Thursday, August 4, 2011

Insomnia Strikes Again This Week

Well is has happened again. I am having a bout of insomnia, second time this week. Ugh. I am not sure why or how but it has happened again this week. I am debating in my head whether it is just me "overthinking" or if this is the result of me taking Benedryl for close to two weeks and now I've stopped taking it. The Benedryl combined with Melatonin would knock me out. I had some great sleep those two weeks. I was taking Benedryl because I had some kind of skin outbreak and the bites/sores had me itching them so much it was the only relief I would seem to get. I almost broke down and went to a dermatologist for the rash/sores but they subsided and have gone away, so I didn't. I really should have gone  (I even had an appointment scheduled) but the copay for that type of doctor is considered a specialist and since our insurance sucks sucks, yes it really does I just couldn't justify paying the $60 copay. My other thought about my insomnia striking is that I have been taking Melatonin, which has in the past six months been very helpful in taking to help me fall asleep. I have had a few times where I've woke up and had a little trouble getting back to sleep. The last bottle of Melatonin we bought was 5mg and I've been taking 3mg before this. So is this the reason? I am not sure but I just hope that maybe in a little while I can get back to sleep though I am not counting on it.

One thing I was thinking about while attempting to fall back to sleep was about a phone call I had earlier on Wednesday with the hospital where Leia was born. They keep billing us each month. We've paid off our big bill that was due but this smaller bill they've set up a payment plan. The bill is just a little over 200 that is due. We could pay it off and be done with it but I guess at this point it is just principal. I get a little mad each month when I am paying it and today I felt the need to inquire about why the balance due figure doesn't go down since we've diligently been paying them for the past six-months. I was then informed that a procedure that we had done at this hospital almost TWO YEARS AGO has now been denied by our insurance and they have re-billed us for this. I think it was for our second IUI procedure that we had done in the fall of 2009. I became so upset and really voiced my rage about this to the customer representative on the other end. I mean, really? I just don't understand how they can randomly decide to go back and charge us for something that was paid by our insurance. I became so upset and so enraged with this hospital. Not only do you continue to take our money but you denied me seeing a maternal fetal specialist and now my Leia is not here. I was so mad. I just can't take it anymore. For over three years we have struggled with infertility. We have paid so much out as most of these treatments are not covered by our insurance. Not only must we deal with infertility and the pain of not being able to conceive but we must keep paying and for what? Somewhere, someone very important with our insurance company has decided that a woman who can't conceive must pay the cost. Only when you are "deemed" officially pregnant did our insurance start to cover our ultrasounds and appointments. I am just so upset that the insurance companies have done this to all of who are suffering with infertility. It makes me want to write my legislature and government representatives and tell them what we have been through. I know my current state had some new bills proposed for infertility treatments. So, enough about that. It just makes me so mad and frustrated. I don't want to let this get me upset but it does.

Earlier this week I took a call from a client. She was calling to inform us that her son had passed away back at the end of July. The minute she told me this I felt overcome and had goosebumps on my arms. I understood what she was feeling and could relate. I looked back at the clients file and noticed that I had called him several days after he had passed. It made me feel terrible. I have never met this person but I had talked to him on the phone a few weeks ago. Now his Mother was calling us and I could so relate. I knew what she was feeling and dealing with. Even though my Leia was only with me for a short 9-months I understood her pain and anguish. She was upset. I was upset. I had to go to the bathroom and compose myself after taking the call. I felt so bad. Everyone is dealing with something in their lives. Later that day I had to send a letter to the woman and I extended my condolences in the letter. I am not sure how the attorney I work for would feel about this being in the letter but I did want this woman to know. It was the least that could be done. I never met this woman or her son but I now get it. She was grieving losing her son and I too am grieving losing my daughter. It hurts so much sometimes. She is not here and never will be. I cry and think about my Leia all the time. I am approaching seven months of her being gone. It is all just so unfair.

Well I hope my ramblings and writing have helped to calm me down. I guess it is now time to check out the DVR and see what I might want to watch. I am feeling a little sleepy so maybe I will get lucky and fall back to sleep. Good-night BLM's and everyone else. Hugs to you all and thinking of each and every one of you out there and your babies that are not here with us.

Thinking of my Leia Grace. Love you sweet girl.


  1. Ugh insomnia. Lack of sleep makes emotions so much harder to control. I hope you figure out a way to get your sleep back on track!

    We are still paying off our hospital bills from Addi's birth, nothing like adding a little salt in the wound than making payments. Our insurance sucks too.

    I think it's nice that you were extra gentle with that lady. We can't help, but to feel for another parent who has lost a child, age doesn't matter. Hopefully your boss has a heart too.
    *side note, I also work for an attorney :)

    Hope your day is going okay, I know lack of sleep isn't kind!

  2. I work in an industry where we get notices for when someone passes away, every few months or so. I feel very strange when I see that I've had recent conversations with these people, particularly if they didn't go well. :(

    I can't believe they insurance company could deny something 2 years later.. F. Can you appeal it? :(

  3. Sorry about the insurance issue. And sorry about insomnia.

    We all should get a free pass with the insurance companies, with sleep, with getting pregnant again...

    Wishing very much your daughter was with you now.

  4. Sometimes I really hate insurance companies. It really is unfair that we have to dish out so much money for infertility crap. It's not fair, if we could pregnant on our own we would, but instead we get to be stressed about the fact we can't get pregant easily and then get stressed out more because it costs so darn much. grrr!