Holiday Cards

I didn't send out cards this year. I just couldn't do it but if I had I would have sent the card below. It is actual footprints from a baby at a neonatal hospital affiliated with the hospital where our Leia was born. The moment I saw them it reminded of my Leia and her footprints we had gotten when at the hospital. I miss her so much and wish she were here. The past few days I've been very emotional and crying at times when I am alone or have time to sit and think about her. I am thinking of all you other BLM's out there and hoping you can enjoy the holidays in whatever best way you can. I wish you all nothing but good things and love in your life.

Thinking of you Leia and missing you so much today. Love you, Mommy

Eleven Months

Today marks eleven months. Ugh. It seems so hard to think that this time next month will be one-year since we met and said good-bye to our Leia. I've been trying to think of what we may do or how we will honor her memory. I have a few things that I've been mulling around in my mind. My husband starts teaching on that day so I know he won't be able to take off work. I've contemplated taking off the day but now think it may be best if I do work. I need to talk this over with my husband and decide what we will do.

I've been thinking most of the day about what Leia would be doing if she were here. Next weekend marks the 1-year birthday of my neighbor's little boy that was born a month before her. This past week I've seen her several times walking him in his stroller or playing in their front yard that is across from our house. It is hard to see these moments because I get a flash of what our Leia should be experiencing. It is SO hard sometimes to see these moments and move forward in my own life. I still can't hold him or really talk to her when he is around. We went to dinner with this couple last weekend and another couple on our block. For the most part the conversations were kept to light stuff and not much mentioned about their kids. I know it must be hard for them to be around us and not talk about their kids but they are great and do the best they can. I guess that is all we can ask for.

As much as I didn't want to do the holidays this year I've struggled through getting up all our decorations and doing the best I can. If I had my way none of it would have been out this year and we could have just skipped it all. But I know that can't be done. We are having a small gathering of my husbands students over next weekend for a holiday party. We didn't have one last year because I was so far along and didn't want the extra work of having 30 people over to our house. So we will have the party and life will go on. I have not seen many of these students who work with my husband most of this year so I feel as it will be a little awkward in seeing them for the first time. One of his students and his partner have also invited us for a Christmas Eve gathering at their house but I told my husband I just can't do it. We had been to this couples house this time last year for another event and remember how many other people were their pregnant and giving us advice. I just can't put myself in that place and thankfully my husband understands.

Well I've been rambling on. My thoughts are everywhere and very scattered today. I guess that is expected. I wish our Leia was here with us and looking at our tree and experiencing all the joy that we would have given her in her life.

Love and miss you sweet baby girl.

A Special Card

My 8-year old niece made this card and sent it to us last month. It is hanging on our fridge and I see it everyday. I love the fact that at such a young age she has done something so thoughtful and took the time to make it.

Leia's Name in the Sand

I finally got around to purchasing a picture from Carly who does the beautiful names in the sand. It came this morning in my email. I love how it turned out and can't wait to get a copy printed out and framed.

Yesterday was hard. I have so much to be thankful for however the day felt like a piece was missing. That missing piece is of course our Leia. We went to my sister-in-law's and I made every attempt to go on as usual however deep down inside of me I was missing my little girl. I ended up crying late in the day and just thinking about all that she is missing. She should be here with us celebrating her first Thanksgiving. I know she wouldn't understand any of it but it still hurts that she is not here with us.

Thinking of you always Leia.

Love you...

Ten Months and a Garden in Memory of Leia

It is ten months today marking the day we met our Leia. I still wake up mornings thinking of her first thing. My thoughts always go to our little girl and what she would be doing if she were at the ten-month mark. She should be alive and here with us and enjoying life. But we all know she is not and I must go on as hard as it seems.

Soon after everything had happened with our Leia I had told my husband that I wanted to plant a tree in her memory in our back yard. Since we live in the south and our spring and summers are very hot we were told that waiting till the fall would be our best bet. I had called on a landscaper a few weeks back and met with him to show him where we wanted to plant the tree and what type we had in mind. My husband was leaning toward a Japanese Maple and I was favoring a tree with some type of pink blooms that would come out in the spring time. So after meeting with him he told me that he would get back to me in a couple of days. When I didn't hear from I just figured he was busy and sooner or later he would get back to me. Then on Thursday of that same week I had gone into work earlier and the landscaper had called while I was working. I couldn't take the time to talk to him at that moment so I let his call go to voice mail, never getting a chance to listen to it. Around early afternoon I decided to dash home to let our doggie out and found the landscaper was at our house working on putting in a tree. I called my husband in a panic asking him why he would just start working on the tree without getting back to us. He suggested I go out and talk to him and find out what he was doing. Upon talking with him and after several minutes of questioning I learned that five of our neighbors had gone in on putting in a tree and some other items for a garden. I was in tears as the landscaper stammered to tell me what he was doing. I was so touched by the kind gesture our neighbors had done for us and for our Leia. That night my husband and I got home and we went out to our yard to look at the tree and garden. It was beautiful and we couldn't have asked for a more beautiful garden. We were so touch by the kindness of what all these people had done. I saw my one neighbor who I walk with daily and I gave her a big hug and thanked her for the garden. She told me then that they had all wanted to do something in the spring but they thought it might be too soon and so they had decided to wait. A Japanese Maple was the tree that was planted along with several other bushes and flowers. I intend to go out this weekend and blow away all the leaves that have fallen on the garden in the past week. I look forward to being able to enjoy the garden for years to come. I've put in a few pictures of the garden taken this past weekend and with Leia's initial stones.

Dear Leia, I wish you were here with us today. I miss and love you so much. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of you and your pretty face. You will never be forgotten little girl. Love you, Mommy

A Get Away to Atlanta

I've been remiss in posting lately. I have been keeping track of everyone out there and what is happening to all my fellow BLM's. I think of you all often and where some of you are on this journey. I hope all of you are doing well and so happy for this community.

A girlfriend and I got away this past weekend to Atlanta. The main intent of the trip was to see the band Sugarland perform. We both flew in Friday night and spent the evening catching up and talking about our lives. We have been friends since we were both the age of five and every time we are able to meet up it always feels like no time has passed. We just both seem to "click" well and are always there for one another during the up and down times of our lives.

