Saturday, August 27, 2011

One Year Ago

One year ago today we learned that we were having a girl. I had always felt up to that point that I was having a girl. I am not sure why or if it was my own intuition, but I just knew. We were so excited! I went out immediately after the ultrasound appointment and bought this cute outfit with the bib expressing our joy of having Leia.

We called all of our immediately family and were telling friends that knew of the pregnancy. We were making lists of names. I think it was around this time or shortly after that we had found the name Leia. We were so happy and optimistic. I was reading all the pregnancy books and enjoying my pregnancy. I would smile and think I was so lucky to be experiencing a pregnancy. Now it is all doom and gloom. I feel no hope. I wish I could but just not today. One year ago we were happy and excited about life and now today I am sitting here crying.

This time last week we were in my hometown. The morning was sunny and beautiful. I was able to see my one niece who I haven't seen in close to two years. She came running up to greet me. She is almost 9 years old and getting so grown up and beautiful. We had breakfast with my sisters and her extended family. We then went to my nephew's wedding later that day and saw a handful of many people that I haven't seen in many years. I know some may not have known what had happened but I knew it was suppose to be a happy day so I kept my thoughts and emotions to myself. As we all know when you go to weddings there are usually babies and kids. I watched as several pregnant women danced with their kids and younger children. I also watched two very little girls dance with each other. It hurt when my sister suggested getting a picture of our "whole" family together. I thought,  "No, there is one missing, my Leia". I was able to keep it together but at the end of the night I was upset and sad. I was able to say a few things to my husband and he tried to comfort me but I was still sad. It was not how I wanted our trip for this wedding to go. I had expected it to be so different. I think what also hurt is that none of my family or friends of my parents expressed or said anything to me about Leia. I know they didn't want to upset me but it would have really meant so much if they could have just said something to let me know that they cared or was thinking of Leia. Why does it take so much for people to show they care?

We then went on the next day to visit my hubs family that live almost two more hours away. We had a couple nice days of seeing his family and some new places that I had not been before. On our last evening their his Aunt had come over for dinner and when we were taking her home she did bring up Leia and say that she was very sorry for what had happened. It made me feel so good to know that she could say this to us. Somehow in the conversation she brought up about how she had almost lost her son in her first pregnancy. Fortunately for her, the pregnancy continued and her son lived. I thought to myself, how can a person with a son that is over 50 years old be okay? Why couldn't they save my Leia? We live in an age and time where healthcare is readily available and should be so advanced. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Some days I am perfectly fine but others I just want to run away from it all. Like today. We are having some remnants of Hurricane Irene so we've got rain and mild wind. I've been watching outside and seeing the butterfly by Leia's stones move around. I think about what I would be doing if she were here.


  1. I could relive my own memories from last year while reading your post. I know exactly where you are. How I wish your daughter was with you, my son with me, and we had a chance to meet elsewhere - not in this terrible terrible baby loss blog land.

    And yes, these days I too want to run away from this all. The blog land is helping keep me sane because I come here and realize am not the only one.

  2. I am right there with you. Knowing how things were so different last year at this time.
    I recently just went to a wedding also. It was hard being there knowing Liam should be there with the other babies and kids.
    I wish Leia could be with you also. This just isn't fair.

  3. Baby loss blog land... sad I actually had to experience it to even find such a place, but I must say you are making me feel better, a little less crazy! Seems I've been questioning all my relationships the past few months, just want to scream, "Why is nobody saying anything to me?!" This post made me feel so normal, so thank you.
    And I so miss Leia for you! Will call you very soon. -Angela from CO