Monday, May 2, 2011

Weekend and Other Thoughts

Over the weekend we watched the movie "Rabbit Hole". I had seen Nicole Kidman on television promoting the movie when it was released at the end of last year. I remember thinking that I wouldn't watch the movie since it had a child dying in it and with our impending arrival there would be no way I could watch it after Leia was born. Little did I know what would happen to us the next month. That our lives would forever change and be so different. I don't know if I think it is cathartic to watch this type of movie or if I was looking to see how the couple in the movie coped. It definitely was a sad movie and left both my hubs and I in a melancholy and down mood once it was over. There were some points in the movie that made me really think about how we have been handling our grief for Leia. I think we both have our own ways of dealing with the loss of Leia. My hubs doesn't really talk too much about it and if I do bring up the topic or say something about Leia he will often change the subject. Not always but I think he has his escape of going to work every day while I am left at home with reminders and to wallow in it each day. We have both definitely changed because of the loss and I think we are both trying to figure out just how to cope and move on. In the movie Nicole had expected a friend of hers to be more available and there for her during her loss. I could relate to this part of the movie as I have found a few people in my life have kind of drifted off and not really been here for me. I don't know what I expected them to do. So to end on the movie, I think it was good to watch but for some it could be too much. It is just how I am dealing with my grief and according to my therapist there are no rules and I should do what feels right.

We decided to go to the Container Store. I love that store. I could spend all day in it and buy everything to make our life more organized and clutter free. We went to try and find a crochet box that we could use to store Leia's items in and use as a memory box. It was just the right size however now I am wondering if I should have purchased more than one. The memory box now holds her clothes and papers from the hospital, her hand and footprint impressions, all the cards and notes we received and a few other mementos that remind us of Leia. We've decided to store it in our family room and it also makes me feel like Leia is in some way with us and in our daily lives. I've yet to get the pictures we had taken printed off or copies made. One day I'd like to get the pictures in something more formal or nice for display. I just keep putting this project off and feel like when the time is right I will do this. Just taking each day and trying to honor and remember our sweet and precious little girl that we so love and wanted with us here in real life.

It seems as if I missed International Babylost Mothers Day that was yesterday. So to everyone that is in this club, that each of us is certainly not happy to be a part of, I wish you all wellness and goodness on this second day of May. I wish we all could have met in a much different way.


  1. Jason and I are the same as y'all in dealing... he has to go out and deal with people every day, so he has to put it in the back of his mind (something I can't seem to do even if I wanted to), and I can stay home and focus on Hayes if I want to. He has finally started bringing him up to me and letting me know what hurt him throughout his day. I wish I could tell you what changed to make him start doing that, but I have no clue.

    I know I could not handle that movie. No way!

    I looooove organizing, too. Glad you got a nice box for her things. I have a nice memory box in the living room that holds Hayes' photos and hand and foot prints. But all of the cards and the rest of the stuff from the hospital is in a drawer in Hayes' room. I guess I will leave it there until we need that room for someone else (hopefully).

  2. I just added that movie to my netflix list. I'm not a huge movie watcher, but I guess I have to check it out, and I'm sure I'll cry through the whole movie.
    I am glad to hear you found a nice box to place Leia's items in.
    I hope your first day of work went well also!
    Thinking of you and Leia always

  3. I watched it on Thursday. I remember Nicole promoting that movie on Oprah (I watched that day because I love Keith Urban and he was on too). Anyways I remember thinking that would be a movie I wouldn't want to watch as I was pregnant with Addison and knew she would be here by the time the movie came out...soon after we lost her I was looking up where the move was playing. I finally got around to ordering it on netflix. I wish there were more movies out there for moms like us. I was glad they didn't end it all "happily ever afer style" it wouldn't have been realistic at all, but still people won't get it, that you NEVER get over losing a child.