Another Constant Reminder

Baby mailings. I am pretty sure all our information has been sold to marketers of every baby product out there. I am so tired of getting promos, magazines, fliers and everything else that is baby related mailed to us. Another reminder of our loss and feeling broken. Hitting you in the face each day as you go to get the mail. Ugh. I wonder how I can stop any of the mailings without spending too much time on it. I am just tired of the reminder.

Love and missing Leia Grace...wish you were here so I could spoil you with everything that the baby companies want me to buy.

Hump Day and Other Ramblings

Well it is the middle of the week and I have gotten past Tuesday. When I worked full-time it was hump day or half way through the week. We leave this weekend for the beach so I should be packing and getting ready to go away. I will get there. I have two more days. I had the appointment with my new therapist today and I am going back tomorrow for another session. It seemed like a good fit and while I cried the entire drive home I think I need to do this and hopefully it will help with my grief for Leia.

Our weather is not helping with all the rain and dreary days. It is supposed to be warm and sunny this time of year but I guess mother nature is working in weird ways giving us far too many dark days. For some reason I am in such a good mood and have a better outlook on the day when it is sunny. I am just hoping it is nice next week when we are away.

The internet. Need I say more? While I think it is a great tool, especially in meeting other bloggers out there in similar situations. I have been so thankful for that and the brave women I have met who are pushing on no matter what situation has been dealt to them. However, on the other hand I am constantly searching about things I probably should not even be thinking about. All this searching is about pregnancies, complications, etc. You get what I am talking about but it can really get you thinking and wondering. I wish I could turn it off or walk away from it. I can't and I think part of me is always going to keep searching because the more information and what I know for the future can only be helpful.

Spring!

A Long Day

I had all weekend with the hubs but today has been long as he had a work commitment that won't bring him home till at least 8 or 9pm. I've tried to keep myself occupied most of the day with doing things around the house. I even hit the gym for an hour this morning. I never used to be this way before. I'd travel for work or go see family with no issue but now when we are separated for so long I start to panic if I've not heard from him. I think the worst and then I go to "that" place of thinking what I would do if something happened to him. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I used to be independent, freely coming and going, happy, satisfied, outgoing, fun and laughing. Now I am a prisoner in my own home. As my sister told me today she doesn't want to see me "holing up" in the house. That is what is happening. I don't want to be this way but how do you go out into a world that has everything that you wanted?

On another note a therapist just called me back. I am finally set-up for an appointment with a woman that was recommended by a friend. It has been quite an ordeal to find a person who takes our insurance or is considered in-network. I love our insurance (sarcastic). I have talked with a grief counselor, seen a psychiatrist who wanted to put me on medication and now I'll try a therapist. I hope to get some things sorted out and hopefully having an outside person with another perspective will help.

Tomorrow is a Tuesday. The day of the week that is the hardest and my only day out of the house this week. I've booked the day with a car check-up, errands and a much needed lunch with a good friend that I used to work with in another state. We now live an hour apart and get together occasionally. This will be the first time I have seen her since the shower for Leia last fall. I am a little apprehensive but this friend has been very supportive and taken the time to call me several times since January. She cares and is extending herself to spend time with me and I so appreciate that.

Missing my little girl Leia Grace. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

27

Today Leia would be two months old had she lived. I will forever mark these days off in my mind and remember her. The 11th for when she was delivered, the 27th for when she was due and Tuesdays. These days and dates will never be the same to me. I think only other mothers who have had the same loss will understand.

Our Last Ultrasound Picture

I love this picture of our Leia Grace from the ultrasound on !2-17. I remember being so happy after the appointment and looking at the picture all night. I love and miss you Leia Grace and not a day goes by that I don't think about you.