On Saturday we took a tour of the CNN studio which was really exciting (my childhood dream was to become a news anchor). It really was interesting to see all the behind the scenes items and what goes into broadcasting cable news around the clock. We also got to check out Centennial Park located in downtown Atlanta and centers around the Olympics that were held in Atlanta back in 1996. We then ended the evening with an early dinner and then took in the show. We were very close to the downtown area and able to walk to the arena where they were performing.

We watched the opening act (Sara Bareilles) and then were waiting for Sugarland to take the stage when the evening took a turn. Suddenly my girlfriend announced she was going to the bathroom and would be back. I offered to go along but she told me she would be fine. After waiting over 15 minutes and realizing that the band was starting soon I quickly darted to the bathroom where I found her getting very sick. I offered to leave at that moment but she was set on seeing the band. I got her my water that was back at my seat and then asked a security guard if there was anyway my friend could sit somewhere else that would be closer to the restroom. Luckily the lady was very understanding and let us sit in an area where chairs had been set up for handicapped patrons, etc. It was also more roomy and spacious than our seats we had abandoned. I felt so bad for my girlfriend who every few minutes would depart for another round of being sick. She thinks she may have gotten sick on the clam dinner she ate. I was fine but also had a different item for dinner so we suspect it was just a bug that she picked up. We did end up leaving early from the show. It was just about as they were ending the show but we did see the majority of the performance. They really put on a good performance and it was a treat to hear their songs live. I just wish my friend had felt better and wasn't sick. To end the evening (could it get worse?), we were walking the one block back to our hotel when I think a man who I believed to be homeless started to heckle us for money. I had foolishly taken my purse that evening not giving any thought to us having any issue when going back to our hotel but since we had left earlier than expected we also were not walking with a "crowd" of others from the concert, so I think it made us an easy target. He continued to walk next to us, making comments and at one moment I thought he was going to attempt mugging or taking my purse. Luckily, we made it to our hotel before any of this happened but he did walk with us to the front of our downtown hotel. I was never so glad to get to our room! My heart was beating fast and I was shaking from what had happened. My girlfriend jokingly said that if he tried anything she was going to hurl in his direction. What a night! We ended our weekend getaway with a little shopping on Sunday and then headed back to the airport for our departures. Needless to say I was glad at that moment that my hubs had insisted on us getting a rental car. I think after what we had experienced that I couldn't have taken another close call. I love the city but there is nothing like getting home to my own "small" town. I am just glad that my friend was better on Sunday and that she was back to normal. I couldn't imagine flying home being as sick as she was.

I've posted some pictures from our weekend below. The last is my favorite. I found the letters in a Hallmark store that I haven't been in most of this year. I used to love the store but just can't bare going in anymore.

                                           CNN Studio Tour

                                           Centennial Park

                 
                                                     Sugarland in Concert

                                           View from Top of our Hotel

                                           My Favorite Picture and Purchase of the Weekend!

Nine Months

9 months, almost the amount of time that I carried my Leia.
9 months, that I held you in my arms and looked at your beautiful face.
9 months, winter, spring and summer have all gone.
9 months, I will never forget you my precious Leia, I think of you every day.
9 months, we move closer to the one year mark of you being gone.

~Love you Leia Grace and you are always with me and in my heart.

Missing and Other Random Items in Life as I know Now

I've been slacking a bit here. I've been reading other blogs and commenting when allowed (seriously, what is up with blogger?) I've just not felt that writing or expressing myself here that much has been good for me. Maybe it's because I am on a computer most of my afternoons at work and the last thing I want to do is be on my computer at night.

Been thinking about things I would do this time last year when I was carrying my Leia. I had a friend tell me that bathing in baby oil would help with stretch marks. So I heeded her advice and did take more baths than I usually would. I am more of a shower than bath person. I just realized yesterday that I have not taken a bath in our master bath this whole entire year. I think it is because that last week that I carried Leia I took more baths than usual because that was when I could feel her movements the most is when I would get into the bath water. I guess it is just my way of dealing and coping with missing my little girl.

So we are on our third day of dreariness, cold and scattered showers. I think I also just heard thunder rumbling off in the distance. I feel so much better when I wake up and the sun is out and it is a nice day. We are heading into that time of year where we will be seeing more days like this. I DON'T LIKE it. I want sunny and bright days, not one's that bring me down and depress me. As a result of the big temperature change (we went from 90 one day to high 50's) I think my sinuses are acting up a bit. We went out for dinner to a new place (btw, IT WAS AWESOME) last night and on our way home I started getting a slight migraine. I was having trouble focusing ahead and seeing straight (and I was driving). I finally had to say to my hubs that I didn't think I could continue to drive. He quickly put the car in park and we swapped seats. I am sure whoever was behind us at this red light thought we were crazy. He had me put my seat down and relax the rest of our drive home which was another 15 minutes. When home I got comfortable and about an hour later I had tingling and numbness in both of my hands that moved to my face, tongue and lips. I had this a second time about another hour later. The dulling pain in my forehead also continued. I refused to take anything for it as I hate taking anything because usually it doesn't help. Fortunately, today I woke up and have been feeling fine. I just hope I don't have a repeat of whatever happened to me last night. We googled side effects of migraines and sure enough everything I was experiencing was what could happen. I've suffered from migraines in the past and had all these same symptoms just not this bad of a one in several years. It really can knock you out. I am just thankful that I've not had so many as of late.

A friend of mine and I are having a yard sale next weekend. I have gone through closets and some rooms in our house to see what we can live without or don't use anymore. I used to purge and donate a box every month to our local PTA thrift store. My motto is also if you bring something into the house you've got to get rid of one item. I have not lived by this in the past year. Where has 2011 gone? I know I've been grieving the loss of Leia but it also seems like it can't be the end of September already. I've probably got two boxes of items. If I can sell anything I'll be happy and what doesn't go will be donated.

Speaking of end of year this means holidays. I really would rather skip them all together this year and just get them over. I don't want January to be here but I also don't want Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. One nice thing is that I think we've convinced my hubs family that a holiday gathering in AZ would be good. (Last year we had snow most of the time his family was here from out of town). Hopefully this plan continues and we can all meet up out west and we will also get to see my hubs brother who moved out that way three years ago. We've been wanting to get out there so it seems like this would be a good diversion and different way of spending the holidays.

I have been reading other blogs. Happy for some other BLM's out there who have had a rainbow baby or found out they are expecting. It really does warm my heart to know that there are others out there who have gone on and had their happy ending. I hope all of us in this boat get our happy ending and get what we want when it comes to babies and families. I am thinking of you all and hoping all continues to go well for all of you.

