, kicking, and moving around. I remember all the ultrasounds and hearing her heart beating. Why didn't I ever record one of them? So many regrets and looking back on what could or should have been. She is gone now and it hurts so much. I also dread the upcoming Mother's Day. Everywhere I go there are signs or advertisements for the day. Any other year this would not bother or get to me but this year while yes, I am a Mother it will not be celebrated like others do. Spending time with their babies or children. I will be remembering Leia and thinking of how I wish she were here with us.

Dear Leia,
Mommy misses you so much and I hope you are in a better place and having fun. I love you so much and never a days goes by that I don't think about or remember you. Please know this and that you were the best baby during my pregnancy. So gentle and kind to me and never a bother. I love and miss you soooooooo much.
Love always, Mommy

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What Grief Feels Like

I was asked today to describe what grief feels like. My first thought was silence and pain in my stomach. Grief feels lonely. You see others going about their life and you feel as if you are stuck in a certain spot and unable to move forward. It is overwhelming, tiring, painful, like constantly being punched in the gut. I feel also as if what is the use of doing anything. Why bother with anything because will it really matter tomorrow? I feel hopeless, the most I have ever felt in my life. I am missing my baby girl that should be here with me on this pretty and warm spring day. I see a butterfly and it makes me think of her and her leaving the earth. I want to be that butterfly and just fly away from everything. I wish that was possible. Grief can come and go too. Just when you think that you are getting "through it" much easier, it all comes flooding back. You are right back where you were and feeling down. I don't know how to explain it but it is the worst feeling I have had in my entire life. I just want Leia back and want to go back to the end of last year when I was feeling so good and happy about life.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Weekend and Other Thoughts

Over the weekend we watched the movie "Rabbit Hole". I had seen Nicole Kidman on television promoting the movie when it was released at the end of last year. I remember thinking that I wouldn't watch the movie since it had a child dying in it and with our impending arrival there would be no way I could watch it after Leia was born. Little did I know what would happen to us the next month. That our lives would forever change and be so different. I don't know if I think it is cathartic to watch this type of movie or if I was looking to see how the couple in the movie coped. It definitely was a sad movie and left both my hubs and I in a melancholy and down mood once it was over. There were some points in the movie that made me really think about how we have been handling our grief for Leia. I think we both have our own ways of dealing with the loss of Leia. My hubs doesn't really talk too much about it and if I do bring up the topic or say something about Leia he will often change the subject. Not always but I think he has his escape of going to work every day while I am left at home with reminders and to wallow in it each day. We have both definitely changed because of the loss and I think we are both trying to figure out just how to cope and move on. In the movie Nicole had expected a friend of hers to be more available and there for her during her loss. I could relate to this part of the movie as I have found a few people in my life have kind of drifted off and not really been here for me. I don't know what I expected them to do. So to end on the movie, I think it was good to watch but for some it could be too much. It is just how I am dealing with my grief and according to my therapist there are no rules and I should do what feels right.

We decided to go to the Container Store. I love that store. I could spend all day in it and buy everything to make our life more organized and clutter free. We went to try and find a crochet box that we could use to store Leia's items in and use as a memory box. It was just the right size however now I am wondering if I should have purchased more than one. The memory box now holds her clothes and papers from the hospital, her hand and footprint impressions, all the cards and notes we received and a few other mementos that remind us of Leia. We've decided to store it in our family room and it also makes me feel like Leia is in some way with us and in our daily lives. I've yet to get the pictures we had taken printed off or copies made. One day I'd like to get the pictures in something more formal or nice for display. I just keep putting this project off and feel like when the time is right I will do this. Just taking each day and trying to honor and remember our sweet and precious little girl that we so love and wanted with us here in real life.

It seems as if I missed International Babylost Mothers Day that was yesterday. So to everyone that is in this club, that each of us is certainly not happy to be a part of, I wish you all wellness and goodness on this second day of May. I wish we all could have met in a much different way.