Feelings of Guilt and Questions

I've been thinking over and over in my head about what I did wrong. Did I in some way internally know that something was wrong with Leia and then sabotage or do something to make her go? I've had some people tell me this was not her time to come into the world and that there was nothing that I could have done. I think sometimes about the genetic testing and the odds we were given. Did we just push that aside and assume all was right? I wonder if having the amnio would have changed the outcome of our pregnancy. Would we have known definitely and then been watched more closely by our doctor? So many questions, regrets and longings for our little girl who is not here. I miss her and want her here with us.

It was about this time last year that we had our first meeting with our infertility office. We were so full of hope and excitement. We so wanted our first IVF to be successful. I remember going into their offices and seeing the pictures of all the babies that had been born from other families that had used this office. The future seemed so bright and exciting for us both. We had such high hopes that this pregnancy would be the one and after that we would be happy. Just one baby is all we asked for. Not anymore and while I know or hope there will be happy times ahead it is hard to see them now in all the darkness. I want to move on and enjoy things but then I have this feeling of missing my baby and that is when I find myself sobbing and feeling very very low.

The Dog

Oh what would I do without the love of my wonderful dog? He has endured a bath, blow drying and brushing today. All so he could be taken to a local groomer's office to have his picture taken professionally. I have never had one taken of him before today but for some reason I decided that we would finally do this after having him for eleven years. I couldn't help but think how I should be taking our Leia for pictures rather than the dog. He really has been good and I know he liked all the extra attention. He has always been there for me during up and down times in my life. He takes it all in stride while I give my "motherly" duties to him. I know he loves the attention but damn it I should be showering all my love on a little girl who is not here with us. Life is not fair and bad things happen is what I keep thinking over and over again in my mind. The dog and I also take our daily walks and for some reason today I was thinking about late November/December of last year and how we would walk mid-afternoon's before it got dark and I was eight to nine months along. Walking was a task for me at that point and it was also bitterly cold for the time of year and where we lived. But one day we saw some deer, it was a family of four and I remember saying to Leia and talking to my belly. I said "Oh baby girl, I wish you could see the deer that we just saw." I was rubbing my belly and feeling her move and kick around inside of me. The deer all of a sudden ran off into the wooded area of the road we were on. It was such a sweet moment and for some reason I was thinking of it today as we took our mid-afternoon daily walk just before his bath. I know everyone that has dogs or furry animals in your life will understand this post. We love them just like kids and they also help us get through tough times.

A Poem

This is the poem that was read at the Memorial Service for our Leia Grace:

“The Sitting Time”
by Joe Digman

Don’t listen to the foolish unbelievers
Who say forget.
Take up your armful of roses
And remember them,
The flowers and the fragrance.
When you go home to do your sitting
In the corner by the clock,
And sip your rosethorn tea,
It will warm your face and fingers
And burn the bottom of your belly.
But as their goneness piles
In white, crystal drifts,
It will be the blossom of their moment:
The warmth on your belly,
The tiny fingers unfolding,
The new faces you always knew
That have changed you.
Take their moments
And hold them
As every mother does and every
father does,
They will always
Be your children.
And when the sitting is done,
You will find
Bitter grief could never poison
The sweetness of their time.

Bad Times

Well another Tuesday is upon us and I am watching the clock. Ten weeks ago at this time (8:45pm) our beautiful Leia Grace was delivered still. I miss her so much. Sometimes I wish that it has all been a bad dream and that I will wake up and find that everything is fine with Leia. I so want to go back to the beginning of January. I'd like a redo. Is that possible? I don't understand why after all we have been through to get pregnant that this happened to us. Why us? I keep thinking about all the doctor appointments and why I didn't question more but then I know I did. I was always prepared at every appointment with a list. I'm trying to move on but it is so HARD.

Another Monday

I am having jumbled thoughts this morning. It is the start of another week and I wonder what I will get done and what will just sit and be. In life before this happened I was always working on something for Leia's arrival or trying to get another project done but not anymore. I am lucky if I get a few things done in a day and then most of the time I am either surfing the net about loss or watching some senseless show on cable. I am also finding it hard to focus on things that before were easy. I've attempted to file or send off our taxes but after two hours of working on them last week they are still needing to be done. I wonder when I will be able to get back to some sense of normal or jut being able to move on. But do I really want to do that? I am not sure.

