Friday, March 25, 2011

Feelings of Guilt and Questions

I've been thinking over and over in my head about what I did wrong. Did I in some way internally know that something was wrong with Leia and then sabotage or do something to make her go? I've had some people tell me this was not her time to come into the world and that there was nothing that I could have done. I think sometimes about the genetic testing and the odds we were given. Did we just push that aside and assume all was right? I wonder if having the amnio would have changed the outcome of our pregnancy. Would we have known definitely and then been watched more closely by our doctor? So many questions, regrets and longings for our little girl who is not here. I miss her and want her here with us.

It was about this time last year that we had our first meeting with our infertility office. We were so full of hope and excitement. We so wanted our first IVF to be successful. I remember going into their offices and seeing the pictures of all the babies that had been born from other families that had used this office. The future seemed so bright and exciting for us both. We had such high hopes that this pregnancy would be the one and after that we would be happy. Just one baby is all we asked for. Not anymore and while I know or hope there will be happy times ahead it is hard to see them now in all the darkness. I want to move on and enjoy things but then I have this feeling of missing my baby and that is when I find myself sobbing and feeling very very low.


  1. I'm sorry. :(

    I think we all go into this, hoping, wishing & praying for all to be well. We're the unfortunate side of statistics, the wrong side of the coin... It sucks, but even with close monitoring, there are any number of things which can go wrong. We're proof of that, unfortunately.

    Such a terrible thing to go through what we have and be expected to live through it. It's so hard.

  2. I'm so sorry... You did nothing wrong... Not one thing. I wish that there was something more I could say to ease your guilt, but truly, you love your sweet girl and there is nothing- nothing- to feel guilty about.