Sunday, July 31, 2011

The End of July

Today is the last day of the month. A new month starts and we are further away from January and when my little Leia was delivered. It seems some days as if no time has passed and then others that I feel like it has been an eternity. But really it hasn't at all. I still think of my Leia all the time. What would she be doing if she were alive? How would she be getting along and what she might look like. It is hard some days more than others. I've had my share of crying today and probably will have a little more. We've had some thunderstorms here today and on days like this, where the sun is in and out I tend to be a little more melancholy. Maybe it is because I am home alone and having some time to think and process things about my Leia.

I had a dream that we were looking for cribs. I woke up with a feeling of why would we be doing that. My hubs and I have talked in the past week about what we will do moving forward. We have to decide fairly soon (I am not getting any younger as the months go on) about if we want to try and do another procedure with our frozen embryos or if we will just wait. We know this won't be done next month as we are traveling but I guess just the thought of going back to our fertility office has me getting a little apprehensive. In the beginning when this all happened we decided that we would try on our own and that if that didn't work then we would start to consider doing something with the frozen embryos that we have left. This SCARES me so much. I mean in reality the procedure will not be the same as our first IVF fresh cycle however it will still mean numerous doctor appointments, ultrasounds, decisions to be made. In a way I want success but then I think about the outcome of that. Are we betraying Leia in some way by trying to conceive again? Will the procedure work? If it does not work what will we do? So many questions and thoughts running through my mind. I also then have thoughts of why oh why we just can't conceive on our own. It seems so pointless to even bring it up at this point but everything would be so much easier if that would just happen on our own. In the months that we have tried we have had no success but we did have one very late cycle. It just seems so easy for some to conceive and while I know there are so MANY women out there that can't. I just feel so inferior, like I am not a woman if I can't conceive on my own. Like my body has failed me. I am perfectly healthy otherwise. I just had all my blood tests done and blood pressure is fine. I just don't understand why I can't do this one thing and you have no control over it. It sucks.

Approaching the seven-month mark. I've got some things planned for the month to help me get through it. An overnight trip to the beach with a good friend who gets this whole fertility trek. She is about three years younger and struggling with infertility as well and so we have some good talks about this whole journey. We also have a wedding on my side of the family so we will make a trip to our home state of New York and spend time between both of our families. It will be nice to see all of our families but I can't help but think of how I had envisioned our trip this time last year. Leia would have probably been meeting some of her family for the first time and it would have been so fun to introduce her to everyone and have her dressed up so pretty for a wedding. It won't be how I had planned. We talk daily about not going but I can't do that to my family. I want to but I know I can't. Life goes on. Major life events happen for others. You know others who are struggling. We are all having our up and downs. We just need to get through and enjoy this life as much as we can.

I hope everyone has a good week and that all of you out there with special dates are doing okay. I am thinking of you all every day and sending love.

Thinking of and missing you sweet baby girl Leia Grace. Mommy misses you so much and I think of you all the time. I see a butterfly and it reminds me of you. I was just outside and had one fly near me. I felt a little closer to you when that butterfly flew over my head.


  1. I am feeling so much the same way lately. As we are only a few days away from embryo transfer I worry that we are somehow trying to replace our son. Or that we will forget about him. Or that it is somehow an insult to him that we are trying for another child. As if somehow he wasn't good enough for us. Like you I worry that we are betraying him.

    But I think that our babies love us and want us to be happy. They are in a place where they understand that life has to go on for us, we cannot allow ourselves to be frozen in time. It's a huge leap of faith and I wish you the strength to make it.

  2. I know you will make a good choice about proceeding or not. Glad u have some distraction trips planned.

  3. I sent you an email from

    I wish your dream about looking for cribs comes true soon. Your little daughter will be with you always.

  4. Dereck actually asked me the other day if I am just trying to replace Liam since I have been wanting so badly to become pregnant again. I don't think any of us want to replace our babes, we will always love them and miss them. We just all really wanted to bring our babies home to keep and since that didn't happen for us there is this drive to still get that chance to bring home a healthy living baby.
    Whatever you and the hubby decide just know that I am always thinking of you guys and your Leia.