9/11

I've been doing lots of thinking this week as we approach this weekend. It is not only the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 but it will also mark the 8-month mark since Leia has not been with us. I think of all the families who lost loved ones. The children who lost a mother or father which no child should ever have to face. I think about that day 10 years ago and where I was and what I was doing. I was at work and remember a colleague telling me about the first plane going into the towers. I was so stunned when she told me and then taken aback because I had to ask her where the towers were located. (I knew, I think just realizing what was happening to me was making my mind go blank). I was busy with something else and just stunned when she told me NYC. Earlier that day I had just seen my then husband (now ex) off on his business trip. He was flying into JFK that day. The next thing I did was try to call his cell which didn't go through. (Later we would learn that many calls to cell phones that day wouldn't go through due to being jammed up). I then called my in-laws and they knew also that their son had flown into JFK that day as well. They were worried as I was as well. It was a horrendous day. I remember other people I worked with being worried. I remember going into the conference room and watching the news. It was all just so terrible. Who would do such a terrible thing and why? Seeing the destruction and so many people just before our eyes having their lives taken. I went home that night to an empty house and to my doggie. I held him and watched the live coverage of the days events. I called family and talked to them and let them know how much I loved them. I did end up talking to my husband who got stuck in the middle of all the mess. He ended up driving back to PA because flights were not going out and he couldn't get to NJ which is where he was originally going. It was a day I will never forget. Shortly after 9/11, about two months my then husband announced to me about his intentions to leave our marriage. I had no say or was able to save our marriage. He was out and I was alone. I've since gone on to re-marry and found a great person that I KNOW I will spend the rest of my life with. He is NOTHING like my ex and everything I want in a spouse. He is loving, kind, compassionate, caring, and most importantly he is Leia's Daddy. If we ever get the chance to parent a child here on earth I know that he is going to be so involved and loving to him or her. So as I end this post I think of everyone and that day ten years ago. It is so tragic but I have also seen many stories of people who have gone on and learned to live with their grief and sorrow. They've done philanthropic or certain things to honor their loved one's. I only hope that one day I can do the same for my Leia and do some good for others. I want to honor and remember her and also go on and be happy, if that does exist.

Stillbirth Remembrance Day

Today, September 6th is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. Stillbirths tragically strike 1 out every 115 pregnancies. In the USA, 26,000 babies are stillborn every year. That's approximately 71 precious babies every single day. Remembering all the babies lost to stillbirth today and everyday and my Leia Grace. Gone too soon and love you baby girl ♥

One Year Ago

One year ago today we learned that we were having a girl. I had always felt up to that point that I was having a girl. I am not sure why or if it was my own intuition, but I just knew. We were so excited! I went out immediately after the ultrasound appointment and bought this cute outfit with the bib expressing our joy of having Leia.

We called all of our immediately family and were telling friends that knew of the pregnancy. We were making lists of names. I think it was around this time or shortly after that we had found the name Leia. We were so happy and optimistic. I was reading all the pregnancy books and enjoying my pregnancy. I would smile and think I was so lucky to be experiencing a pregnancy. Now it is all doom and gloom. I feel no hope. I wish I could but just not today. One year ago we were happy and excited about life and now today I am sitting here crying.

This time last week we were in my hometown. The morning was sunny and beautiful. I was able to see my one niece who I haven't seen in close to two years. She came running up to greet me. She is almost 9 years old and getting so grown up and beautiful. We had breakfast with my sisters and her extended family. We then went to my nephew's wedding later that day and saw a handful of many people that I haven't seen in many years. I know some may not have known what had happened but I knew it was suppose to be a happy day so I kept my thoughts and emotions to myself. As we all know when you go to weddings there are usually babies and kids. I watched as several pregnant women danced with their kids and younger children. I also watched two very little girls dance with each other. It hurt when my sister suggested getting a picture of our "whole" family together. I thought,  "No, there is one missing, my Leia". I was able to keep it together but at the end of the night I was upset and sad. I was able to say a few things to my husband and he tried to comfort me but I was still sad. It was not how I wanted our trip for this wedding to go. I had expected it to be so different. I think what also hurt is that none of my family or friends of my parents expressed or said anything to me about Leia. I know they didn't want to upset me but it would have really meant so much if they could have just said something to let me know that they cared or was thinking of Leia. Why does it take so much for people to show they care?

We then went on the next day to visit my hubs family that live almost two more hours away. We had a couple nice days of seeing his family and some new places that I had not been before. On our last evening their his Aunt had come over for dinner and when we were taking her home she did bring up Leia and say that she was very sorry for what had happened. It made me feel so good to know that she could say this to us. Somehow in the conversation she brought up about how she had almost lost her son in her first pregnancy. Fortunately for her, the pregnancy continued and her son lived. I thought to myself, how can a person with a son that is over 50 years old be okay? Why couldn't they save my Leia? We live in an age and time where healthcare is readily available and should be so advanced. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Some days I am perfectly fine but others I just want to run away from it all. Like today. We are having some remnants of Hurricane Irene so we've got rain and mild wind. I've been watching outside and seeing the butterfly by Leia's stones move around. I think about what I would be doing if she were here.

Coincidence

Just a small thought for today. I returned to work today after a week off and the first client that I took her information was named "Leisa". Take out the "s" and you have Leia. I felt like she was with me the moment I looked at the name for a second time. I have never seen this name spelled that way before. Sometimes I feel as if my every thought is with her in mind. She is always on my mind and I miss her so much. 

Really?

I've had a rough day. And to top it off we leave tomorrow night for our week long trip back home to our respective hometowns and to see our families. So not looking forward to any of it.

In my usually organizing and OCD manners I've been attempting to get things all set both at home and work. This just did not work today. I had three different clients that felt the need to either take their anger out on me or just vent. My old self would have taken to heart these matters and really cared. Not today. I just let them go. I thought to myself as the one ended his conversation abruptly, "I really don't care and I hope you feel better now". I just wonder sometimes why us human beings can sometimes be so nasty to one another. This person didn't need to take this tone or talk to me this way. I then thought maybe they have other things going on and I'd let it go. I was able to do that. I just don't care anymore. I mean I do, but not the way my former self would have. I am going to leave tomorrow night and forget about all of it. The work will be there when I get back as will the house and everything that needs to be done. I've got to let it go and relax a little.

