Sunday, July 31, 2011

The End of July

Today is the last day of the month. A new month starts and we are further away from January and when my little Leia was delivered. It seems some days as if no time has passed and then others that I feel like it has been an eternity. But really it hasn't at all. I still think of my Leia all the time. What would she be doing if she were alive? How would she be getting along and what she might look like. It is hard some days more than others. I've had my share of crying today and probably will have a little more. We've had some thunderstorms here today and on days like this, where the sun is in and out I tend to be a little more melancholy. Maybe it is because I am home alone and having some time to think and process things about my Leia.

I had a dream that we were looking for cribs. I woke up with a feeling of why would we be doing that. My hubs and I have talked in the past week about what we will do moving forward. We have to decide fairly soon (I am not getting any younger as the months go on) about if we want to try and do another procedure with our frozen embryos or if we will just wait. We know this won't be done next month as we are traveling but I guess just the thought of going back to our fertility office has me getting a little apprehensive. In the beginning when this all happened we decided that we would try on our own and that if that didn't work then we would start to consider doing something with the frozen embryos that we have left. This SCARES me so much. I mean in reality the procedure will not be the same as our first IVF fresh cycle however it will still mean numerous doctor appointments, ultrasounds, decisions to be made. In a way I want success but then I think about the outcome of that. Are we betraying Leia in some way by trying to conceive again? Will the procedure work? If it does not work what will we do? So many questions and thoughts running through my mind. I also then have thoughts of why oh why we just can't conceive on our own. It seems so pointless to even bring it up at this point but everything would be so much easier if that would just happen on our own. In the months that we have tried we have had no success but we did have one very late cycle. It just seems so easy for some to conceive and while I know there are so MANY women out there that can't. I just feel so inferior, like I am not a woman if I can't conceive on my own. Like my body has failed me. I am perfectly healthy otherwise. I just had all my blood tests done and blood pressure is fine. I just don't understand why I can't do this one thing and you have no control over it. It sucks.

Approaching the seven-month mark. I've got some things planned for the month to help me get through it. An overnight trip to the beach with a good friend who gets this whole fertility trek. She is about three years younger and struggling with infertility as well and so we have some good talks about this whole journey. We also have a wedding on my side of the family so we will make a trip to our home state of New York and spend time between both of our families. It will be nice to see all of our families but I can't help but think of how I had envisioned our trip this time last year. Leia would have probably been meeting some of her family for the first time and it would have been so fun to introduce her to everyone and have her dressed up so pretty for a wedding. It won't be how I had planned. We talk daily about not going but I can't do that to my family. I want to but I know I can't. Life goes on. Major life events happen for others. You know others who are struggling. We are all having our up and downs. We just need to get through and enjoy this life as much as we can.

I hope everyone has a good week and that all of you out there with special dates are doing okay. I am thinking of you all every day and sending love.

Thinking of and missing you sweet baby girl Leia Grace. Mommy misses you so much and I think of you all the time. I see a butterfly and it reminds me of you. I was just outside and had one fly near me. I felt a little closer to you when that butterfly flew over my head.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


I can't believe I haven't posted in over a week. I've had much on my mind and lots going on. I have been keeping up with other fellow blogger's and posting a few comments when I could or felt I had something to say. Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post. 

So a good friend from college days flew in this past Friday from upstate NY. We have been friends 20+ years and had a good visit. I was apprehensive about picking her up from the airport. I cried as I drove to the airport knowing that we would be talking about Leia. We have talked over the phone several times since January but with her here I wanted to share with her about Leia. So after a late lunch and light talk about other things we were finally home and before I knew it I was showing her Leia's pictures/room and we were crying and hugging each other. It was good to talk with her about Leia. She said it just didn't seem fair that she was not here with us and she didn't understand how this could have happened but that she was glad she came down and sorry she hadn't come sooner than she did. I am glad we were able to have these moments in person and to talk about my Leia. I felt so much better after this.