I am looking forward to one thing today. A possible meeting for a group called "Compassionate Friends" that is supposed to happen this evening. I am going to make a call and make sure they are indeed meeting. I think it will be good to be in an environment where others understand and have experienced something similar.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." quoted by Oprah Winfrey

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Mother and Child

I watched a movie today that I probably shouldn't have but I found it on Netflix recently and wanted to check it out. It is a movie about a woman giving up her child at a very young age for adoption and how she has dealt with it in her life. It also connects other stories and characters dealing with babies and birth. There were many moments when I was totally relating as well as crying myself through it. You see, I am adopted myself and was adopted by my parents at the age of six months. I knew from a very young age that I was adopted and it is part of my reason as to why I have always wanted to be able to have my own child so that I could experience motherhood as well as have an extension of myself. I know this is probably sounding selfish however unless you have been adopted I don't think you can truly understand. I am not sure how it is to explain but not having anyone else in your family that you resemble or look like can be very hard. Please do not get me wrong because my adoptive parents and family are great however I think there is something about being adopted and it feels like you are missing a piece of yourself. There is a sense of not fitting in or feeling like you are lost since as in my case I have never met my birth mother. I have searched for her and was adopted in a state that does not allow open records so I will probably never meet her. So today I am thinking most about how I am adopted and how much I/we really wanted our Leia Grace and that she meant so much to us, like I was gaining a family member that I so wanted to connect with and be able to raise, mold and all the other things you do with your child. I am not sure what the future holds for us however I do know that I love and think of Leia Grace every waking second and know that she is with me along the rest of our life journey. I wish things had turned out differently and that she was here with us.

The Constant Struggle

Today is it sunny and beautiful outside. We are supposed to have mid-80 temps by tomorrow. My day has been even better because a dear friend sent me some gorgeous tulips today. It was a total surprise and brought a smile to my face to have someone take the time to think of sending me something so nice. The bad part is that I am totally feeling guilty since I had not reached out to this friend to let her know of our circumstances so she learned of it via Facebook. That has been the struggle and challenge. Since I went to college out of state I have made many friends in various parts of the country. Add to that a few moves from state to state and hence the reason why I am so far away from some of my good friends. Nonetheless, I have stayed in touch via the wonderful avenue of social networking sites with many friends. I am thankful for that. This friend has struggled with her own fertility issues so I didn't want to intrude on what was already probably a difficult time for her with my pending pregnancy. I feel guilty now for not reaching out to her and to make amends I will call her tonight or over the weekend. I truly do feel bad that I didn't feel I could call her and tell her about Leia Grace and what happened to us. So I am sorry dear friend but please know that I am thinking of you and love you much. To all my friends out there, I am in a different place right now that I can't explain but hopefully I will be back to my self or something similar to it one day. Right now I am taking one day at a time and doing what I can.

Getting Away to the Beach

I am counting the days till my hubs and I go away. We've booked a week at the beach the first week of April and can't wait. I think it will be good for the both of us to get away and just relax. I can't wait to hear the ocean, dip my feet in the sand and water and just forget about everything. It will also be three years that we have been married and so we will also try to celebrate our anniversary in some way. It will be good for our souls and minds.

Charm Tuesday

I am so grateful for the many friends who have shown their love for Leia to me in recent months. About a month ago two very good friends sent me a charm that on one side has Leia's name and on the other side has two baby footprints and the saying "FOREVER IN MY HEART". I have posted a picture of this beautiful charm that my friends knew would bring me much happiness when wearing. I choose to wear this charm on a necklace and especially like to wear it on Tuesday of each week. I like to touch the charm and think of Leia and her delivery day. I like to think of all the brown curly hair that she had and her tiny hands and feet that were perfect. I will never forget our precious Leia and all the hopes and dreams that we had for her. Even though our lives have moved on and we are trying to find our way we will always remember.

