Sunday, September 18, 2011

Missing and Other Random Items in Life as I know Now

I've been slacking a bit here. I've been reading other blogs and commenting when allowed (seriously, what is up with blogger?) I've just not felt that writing or expressing myself here that much has been good for me. Maybe it's because I am on a computer most of my afternoons at work and the last thing I want to do is be on my computer at night.

Been thinking about things I would do this time last year when I was carrying my Leia. I had a friend tell me that bathing in baby oil would help with stretch marks. So I heeded her advice and did take more baths than I usually would. I am more of a shower than bath person. I just realized yesterday that I have not taken a bath in our master bath this whole entire year. I think it is because that last week that I carried Leia I took more baths than usual because that was when I could feel her movements the most is when I would get into the bath water. I guess it is just my way of dealing and coping with missing my little girl.

So we are on our third day of dreariness, cold and scattered showers. I think I also just heard thunder rumbling off in the distance. I feel so much better when I wake up and the sun is out and it is a nice day. We are heading into that time of year where we will be seeing more days like this. I DON'T LIKE it. I want sunny and bright days, not one's that bring me down and depress me. As a result of the big temperature change (we went from 90 one day to high 50's) I think my sinuses are acting up a bit. We went out for dinner to a new place (btw, IT WAS AWESOME) last night and on our way home I started getting a slight migraine. I was having trouble focusing ahead and seeing straight (and I was driving). I finally had to say to my hubs that I didn't think I could continue to drive. He quickly put the car in park and we swapped seats. I am sure whoever was behind us at this red light thought we were crazy. He had me put my seat down and relax the rest of our drive home which was another 15 minutes. When home I got comfortable and about an hour later I had tingling and numbness in both of my hands that moved to my face, tongue and lips. I had this a second time about another hour later. The dulling pain in my forehead also continued. I refused to take anything for it as I hate taking anything because usually it doesn't help. Fortunately, today I woke up and have been feeling fine. I just hope I don't have a repeat of whatever happened to me last night. We googled side effects of migraines and sure enough everything I was experiencing was what could happen. I've suffered from migraines in the past and had all these same symptoms just not this bad of a one in several years. It really can knock you out. I am just thankful that I've not had so many as of late.

A friend of mine and I are having a yard sale next weekend. I have gone through closets and some rooms in our house to see what we can live without or don't use anymore. I used to purge and donate a box every month to our local PTA thrift store. My motto is also if you bring something into the house you've got to get rid of one item. I have not lived by this in the past year. Where has 2011 gone? I know I've been grieving the loss of Leia but it also seems like it can't be the end of September already. I've probably got two boxes of items. If I can sell anything I'll be happy and what doesn't go will be donated.

Speaking of end of year this means holidays. I really would rather skip them all together this year and just get them over. I don't want January to be here but I also don't want Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. One nice thing is that I think we've convinced my hubs family that a holiday gathering in AZ would be good. (Last year we had snow most of the time his family was here from out of town). Hopefully this plan continues and we can all meet up out west and we will also get to see my hubs brother who moved out that way three years ago. We've been wanting to get out there so it seems like this would be a good diversion and different way of spending the holidays.

I have been reading other blogs. Happy for some other BLM's out there who have had a rainbow baby or found out they are expecting. It really does warm my heart to know that there are others out there who have gone on and had their happy ending. I hope all of us in this boat get our happy ending and get what we want when it comes to babies and families. I am thinking of you all and hoping all continues to go well for all of you.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I've been doing lots of thinking this week as we approach this weekend. It is not only the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 but it will also mark the 8-month mark since Leia has not been with us. I think of all the families who lost loved ones. The children who lost a mother or father which no child should ever have to face. I think about that day 10 years ago and where I was and what I was doing. I was at work and remember a colleague telling me about the first plane going into the towers. I was so stunned when she told me and then taken aback because I had to ask her where the towers were located. (I knew, I think just realizing what was happening to me was making my mind go blank). I was busy with something else and just stunned when she told me NYC. Earlier that day I had just seen my then husband (now ex) off on his business trip. He was flying into JFK that day. The next thing I did was try to call his cell which didn't go through. (Later we would learn that many calls to cell phones that day wouldn't go through due to being jammed up). I then called my in-laws and they knew also that their son had flown into JFK that day as well. They were worried as I was as well. It was a horrendous day. I remember other people I worked with being worried. I remember going into the conference room and watching the news. It was all just so terrible. Who would do such a terrible thing and why? Seeing the destruction and so many people just before our eyes having their lives taken. I went home that night to an empty house and to my doggie. I held him and watched the live coverage of the days events. I called family and talked to them and let them know how much I loved them. I did end up talking to my husband who got stuck in the middle of all the mess. He ended up driving back to PA because flights were not going out and he couldn't get to NJ which is where he was originally going. It was a day I will never forget. Shortly after 9/11, about two months my then husband announced to me about his intentions to leave our marriage. I had no say or was able to save our marriage. He was out and I was alone. I've since gone on to re-marry and found a great person that I KNOW I will spend the rest of my life with. He is NOTHING like my ex and everything I want in a spouse. He is loving, kind, compassionate, caring, and most importantly he is Leia's Daddy. If we ever get the chance to parent a child here on earth I know that he is going to be so involved and loving to him or her. So as I end this post I think of everyone and that day ten years ago. It is so tragic but I have also seen many stories of people who have gone on and learned to live with their grief and sorrow. They've done philanthropic or certain things to honor their loved one's. I only hope that one day I can do the same for my Leia and do some good for others. I want to honor and remember her and also go on and be happy, if that does exist.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Stillbirth Remembrance Day

Today, September 6th is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. Stillbirths tragically strike 1 out every 115 pregnancies. In the USA, 26,000 babies are stillborn every year. That's approximately 71 precious babies every single day. Remembering all the babies lost to stillbirth today and everyday and my Leia Grace. Gone too soon and love you baby girl ♥