This friend gets what we have been through. She's struggled with the fact of not having her own child due to some circumstances outside of her control. Her spouse had two children very young and they are both out of high school now. Her husband had a procedure that kept him from reproducing which they attempted to have reversed and the surgery was not successful. So after this was done they both made the decision that they would not have any children together, nor would they adopt. I asked her in one of our phone conversations a few months back how she had come to this place and how she was able to live with the fact of knowing that she would never have her own child. She told me that she just decided that for her adoption what not an option and that she decided as a couple they would focus on other things in their life. They've started their own business, they travel and in a few weeks they will get a new golden retriever puppy that will be eight weeks old. They are accepting and moving on with their "child free" life as a couple. I admire that my friend has been able to do this. She told me that she has had a few moments where she has seen other family members pregnant or with their babies and that she had to take a few minutes to herself and just take it in. She said she realized she would never have that. I thought to myself how I was lucky to have over 9 months with Leia. I heard her heartbeat, felt her move, and kick inside of me. While I never got to hold her as a living baby I did get to see and hold her shortly after she was delivered. I spent several hours with her and have clippings of her hair, pictures and her hand/footprints. I guess what I am thinking now is that while I am of course sad and grieving the loss of my only baby girl, I am also thinking about the precious time that I did have with her. It was short and while she is physically gone now I do have her memory and her in my heart always. I don't know what the future holds. Will we get pregnant again? I don't know and all I can hope for is that I can one day be at peace if this is all we have. One precious baby girl not here but certainly in my heart. 

Love you Leia Grace.

Friday, July 15, 2011

This is My Life

I just came across a piece of paper that I had dated 12/29/10. I was still pregnant then with Leia and just got a flashback to that time. I just had to say to myself that I cannot believe this is my life. Life without her here. It sucks. I miss her so much and can't believe this is my reality. I wish sometimes I could just sleep the days away but I know that is not possible. Filling my days with distractions and just getting by it seems. I don't see how our life will be any better. My hubs tells me that we will have better days. Friends tell me this as well as my family. I just wonder when.

Thinking of and missing you Leia Grace. Mommy loves you so much.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Six Months

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart." -Helen Keller

Always in my heart sweet baby girl. Love and thinking of you all the time Leia Grace. 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Facebook Over a Year Ago

Many of you fellow BLM's have posted about Facebook and your experiences. I just had one that has brought tears to my eyes. You see I've found since being on FB I've reconnected with many family members and friends through the years and being able to find them on the site has been nice. But as of today I have been reminded of how a year ago I was so happy and excited for the arrival of our Leia. I have a cousin that I was in her wedding when she was married many years ago. I was her flower girl and about four years old. I've not seen this cousin probably in over five years, maybe more. I found her daughter on FB last year and sent her a note asking about her mother and how to get a hold of her. That was on June 25 of LAST year. I had sent her a message through chat and told her I really wanted to talk with her mother. I had some "important news". Well the daughter never got back to me so recently I sent another message and this one went to my cousins niece. So I guess the niece talked to her cousin who then finally sent me a message back. The problem is the message was from June 25 of LAST year. I seemed so happy and optimistic in that quick note to my cousin. I am glad I finally have my cousins contact information and I really do want to call her but it all just seems so unfair. I don't have the happy news now that I'd like to share.

For the most part as of late I have been staying off the FB. It really is more due to time issues than anything else. But like most others have said on their blogs it is "happyland". This time of year you see families and their loved ones going on vacations. Their are many pictures of babies that have just arrived. If you are in my scenario I also have friends with grandchildren already. They of course started their families right out of high school. There is nothing wrong with this it's just the life they chose. So I guess my point to this whole FB post is that while it is in general a great tool and a way to reconnect it is also a reminder of what you are missing out on. I know I've had other experiences that maybe others with families have not. I've had my choice of moving and living in several states. I've traveled and had many fun experiences. I've had MY time but now I just want a child that gives my husband and I something more to look forward to for the future. To experience the world through a child's eyes seems to be so amazing. I hope one day we have that but for now I'll keep my account on FB and log in when I can but for the most part just try to live each day looking forward and thinking positive.

Thinking of and missing you Leia. You would be almost six months old now. I can only imagine what you would be experiencing and the joy you'd be bringing to us in our lives. We love you and love you forever sweet precious baby girl Leia Grace.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Stepping Stones

I finally got Leia's stepping stones out in our back yard. I took a few pictures. The one picture that was taken further away it is hard to see Leia's initials. I like looking out our kitchen window and seeing the stones. It somehow makes me feel at peace and happy knowing they are now placed and seeing them daily.  I may decide to move them around from time to time. Also, they may need to be moved inside during our colder months of the year so this is the reason I have not put them more permanently into the ground.

I hope everyone had a good 4th of July. I wish a happy week to everyone and that some of you who are waiting on some news get the positive tests and results that you all so deserve.