Do I Have Children?

Up until now I was never bothered by someone asking me the question if I had any children but now when I am asked this question I don't know quite how to answer. I could say, "Yes I do have a child but she is not living". Or the much easier answer is to say "No" and move on with it. I have chosen the latter. The main reason is because I have had random acquaintances ask me this question and just don't feel like getting into my story with someone I really don't know that well. But getting back to my point, it hurts when I am asked if I have children. I was so ready to be a Mommy, had planned to stay home and raise our daughter till she was the age of being able to go to pre-school or school. I have been preparing for this part of my so wanted life for the past several years and now it is all gone. So instead I am job searching and went to a "trial" job session this morning. I will hear back by the end of this week but I guess the real question for myself is if I am ready for a full-time job at this point. I guess I will know when I get the call and try to decide then and discuss with my hubs. Moving on in life and trying to grieve for Leia. It all hurts so much. I wish someone could take the pain away. Love and missing you dear Leia Grace.

Reminders and Moving On

Everyday is a challenge to not think about what could or should have been. I am having one of those days today as the warmer weather brings everyone outside. Little girls riding bikes, talking and playing. It is so hard to move on with your life realizing you may never have what you want the most.

Grace

Last night, I was dreaming of you, again, Leia Grace.

You are radiant, confident, and light beams in every direction from the core of your being. Music follows you, angels serenade you, and everyone is elevated by your presence. Wisdom shows from your eyes. Kindness emanates from your touch. And your power is simply awesome.

You live, darling girl, in our hearts. You have touched us with your "grace."

~Love you Leia Grace~

Two Months

Today marks two months since we met and said good-bye to our beautiful Leia. It seems like just yesterday that it all happened. I've had one of those days where my thoughts are jumbled and I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything and everything. Two months...too short of a time that we got to bond and spend with you little girl. We think of you every single day and we love you so much. Mommy & Daddy

That Question

All too often you stumble across others who are probably having just as difficult of a time as you are. We all have problems and things going on in our lives that seem important to us. I found that out today with a woman I encountered. As I was working this woman was talking with someone else about how hospice had come in to care for someone close to her. I believe by the way she was talking that it was her husband. The most surprising thing to me was that she seemed okay with the possible passing of this person in her life or either she is a very strong person as she seemed to be handing herself well. But anyways I guess my point and I am trying to remember now is that life is short and we should try to be more patient and understanding of things that have happened. I am trying to do that now, be more aware and spread kindness in the world.

Dazed and Thinking About Leia

Some days I am just not with it. I can't seem to remember simple things and it feels like I am walking around in a daze. I am not used to being like this but then again how do you describe grief and getting through it from day to day. I was thinking today how all the items in Leia's room will never get used. I am not ready to let go of anything from that room so for now the door remains closed and I can't even go down the hallway leading to the room. I am missing our little girl and trying to move on but it just seems like everything in our life is on hold. Leia Leia Leia Leia Leia Leia Leia...is all that goes through my mind. I wish she was here and with us in our lives. We love you Leia.

Random Thoughts

Today I am having random thoughts about various things. One thing our doctors told us was that my placenta was aged, showed calcifications and was slightly smaller than it should have been. I keep thinking over in my mind what I could have done differently because as we all know the placenta is what gives the baby nutrients. Did I eat something that contributed to this? What did I do? It is hard to not keep searching the internet to find information about it. I tend to do this, go over and over things in my mind and probably just need to stop it but can't help but keep wondering. All the doctors say I did nothing wrong but that is so hard to accept.