My other apprehension about going home is seeing everyone that I have not seen since everything happened with Leia. What will they say? What won't they say? How will it be? So many things I am contemplating. My hubs and I were talking tonight about how we both were not looking forward to this trip. I told him I had such a different idea of how our trip would have been if Leia were here. It would have been the first time she would have met most of her family on my side. I had even gone so far as having a friend set to watch her during the wedding reception we are attending this weekend. Who knew it would be so different? We will go but I am just not sure how it will all be.

I am also upset as I just read another fellow BLM blog and she is not expecting after going through an IVF and donor procedure. I am so sorry that this did not work for her and feeling so down. I was so hoping she would have success. Why is it that some of us struggle so much for the one thing that seems so unattainable? I am thinking of Finding My New Normal and sending her good vibes.

Thinking of my Leia as we venture to our hometowns. Wishing she was here with us to see and meet all our families. You may be gone sweet baby girl but you are in my heart and I take you with me everywhere I go. The few pictures I have of you will be with me and those that want to see them will get to see them. I love you baby girl.

Seven

Seven months today that my Leia Grace was born still. I think sometimes that it can't be that long or other times it feels like it was just yesterday. To add to my huge amount of sadness today I had to drop my husband off at the airport at 7am this morning. I cried when I drove out of the airport. He has safely arrived and I can breathe a little better now knowing he is safe. Now for him to come home safely on Sunday. Sigh....this is my life and so sad.

I've posted a picture of my Treasure Bean. I've started carrying this with me in my purse. I feel as if a little piece of my baby girl is with me.

Insomnia Strikes Again This Week

Well is has happened again. I am having a bout of insomnia, second time this week. Ugh. I am not sure why or how but it has happened again this week. I am debating in my head whether it is just me "overthinking" or if this is the result of me taking Benedryl for close to two weeks and now I've stopped taking it. The Benedryl combined with Melatonin would knock me out. I had some great sleep those two weeks. I was taking Benedryl because I had some kind of skin outbreak and the bites/sores had me itching them so much it was the only relief I would seem to get. I almost broke down and went to a dermatologist for the rash/sores but they subsided and have gone away, so I didn't. I really should have gone  (I even had an appointment scheduled) but the copay for that type of doctor is considered a specialist and since our insurance sucks sucks, yes it really does I just couldn't justify paying the $60 copay. My other thought about my insomnia striking is that I have been taking Melatonin, which has in the past six months been very helpful in taking to help me fall asleep. I have had a few times where I've woke up and had a little trouble getting back to sleep. The last bottle of Melatonin we bought was 5mg and I've been taking 3mg before this. So is this the reason? I am not sure but I just hope that maybe in a little while I can get back to sleep though I am not counting on it.

One thing I was thinking about while attempting to fall back to sleep was about a phone call I had earlier on Wednesday with the hospital where Leia was born. They keep billing us each month. We've paid off our big bill that was due but this smaller bill they've set up a payment plan. The bill is just a little over 200 that is due. We could pay it off and be done with it but I guess at this point it is just principal. I get a little mad each month when I am paying it and today I felt the need to inquire about why the balance due figure doesn't go down since we've diligently been paying them for the past six-months. I was then informed that a procedure that we had done at this hospital almost TWO YEARS AGO has now been denied by our insurance and they have re-billed us for this. I think it was for our second IUI procedure that we had done in the fall of 2009. I became so upset and really voiced my rage about this to the customer representative on the other end. I mean, really? I just don't understand how they can randomly decide to go back and charge us for something that was paid by our insurance. I became so upset and so enraged with this hospital. Not only do you continue to take our money but you denied me seeing a maternal fetal specialist and now my Leia is not here. I was so mad. I just can't take it anymore. For over three years we have struggled with infertility. We have paid so much out as most of these treatments are not covered by our insurance. Not only must we deal with infertility and the pain of not being able to conceive but we must keep paying and for what? Somewhere, someone very important with our insurance company has decided that a woman who can't conceive must pay the cost. Only when you are "deemed" officially pregnant did our insurance start to cover our ultrasounds and appointments. I am just so upset that the insurance companies have done this to all of who are suffering with infertility. It makes me want to write my legislature and government representatives and tell them what we have been through. I know my current state had some new bills proposed for infertility treatments. So, enough about that. It just makes me so mad and frustrated. I don't want to let this get me upset but it does.

Earlier this week I took a call from a client. She was calling to inform us that her son had passed away back at the end of July. The minute she told me this I felt overcome and had goosebumps on my arms. I understood what she was feeling and could relate. I looked back at the clients file and noticed that I had called him several days after he had passed. It made me feel terrible. I have never met this person but I had talked to him on the phone a few weeks ago. Now his Mother was calling us and I could so relate. I knew what she was feeling and dealing with. Even though my Leia was only with me for a short 9-months I understood her pain and anguish. She was upset. I was upset. I had to go to the bathroom and compose myself after taking the call. I felt so bad. Everyone is dealing with something in their lives. Later that day I had to send a letter to the woman and I extended my condolences in the letter. I am not sure how the attorney I work for would feel about this being in the letter but I did want this woman to know. It was the least that could be done. I never met this woman or her son but I now get it. She was grieving losing her son and I too am grieving losing my daughter. It hurts so much sometimes. She is not here and never will be. I cry and think about my Leia all the time. I am approaching seven months of her being gone. It is all just so unfair.

Well I hope my ramblings and writing have helped to calm me down. I guess it is now time to check out the DVR and see what I might want to watch. I am feeling a little sleepy so maybe I will get lucky and fall back to sleep. Good-night BLM's and everyone else. Hugs to you all and thinking of each and every one of you out there and your babies that are not here with us.

Thinking of my Leia Grace. Love you sweet girl.

The End of July

Today is the last day of the month. A new month starts and we are further away from January and when my little Leia was delivered. It seems some days as if no time has passed and then others that I feel like it has been an eternity. But really it hasn't at all. I still think of my Leia all the time. What would she be doing if she were alive? How would she be getting along and what she might look like. It is hard some days more than others. I've had my share of crying today and probably will have a little more. We've had some thunderstorms here today and on days like this, where the sun is in and out I tend to be a little more melancholy. Maybe it is because I am home alone and having some time to think and process things about my Leia.

