Saturday, May 14, 2011

Should Be's...

Today we are invited to two different birthday parties for little girls. These kind of days are especially hard. One is for my great-niece who is turning seven and the other is for our neighbor/friends little girl turning two. And we are not going to them. I want to but it just hurts too much to think about what should be. We should be dressing up Leia in a cute dress and introducing her to new friends and family. We should be taking walks with Leia in the neighborhood. So many should-be thoughts. Instead we will run away from our house for the day and just try to get our minds off the day. The one party is right next to our house and will be outside so if we are home we will surely hear all the little voices and fun being had. I want to go but it just doesn't seem possible this year. I imagine that if I did go that I'd end up crying and having tears running down my face with everyone staring at me and wondering why I am so upset. I just can't do it yet and I feel if I am not ready then I just need to do what feels right. So I am sorry Cadence and Ruthie for missing your parties. I would like to be there for your special days but I am just not ready. I wish you both a Happy Birthday!

Dear Leia,
I wish you were here today. So you could meet your cousin and go to her birthday party. I know you would have been friends and enjoyed each other's company. I miss you so much dear little one and today seems like I can't get through it without feeling your loss and being gone so strong. I want to be better for you but sometimes I just MISS YOU SO much. I love you and will be thinking of you all day today. Love, Mommy


  1. Birthday parties of children are hard. I avoided going to one to which I was invited a few months after my baby died. I go to this hospital to see an OB for my infertility treatment and I see lots of pregnant women, women with really little babies, babies of my son's age had he been alive...I just look away. That's the least I can do to myself.

    I don't know when I will be ready to go and attend other babies' parties. I don't see such a day in close future.

    Hugs to you!

  2. My good friends little boy just turned one and she had a party for him. I told her I didn't think I could go because it's just too sad knowing Liam should be here and our boys should be friends. Thinking of you on this difficult day