One thing that keeps me going is our furry critters. As I type this our cat is begging for her nightly feeding and our pup is also patiently waiting for his dinner. I have always found comfort with animals during times of crisis and our doggie has been there for me this time. He has always been around for me during difficult times and lifted my spirits when I needed it. I recall a few weeks back when I was having a good sobbing on our bed and he suddenly appeared with a stuffed toy that I have never seen him play with. He knew I was down and needed a distraction and he was there for me.

Lastly I learned today that a good friend has had success with a donor egg and her husband's sperm. I am happy they have had success but I am struggling with being around them at this time. I so want them to be able to experience having a child but must it be so soon after us losing ours? Life is just not fair sometimes. Bad things happen and too much to us. I know in time I will be able to deal with it but for now I just need my space and I think the hubs is feeling the same way.

Monday and Mundane Tasks

Here I sit figuring our taxes for last year. Oh how I thought our life would be so different by now. When I was pregnant and carrying Leia I had made all these plans in my head of how we would adjust to everyday living with our beautiful girl in our life. I had even thought about this day last year. I figured I would be doing the taxes on a weekend while the hubs would be entertaining Leia. All the what-if's and what I should be doing but I am not. I am here looking at the damn taxes and trying to get my mind off everything I would like to be doing with Leia. How does one go on after the loss of your child? I am still trying to figure that one out. Please give me strength to move on and cope with another day.

Thank You Friends

Over the past few months we have realized who are friends and who you can count on. We've so appreciated all that have come around and showed us support during this trying time in our lives of losing our beautiful baby girl Leia. There are some that have good intentions and then some that we didn't even know well yet they have come forward to share their experience with us. It's been most comforting to me to know that others have gone through this as well as just hearing their story or what they have been through helps in some small way. So thankful.

As I type this post it is a Saturday evening and we are watching college basketball and having some wine. Oh how I would give up the wine to have our Leia here with us. So many things I wish I could change and looking back I know deep down that I did everything right while I was pregnant but it is hard to get my heart in the right place. I miss and love you Leia.

Strange Happenings

So today we had a follow-up appointment scheduled with a maternal fetal specialist that was set-up by our regular Ob/Gyn. We went in with a list of questions for this specialist and my biggest anxiety was just going back to the same place where Leia was born and where all of our OB/GYN appointments were scheduled. My anxiety level was very high and just parking the car and walking the same route that I used to when Leia was in my belly had me filled with such emotion. Ironically, call it the universe speaking to me or something just peculiar because as I was nearing the stairs of the parking deck a woman in her car called out to me. She was looking for a specific hospital and needed a shuttle. I explained to her that she needed to go down a level and that she would find the shuttle and handicapped parking. So the rest of my walk had me thinking about the woman and hoping she'd find what she needed. So was this Leia sending someone to me so that I would be distracted? In all my trips to the hospital I have never had an encounter like that. Anyways the appointment with this specialist went as well as it could. In the end everything he told and explained to us wasn't going to bring Leia back. We must accept what has happened and try to move on with our lives. I did feel this specialist was the most compassionate that we have encountered along this journey and seemed like he really cared about Leia and wanted to help us. He spent a great deal of time with us and that in itself meant so much to me. As I was leaving the hospital it happened again, this time an older man asked me where I could find a certain address of the hospital and while I couldn't help him with what he was specifically looking for I was able to direct him to one of the hospital entrances and told him that he would find a help desk just inside the doors. So twice today I had people ask me things and gave me some distraction. It's as if she is beside me and trying to help me along. I know this may sound bizarre but in some weird way it just feels good.

In a Funk

Today I have woke up in a funk. I think it is because we have a meeting scheduled for later today with a therapist. The hubs has agreed to attend and I think it will be good for us both to have some time set aside to talk about Leia and our grief for her. I also had some weird dreams that just put me in this place of missing Leia and life without her here. This up and down of grief is so unpredictable. Things that used to matter no longer are a concern to me. It is all about what if and why did this happen to us. I am sad, mad and feeling sick all at once.