I had a dream that we were looking for cribs. I woke up with a feeling of why would we be doing that. My hubs and I have talked in the past week about what we will do moving forward. We have to decide fairly soon (I am not getting any younger as the months go on) about if we want to try and do another procedure with our frozen embryos or if we will just wait. We know this won't be done next month as we are traveling but I guess just the thought of going back to our fertility office has me getting a little apprehensive. In the beginning when this all happened we decided that we would try on our own and that if that didn't work then we would start to consider doing something with the frozen embryos that we have left. This SCARES me so much. I mean in reality the procedure will not be the same as our first IVF fresh cycle however it will still mean numerous doctor appointments, ultrasounds, decisions to be made. In a way I want success but then I think about the outcome of that. Are we betraying Leia in some way by trying to conceive again? Will the procedure work? If it does not work what will we do? So many questions and thoughts running through my mind. I also then have thoughts of why oh why we just can't conceive on our own. It seems so pointless to even bring it up at this point but everything would be so much easier if that would just happen on our own. In the months that we have tried we have had no success but we did have one very late cycle. It just seems so easy for some to conceive and while I know there are so MANY women out there that can't. I just feel so inferior, like I am not a woman if I can't conceive on my own. Like my body has failed me. I am perfectly healthy otherwise. I just had all my blood tests done and blood pressure is fine. I just don't understand why I can't do this one thing and you have no control over it. It sucks.

Approaching the seven-month mark. I've got some things planned for the month to help me get through it. An overnight trip to the beach with a good friend who gets this whole fertility trek. She is about three years younger and struggling with infertility as well and so we have some good talks about this whole journey. We also have a wedding on my side of the family so we will make a trip to our home state of New York and spend time between both of our families. It will be nice to see all of our families but I can't help but think of how I had envisioned our trip this time last year. Leia would have probably been meeting some of her family for the first time and it would have been so fun to introduce her to everyone and have her dressed up so pretty for a wedding. It won't be how I had planned. We talk daily about not going but I can't do that to my family. I want to but I know I can't. Life goes on. Major life events happen for others. You know others who are struggling. We are all having our up and downs. We just need to get through and enjoy this life as much as we can.

I hope everyone has a good week and that all of you out there with special dates are doing okay. I am thinking of you all every day and sending love.

Thinking of and missing you sweet baby girl Leia Grace. Mommy misses you so much and I think of you all the time. I see a butterfly and it reminds me of you. I was just outside and had one fly near me. I felt a little closer to you when that butterfly flew over my head.

Time

I can't believe I haven't posted in over a week. I've had much on my mind and lots going on. I have been keeping up with other fellow blogger's and posting a few comments when I could or felt I had something to say. Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post. 


So a good friend from college days flew in this past Friday from upstate NY. We have been friends 20+ years and had a good visit. I was apprehensive about picking her up from the airport. I cried as I drove to the airport knowing that we would be talking about Leia. We have talked over the phone several times since January but with her here I wanted to share with her about Leia. So after a late lunch and light talk about other things we were finally home and before I knew it I was showing her Leia's pictures/room and we were crying and hugging each other. It was good to talk with her about Leia. She said it just didn't seem fair that she was not here with us and she didn't understand how this could have happened but that she was glad she came down and sorry she hadn't come sooner than she did. I am glad we were able to have these moments in person and to talk about my Leia. I felt so much better after this.


This friend gets what we have been through. She's struggled with the fact of not having her own child due to some circumstances outside of her control. Her spouse had two children very young and they are both out of high school now. Her husband had a procedure that kept him from reproducing which they attempted to have reversed and the surgery was not successful. So after this was done they both made the decision that they would not have any children together, nor would they adopt. I asked her in one of our phone conversations a few months back how she had come to this place and how she was able to live with the fact of knowing that she would never have her own child. She told me that she just decided that for her adoption what not an option and that she decided as a couple they would focus on other things in their life. They've started their own business, they travel and in a few weeks they will get a new golden retriever puppy that will be eight weeks old. They are accepting and moving on with their "child free" life as a couple. I admire that my friend has been able to do this. She told me that she has had a few moments where she has seen other family members pregnant or with their babies and that she had to take a few minutes to herself and just take it in. She said she realized she would never have that. I thought to myself how I was lucky to have over 9 months with Leia. I heard her heartbeat, felt her move, and kick inside of me. While I never got to hold her as a living baby I did get to see and hold her shortly after she was delivered. I spent several hours with her and have clippings of her hair, pictures and her hand/footprints. I guess what I am thinking now is that while I am of course sad and grieving the loss of my only baby girl, I am also thinking about the precious time that I did have with her. It was short and while she is physically gone now I do have her memory and her in my heart always. I don't know what the future holds. Will we get pregnant again? I don't know and all I can hope for is that I can one day be at peace if this is all we have. One precious baby girl not here but certainly in my heart. 


Love you Leia Grace.

This is My Life

I just came across a piece of paper that I had dated 12/29/10. I was still pregnant then with Leia and just got a flashback to that time. I just had to say to myself that I cannot believe this is my life. Life without her here. It sucks. I miss her so much and can't believe this is my reality. I wish sometimes I could just sleep the days away but I know that is not possible. Filling my days with distractions and just getting by it seems. I don't see how our life will be any better. My hubs tells me that we will have better days. Friends tell me this as well as my family. I just wonder when.

Thinking of and missing you Leia Grace. Mommy loves you so much.

Six Months

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart." -Helen Keller

Always in my heart sweet baby girl. Love and thinking of you all the time Leia Grace. 

Facebook Over a Year Ago

Many of you fellow BLM's have posted about Facebook and your experiences. I just had one that has brought tears to my eyes. You see I've found since being on FB I've reconnected with many family members and friends through the years and being able to find them on the site has been nice. But as of today I have been reminded of how a year ago I was so happy and excited for the arrival of our Leia. I have a cousin that I was in her wedding when she was married many years ago. I was her flower girl and about four years old. I've not seen this cousin probably in over five years, maybe more. I found her daughter on FB last year and sent her a note asking about her mother and how to get a hold of her. That was on June 25 of LAST year. I had sent her a message through chat and told her I really wanted to talk with her mother. I had some "important news". Well the daughter never got back to me so recently I sent another message and this one went to my cousins niece. So I guess the niece talked to her cousin who then finally sent me a message back. The problem is the message was from June 25 of LAST year. I seemed so happy and optimistic in that quick note to my cousin. I am glad I finally have my cousins contact information and I really do want to call her but it all just seems so unfair. I don't have the happy news now that I'd like to share.


