Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Random Thoughts

Today I am having random thoughts about various things. One thing our doctors told us was that my placenta was aged, showed calcifications and was slightly smaller than it should have been. I keep thinking over in my mind what I could have done differently because as we all know the placenta is what gives the baby nutrients. Did I eat something that contributed to this? What did I do? It is hard to not keep searching the internet to find information about it. I tend to do this, go over and over things in my mind and probably just need to stop it but can't help but keep wondering. All the doctors say I did nothing wrong but that is so hard to accept.

One thing that keeps me going is our furry critters. As I type this our cat is begging for her nightly feeding and our pup is also patiently waiting for his dinner. I have always found comfort with animals during times of crisis and our doggie has been there for me this time. He has always been around for me during difficult times and lifted my spirits when I needed it. I recall a few weeks back when I was having a good sobbing on our bed and he suddenly appeared with a stuffed toy that I have never seen him play with. He knew I was down and needed a distraction and he was there for me.

Lastly I learned today that a good friend has had success with a donor egg and her husband's sperm. I am happy they have had success but I am struggling with being around them at this time. I so want them to be able to experience having a child but must it be so soon after us losing ours? Life is just not fair sometimes. Bad things happen and too much to us. I know in time I will be able to deal with it but for now I just need my space and I think the hubs is feeling the same way.

1 comment:

  1. Your story sounds similar to mine. The placenta was too small and had patches of inflammation. The doctor and pathologist think it may have been a virus or infection in my case but all tests came back negative so we will never know for sure. I too blamed myself, but I also know in my heart that it wasn't my fault.

    It wasn't your fault. You would never have done anything to harm your precious baby girl. This is just a terrible thing that happens. Sadly, it happened to you (and to me).

    It wasn't your fault.