Time

I can't believe I haven't posted in over a week. I've had much on my mind and lots going on. I have been keeping up with other fellow blogger's and posting a few comments when I could or felt I had something to say. Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post. 


So a good friend from college days flew in this past Friday from upstate NY. We have been friends 20+ years and had a good visit. I was apprehensive about picking her up from the airport. I cried as I drove to the airport knowing that we would be talking about Leia. We have talked over the phone several times since January but with her here I wanted to share with her about Leia. So after a late lunch and light talk about other things we were finally home and before I knew it I was showing her Leia's pictures/room and we were crying and hugging each other. It was good to talk with her about Leia. She said it just didn't seem fair that she was not here with us and she didn't understand how this could have happened but that she was glad she came down and sorry she hadn't come sooner than she did. I am glad we were able to have these moments in person and to talk about my Leia. I felt so much better after this.


This friend gets what we have been through. She's struggled with the fact of not having her own child due to some circumstances outside of her control. Her spouse had two children very young and they are both out of high school now. Her husband had a procedure that kept him from reproducing which they attempted to have reversed and the surgery was not successful. So after this was done they both made the decision that they would not have any children together, nor would they adopt. I asked her in one of our phone conversations a few months back how she had come to this place and how she was able to live with the fact of knowing that she would never have her own child. She told me that she just decided that for her adoption what not an option and that she decided as a couple they would focus on other things in their life. They've started their own business, they travel and in a few weeks they will get a new golden retriever puppy that will be eight weeks old. They are accepting and moving on with their "child free" life as a couple. I admire that my friend has been able to do this. She told me that she has had a few moments where she has seen other family members pregnant or with their babies and that she had to take a few minutes to herself and just take it in. She said she realized she would never have that. I thought to myself how I was lucky to have over 9 months with Leia. I heard her heartbeat, felt her move, and kick inside of me. While I never got to hold her as a living baby I did get to see and hold her shortly after she was delivered. I spent several hours with her and have clippings of her hair, pictures and her hand/footprints. I guess what I am thinking now is that while I am of course sad and grieving the loss of my only baby girl, I am also thinking about the precious time that I did have with her. It was short and while she is physically gone now I do have her memory and her in my heart always. I don't know what the future holds. Will we get pregnant again? I don't know and all I can hope for is that I can one day be at peace if this is all we have. One precious baby girl not here but certainly in my heart. 


Love you Leia Grace.