For the most part as of late I have been staying off the FB. It really is more due to time issues than anything else. But like most others have said on their blogs it is "happyland". This time of year you see families and their loved ones going on vacations. Their are many pictures of babies that have just arrived. If you are in my scenario I also have friends with grandchildren already. They of course started their families right out of high school. There is nothing wrong with this it's just the life they chose. So I guess my point to this whole FB post is that while it is in general a great tool and a way to reconnect it is also a reminder of what you are missing out on. I know I've had other experiences that maybe others with families have not. I've had my choice of moving and living in several states. I've traveled and had many fun experiences. I've had MY time but now I just want a child that gives my husband and I something more to look forward to for the future. To experience the world through a child's eyes seems to be so amazing. I hope one day we have that but for now I'll keep my account on FB and log in when I can but for the most part just try to live each day looking forward and thinking positive.


Thinking of and missing you Leia. You would be almost six months old now. I can only imagine what you would be experiencing and the joy you'd be bringing to us in our lives. We love you and love you forever sweet precious baby girl Leia Grace.

Stepping Stones

I finally got Leia's stepping stones out in our back yard. I took a few pictures. The one picture that was taken further away it is hard to see Leia's initials. I like looking out our kitchen window and seeing the stones. It somehow makes me feel at peace and happy knowing they are now placed and seeing them daily.  I may decide to move them around from time to time. Also, they may need to be moved inside during our colder months of the year so this is the reason I have not put them more permanently into the ground.

I hope everyone had a good 4th of July. I wish a happy week to everyone and that some of you who are waiting on some news get the positive tests and results that you all so deserve.

Distractions

Well it is the last day of June and the beginning of another month is upon us. I'm not a fan of the beginning of months. We are now coming up closely to the six-month mark of our Leia being born. In some ways I wonder where the past several months have gone and then I think how it cannot be almost six months since she has been gone. We were so close to having everything we ever wanted and then everything changed so quickly. It stings. Of course we have plopped ourselves right in the middle of a neighborhood that is filled with parents and families, children running around outside in the warm weather playing, moms walking and jogging with their strollers, I could go on and on. It is all just a stinging reminder of what we don't have.

To top the week off I got a call yesterday from the doctor I had seen about my kidneys. He is worried about a cyst that was seen during my ultrasound that is near one of my ovaries. He compared it to being the size of a softball and really wants me to see a gynecologist about it. I've known for close to two weeks about it and just chalked it up to being contributed to my endometriosis and figured it really wasn't a big issue. I did call my ob/gyn office that I went to with Leia and they called back to tell me that it was probably nothing and gave me the name of a doctor that I could see. That is not happening. I refuse to go back to this same hospital who I now find myself questioning their practices and procedures. So I will go back to my old ob/gyn office that I haven't been to in over 2 years. I will more than likely have to see a new doctor and go through my recent medical history, etc. I am not looking forward to any of it. I just want a clean bill of health which is probably the case but just to be sure I'll have to get it checked out. I do appreciate this doctor calling me back and taking the time to really care about what is going on with me.

So as of recent we have taken up what other BLM's call "distractions". We have decided to paint one of our bathrooms this weekend. We got samples last weekend and have decided on a color. Now we just need to get the few painting supplies and the paint and we can hopefully knock it out this Saturday. We have also talked about going to see some fireworks which neither one of us has done recently so we may do that as well. We are also excited to try a new Mexican restaurant and finally get to an ice cream place in our area that is known for their exquisite flavors of ice cream. I just found on their website a flavor called "Chocolate Lavender". I wonder what that tastes like?

Really it is all just going through the motions and keeping our minds off reality and keeping ourselves occupied with things that really don't matter. What matters is that we loved our Leia and still do. I am crying less these days but she is constantly on my mind. I see a bird or butterfly and it makes me think of her and what we are missing. I hear a song that reminds me of my pregnancy last summer and feeling her kicks and movement. I see a couple out with their little daughter and her dark hair and think of Leia. It really makes no sense to me sometimes how I can go from being happy to sad so quickly. You just get hit so fast, like hitting a brick wall and you are in that place and you can't get out of it.

I am happy to write that the last stepping stone that I have been frantically searching for in-stores and on-line finally arrived today thanks to Amazon. I have purchased the "L" and the "R" and just needed the "G' to have all of Leia's initials. I plan to put them out in our garden area of our yard this weekend and get some flowers near the stones. Once I have them out and like how they are placed I will take a picture and post it here. It is just my way of honoring and keeping her memory alive. I want to have a place that I can go to outside and see and think of her.

All my love to you Leia Grace. You are gone from this earth but you are always in my heart and constantly on my mind.

Cleaning Up and Organizing

For many years I've had friends, family and colleagues always tell me I've been a bit of a neat freak or as one person said, "anal retentive". This is referring to my need for everything to be organized, cleaned and orderly. This is just how I am and while I haven't been so much like this lately I am suddenly getting back to my obsession of organizing. I am not sure if this is a sign or just my way of a distraction. This morning was no exception as I went through my entire closet and got rid of three bags of clothes. One bag was for donation, one was going to a family member who always loves when I clean out my closets and the last was full of maternity clothes. I don't know why I haven't moved them before today. Most of them are fall or winter type and definitely won't be worn during the hot summer months we are now experiencing here in the south. I guess it was just time to move them to our third floor which serves as an attic now with one day hopes or plans to finish it off. I think one reason I had been hesitant to move them is because it meant taking them up to our attic where many of Leia's items have been placed for storage. Strollers, swings and many other baby items that were moved to our attic back in January. As I left the bag up there this morning I quickly looked at all the items and then before I knew it I was back in the bathroom off our bedroom, in tears. I just couldn't bear to think about everything up there and what it meant. They might never be used or they could be. We just don't know what our future holds. I think more and more about other options. I think about conceiving on our own and that scares me. I think about egg donation and how others I've met here through blogging have gone through many different procedures to get to where they are. I just don't know and the unknown is so hard. I WANT to control what happens but there is none of that in a pregnancy or with this part of life. So now I am looking at hangers on the internet as the obsession continues, I want all hangers that are the same to hang in my closet. Oh how I wish I wasn't looking at hangers and instead holding my baby girl and taking her for walks in her stroller. 


Love and missing you precious baby girl Leia. 

Can't Sleep

I am up after about three hours of sleep. I was faithful in taking my melatonin and vitamin B supplements to help with sleeping but somehow they did have their effect tonight. I've had lots on my mind with things that have happened in the past few days and also thinking about things coming up.