Walking

I have my days. In recent weeks you would find me laying on our couch and most likely looking at pictures of our Leia Grace. For the first few weeks I think I was in shock and really had little emotion. Then it hit me, I was sobbing all the time. I would break out crying in the shower, I would start while getting dressed and then the worst is when I would walk near the nursery. I get so upset when I am in there and other times I go there to sit and cry. Today it was walking. We had a beautiful warm and sunny day here in the South and I took our dog for a walk on our usual path and I got to thinking about all the walking I had done while Leia was inside of me. I started to cry and think how I was missing her at that moment and about all the walks she would miss out on in the future. It is hard and it hurts. I miss and love Leia Grace and something inside of me thinks I am going to miss her more and more as time goes on. Love you Leia Grace.

Our Story

Today is a Tuesday and you will understand more in a little bit as to why I find them hard to get through. The hubs and I have been trying to have a baby for the past three years. We had one year of trying, two failed IUI's and just most recently went through an IVF that was successful until January 11, 2011. The day our world came crashing down. I was just over 37 weeks, down to weekly appointments with our OB/GYN and seemed to have had a fairly easy pregnancy. Very little morning sickness, a little back pain and a mild case of placenta previa that was decided at an ultrasound back in mid-December had improved and would allow me to deliver vaginally. All was going so well until our doctor appointment on January 10. The prior week at my appointment our precious little girl had a heartbeat of 145 and I remember thinking how the sound reminded me of a horse galloping. The doctor stated to me that if I went into labor at this point that she would be fine and not have to go into the NICU. I remember thinking to myself that I would not be happy until our little girl was in my arms and I heard her making sounds and deemed to be fine by our doctor. The next few days following the appointment I was busy helping a neighbor who had just given birth a few weeks before. I had made a meal and delivered to their house. I was busy and did notice that I was feeling less movement than the prior week. I quickly checked the WTE book and found that you can feel less movement towards the end of your pregnancy due to their being less room. I also called our Nurse Line and was told to drink a glass of ice water and lay on my side and count the movements and if I had five in an hour to not be concerned. I felt four movements and decided that everything was okay. Now to the hard part...my hubs and I went in for our weekly appointment on January 10. The doctor came in to our room and asked me if I had been crying. I quickly explained that we were a little concerned about the movement and he pulled out his doppler to get her heartbeat. I remember him grabbing my wrist to check my pulse. He said he was going to get an ultrasound and stepped out of the room. He returned quickly with a machine and another doctor. I asked my hubs to come over to the exam table and within seconds we learned there was no more heartbeat with our little girl. We were devastated, shocked, crying, shaking, how could this happen? In the blink of an eye your world can change so quickly. We were experiencing this moment. The doctor consoled us as much as he could in this moment and then started explaining our options. He wanted to admit me right then to Labor and Delivery and explained that I would have to be induced and that it could last from one day to a week. We tried to compose ourselves and asked if we could go home and return in a few hours. We both went home and tried to do what we could to prepare for what was ahead...if that is even possible. We had furry critters that needed to be tended to and neighbors called on to take care of them. We both called our immediate family and told them our terrible news. We have some extended family that live in the area however both sets of our parents live out of state. We returned to the hospital and was admitted early evening. We waited several hours before we even saw a nurse or doctor. I was started on a medicine that was supposed to induce labor. I remember being in the room and just feeling so shaken and scared of what was happening. I was their to give birth to our baby girl who was now still. Over the course of the evening and next day I was given many drugs, an epidural and by the next evening was laboring and delivered our daughter Leia Grace at 8:45pm. She was beautiful and I will never forget the dark brown curly hair and her expression on her face. After she was delivered the doctor put her on my tummy and I remember the feeling of knowing that I would probably never have this moment again. We were able to hold her and got several pictures of her that we will cherish forever. I know I should love this day but each Tuesday I look back and remember it as the day we said both hello and good-bye to our precious baby girl that we both so wanted and loved.