Everyday life in our household of a professor/scientist, homemaker, little boy and a big sister who is gone but never forgotten.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I saw a show yesterday where a comment was made that after losing his child a piece of him went with him and that he would never get over losing his son. I could so relate to what he said and it is so true. It is like part of me is longing for Leia and wanting her here so much and then another part of me disappeared the day we learned she was gone. I would have done anything to bring her back. To have changed that moment or what was said to us by our doctor. I had been preparing for months before for her arrival into our lives. Trying to do all the "right" things during my pregnancy like exercising, eating right, staying positive and not stressing over every little thing. Preparing her nursery and shopping for all the "right" things. For the most part that was how my pregnancy went but the last week of my pregnancy is so daunting to me. I keep replaying in my head those days and when exactly did Leia pass. Did I instinctively know and just dismiss it? Why didn't I go to the hospital when I thought her movements and kicks had slowed down? Why didn't I react more quickly? What was I thinking? Would it have changed out outcome or what happened? These are all things I think about quite frequently and while I know I shouldn't I can't help myself sometimes. I think it is part of my grief and just dealing with what has happened. I need to let myself cry and let it out because if not I will explode at one point. A part of me is gone and I am different. I have changed. There is nothing that is going to make anything different at this point. So I must find a way to live with Leia not in our lives but in my spirit and soul. She is with me and I think of her all the time and every day. My working has made me so tired. I think just putting on a smile and front that everything is fine takes even more work. I am consumed with learning all the new processes and items I am responsible for. It takes my mind off thinking about Leia however I find when I get home from work that I am so exhausted both mentally and physically that all I can do is lay on our couch and read. I hope that eventually once I learn the job that I will be able to be more productive in the evenings or before going to work. I need to be more gentle with myself and give myself a little slack. Getting back into the swing of working even if it is just part-time it is structured work and it is very stimulating and requires my attention to detail. I think I also struggle with being back at work because I was up until three years ago so focused on work and my career that I expect I can do what I always did before. I find my concentration and being able to pick things up so quickly has changed a bit. This is probably just a fact that I am aging and I am no longer as attentive or able to remember as well. Ah...egads, I am feeling so old. My last topic is about friends and several of you having wrote some great posts about dealing with them and our ability to cope. I also find myself just being able to "get out" is quite an uphill battle. This past weekend we went out with a couple that my hubs and I are both friends with. They have a baby girl who is living and would have been about a year older than Leia. We used to joke when I was pregnant how we couldn't wait for our "little girls" to play together or have play dates. So anyways we attempted to go out and listen to some music and while I did enjoy the music we just found it hard to talk. This is most likely because we really couldn't hear each other above the music. However, I did find myself zoning out and not really paying attention at all. I felt bad about this once we got home but then I thought about how they must be feeling too as they are mourning the loss of Leia and trying to deal with how they approach us or what they say. I know this couple meant well and that they want to help us but sometimes I think they just don't know what to say or do. So I get what everyone is saying about their friends. It is hard. Some friends you will lose and others you will find along the way. I guess when you go through something like this you find out just exactly who your friends are. Enough said but thank you to everyone for your posts and writing on this topic. Love and thinking of you dear darling Leia Grace. <3