So I got the results from my nephrologist and as of right now I have no cysts on my kidneys that can be seen by an ultrasound. This should be good news, right? He also told me that they saw a cyst on one of my ovaries and suggested that I see my gynecologist about this cyst. This has me wondering if the cyst is just my mild case of endometriosis or is it something more. I was hoping that maybe this would have miraculously gone away with everything that happened during my pregnancy with Leia however I think this is not the case. So I think about this cyst. Don't even mention that I have no desire to see any doctor about this much less my last gynecologist. Ick. I just want it to all go away but I know that won't happen.


Saturday came and went. The birthday is over. The other thing I received that day other than turning a year older was my cycle which was a week and one day late. What can be worse than turning 40 you ask? Well getting your cycle that day was my answer. I was secretly hoping that maybe for once something was going right and that we had conceived on our own with no assistance. So not the case and so disappointing. But then there is also part of me that was thinking, if I was pregnant would I be able to handle it? Would it be fair to Leia? Would the pregnancy stick? So many things to think about and acknowledge but now all those thoughts are gone with my cycle coming. 


On Sunday I wanted to do something special for my hubs. He has been so great the past few months. I worry about him and how he is handing the loss of our Leia. He will show his emotion to me once in awhile but for the most part he seems to keep or hold it in. His latest obsession and way of dealing seems to be working out in our home gym. I think about how much I have tried to get us both into working out since we've been together. I could care less about it at the moment however with him it is about the only thing outside of work that he does daily. I am happy that he has taken on the working out but I wonder sometimes if is just his way of coping. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I just wonder if it is enough but I guess I am not in a state of mind to decide this. So anyways getting back to Sunday and it being Father's Day I decided to get him a key chain with "love you forever" on the tag. I also picked out a card and gave it to him. I know we did not talk about what we would do but I just wanted to show him that he is still a father and that he is remembered by me as being just that. I know he would have been great with Leia and taking care of her every want or need. I see how he is with my two nieces and he really goes out of his way to get to know them or do things with them. I know he would do anything to have our Leia back and the time with her. We have both waited so long in our lives to have or start a family. We are both so ready for a new or different part of life. I am not sure if we will ever get to that. It really hurts to put that into words. 


This weekend I have made plans to spend the day with my youngest niece. She has just turned seven years old. In the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time with my youngest niece. She would come over when her parents were working or just to visit. I haven't spent as much time with her in past months. This is mainly because she is in school now and because I have found it hard to think about what I will say or do when she asks about Leia. I was thinking about that tonight as I laid in bed and it made me start crying. I know she was so excited at Christmas about her "cousin". We had talked about what we were going to name her and if she came early. We all joked about her coming on the day of another family members birthday. Leia came one week before that and not the way we wanted. It hurts and it brings back all those thoughts of January. I can't believe it will be six months soon. It seems as if it was just yesterday that we lost our Leia. 


I've been planning our upcoming trip to see our families in August. In two months we will be at our hometowns and seeing all of our family. On my side of the family there is a wedding taking place. It is so not how I had planned or thought the event would be. I thought we'd have our new little girl with us at the wedding and she would be meeting all of our families and friends. I don't even want to go now but we must. It is my sister's son getting married and it would not be right if we did not go. I know deep down I couldn't do that to him or his fiancée. They have waited several years to tie the knot and I want to be there to support and give them our love. In some way I know that going back to where I grew up is going to be so HARD. You have all these hopes and dreams and just going back to the place where you had your entire childhood and teenage years, I know is going to be difficult for me. 


Well I think my hour of typing has possibly made me a little sleepy. I don't usually get this lucky. Maybe getting everything out through typing and thinking has helped. I hope everyone out there in blog world is having a better night of sleeping than I am.

The Past Several Days

This whole week has flown by. I can't believe it is another Friday. The past few days have been tough just because of several triggers and appointments. I am feeling the need to write things out and hopefully I will feel better.


I had a doctor appointment with a nephrologist yesterday. This doctor deals with kidney issues. Since learning my birth mothers medical history (polycystic kidneys) I felt the need to get in with this kind of doctor and get checked out. I waited two months to see the doctor that we were referred to by our doctor. I really liked him and felt like he really took time with me and to understand what I needed. He started first off right after walking into the exam room by saying he was sorry for my loss of Leia. He had taken the time to read my forms that I spent several hours completing for this appointment (that could be another whole post). It made me tear up and just knowing he took the time to show some compassion and express this to me, I immediately felt at ease. He went through all my medical history and basically told me that based on what I told him that he would need to do some blood tests and an ultrasound to really ensure that I am fine and that I hopefully don't have polycystic kidney disease (PKD), which can be genetic and passed on. Now he did ensure me that maybe my birth mother was misdiagnosed and that there would be a chance I don't have any issues. Which I had thought about this possibility as well. He also told me that more than likely since I had recently been pregnant that there would have been a good chance if there was any issue with my kidneys that it would have been caught during that time. My hubs and I discussed this and thought that would be the case. The doctor said since I had ultrasounds during the pregnancy that a "good" technician would have seen something on my kidneys. I hope this is the case but I am not relying on that. I want confirmation that I am okay physically and that my kidneys are okay. The good news is that the doctor has already called with my blood tests results and told me that everything looks normal with them. Now I just wait for a second call about the results from the ultrasound. Luckily I was able to get all of this done yesterday which is highly unusual. but I had the time and they were able to fit me in. I am glad that happened. I just hope to hear good news and hopefully he tells me that as of right now I don't have PKG. Thinking good thoughts about this.


But now I digress because while I appreciated him commenting about my Leia it did leave me out of sorts for the rest of the day. Yes, I went to work and "got by". I am suddenly questioning my ability and why I took this job. I seem to lack the ability to multitask as well as I used to just a few years ago when I was working full-time. I find myself catching small mistakes and beating myself up. I think about Leia. How I should be home caring for and holding her. Not answering phones and fielding questions from clients. What does it all matter? And then I think of Leia again. I was asked some personal questions by someone I work with and then I think, will they ask if I have children? What will I say? Will I burst out crying and have to leave because I can't take it? So many things come to my mind. But then luckily this person gets distracted and suddenly they are on to something else. I am sighing and thinking to myself that maybe I can make it through. I end up leaving a half hour past my end time with still piles of things to be done. They can all be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me at that moment.


So I am home and then we are off to meet up with my sister-in-law. She has insisted on all three of us getting together since my birthday is this weekend. I don't really want to celebrate or acknowledge it in any way. I just want it over. I am turning 40. It sucks. I always say you only feel as old as you are. This year I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. She doesn't mention or talk about Leia. This upsets me. She doesn't ever acknowledge or bring her up. This makes me mad. I know it is just her way of coping but I wish she could bring Leia up.


This is not how I envisioned to be celebrating my birthday. I thought Leia would be here with us and we'd have our family complete. The three of us and it would be so special. I appreciate all my family and friends. I've got plans tonight with two close girlfriends who have really been here for me in recent months. One has a baby girl here with her. She is about 1 1/2 years old now. We had talked about our girls playing together and having fun growing up together. The other friend has had her struggles with trying to have a family and she gets me. Tomorrow I have plans with a close family member. We are getting pedicures and then hanging out. A mini-girls day and then my hubs has some plans. I so appreciate everyone reaching out and trying but I want it all over. I just want my Leia here. I am having triggers and they are making me cry. I have gone into her room and listened to the song that plays in the box where her ashes are placed. I look at everything still in the place it was over six months ago. All the carefully picked items placed around the room. I can't bare to think that they will never be used for Leia.


Hanging on by a thread and just wanting this weekend over. I also hope to hear good news from the doctor. Thinking of my Leia always and thinking how I can get through this day. Thank you to all my friends, my dear hubs and my family. You are all trying and I so appreciate it.


Love to my Leia Grace. XOXO

My Necklace with Leia's Name

Yesterday I wore this necklace and while I was buying some peaches yesterday the woman selling them to me commented to me how much she liked my necklace and asked me where I had gotten it. This simple kind comment to me brought the biggest smile to my face and made me think of my Leia. I was so happy for her kind words and that she took the time to tell me. I wear this necklace most weekends and particularly on Tuesdays. It helps me get through the days.

Five Months Today

Today is FIVE months. Five months ago we said hello and good-bye to our sweet Leia Grace. I have been sobbing, crying, thinking of what should have been and our reality. This is not how we had planned it. Our lives are forever changed and we have a new and different way of life. I take more time now to enjoy little things and worry less about things I used to. I had plans today to get outside and work on a little garden area in honor of my Leia Grace. I just haven't had the energy to get to it as of yet. Hopefully, I will be able to get to it later today.

Thinking of other BLM's who are also at this same mark today. Particularly LauraJane and Kelly. I am thinking of you both and sending love and hugs your way.

Dear Leia Grace, I miss you more every day. You are in my heart and I think of you constantly. I wish I could go back to the nine months that I had with you during the pregnancy. I love you so much baby girl. Love, Your Mommy

Poem by Colleen Hitchcock

ASCENSION

And if I go,

while you’re still here…

Know that I live on,

vibrating to a different measure

–behind a thin veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,

so you must have faith.

I wait for the time when we can soar together again,

–both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to its fullest.

And when you need me,

Just whisper my name in your heart,

…I will be there.

“Ascension”   ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock, Minneapolis, MN

We Remember Them

Yesterday the hospital where Leia Grace was born held their annual service of remembrance for parents who've lost their baby or a child. It was held in the afternoon and we had a beautiful sunny day to attend the event. I was apprehensive about going back to the hospital where we had Leia. I have not been back their since the end of February when we met with a fetal maternal specialist. I always get a little apprehensive about going back to the hospital. Going to the parking deck area and walking over the pedestrian walkway. Where I went so many times for check-ups with our doctor, baby classes, tours and ultrasounds. It always gets me missing the days of pregnancy and when Leia was with me. During the service they read aloud the names of everyone in attendance. It was so nice to hear Leia's name be read and then they also gave everyone the chance to speak if they so wanted. I couldn't find the courage or strength to do this but one person did. I was too overcome with emotion and thoughts to get myself together and do that. I don't regret it but somehow I just couldn't or didn't want to share at that moment. Then everyone had the chance to write a note or comment on a leaf that was then placed on a tree that had been painted and would be hung in the hospital a later day. After that part they announced that they wanted everyone to go down to the butterfly garden that is located on the first floor of the hospital. When we went walked into the garden a group of parents who have also lost children were playing handbells for us. This was really nice and we listened to several songs and everyone was blowing bubbles in the garden. There was a short receptions after this that we went to for a few minutes. There were several woman in attendance that were expecting and another couple that had lost a set of twins. I really wanted to talk with this couple but didn't see them at the reception part. I am glad that we attended the event. We ended the afternoon by coming home and placing Leia's ashes in the urn that we had bought. The urn is now in her room and I plan to keep it there for now. It was in some way a day of closure doing this and while we were both sad and shed many tears for Leia it makes me feel better to know that a small part of her is still with us and in it's proper place now. Just seeing the other parents and families and to feel their loss and see it does put perspective on our situation and makes us realize that we are not alone and that there are many others out there dealing with a loss that is similar or close to ours. Losing a child before you is not a normal event in a person's life and it seems so wrong and an unfamiliar path that we are walking each day. I have posted some pictures that I took to share. I hope if anyone out in BLM blog world has the opportunity to attend an event like this will go, as I think it will really help.


Dear Leia, We have your ashes in their final place now and in your room. I feel your presence every single day. I feel as if you are walking with me each day. I hope you know how much you were wanted and loved by us. Love you, Mommy & Daddy

Tree of life painting with leaves from families

                                    Leia's name printed in the event papers

Butterfly Garden

                                               Top of Leia's Urn

                                             Side view of Leia's Urn

                                  Book given out at the end of the event

Right Where I am: 4 Months, 3 Weeks & 1 Day

Angie of still life with circles has created a project, asking those of us in the babylost community to write a post about where we right now are in our grief journey.  It's a great idea and I'm proud to participate. Also, thanks to Becky and Molly for their posts on this as I've enjoyed reading them.


I am 4 months, 3 weeks and 1 day from meeting and saying good-bye to my first born daughter Leia Grace. She is the love of my life and I feel her in my heart and with me all the time. The day she was born was one I will never forget. Meeting her for the first time, when she was delivered and put on my tummy, I will never forget that moment. She was then taken and cleaned up by the nurses and brought back to us so we could hold and see her. I remember my hubs sister also holding her and then my niece holding her for a bit. We took several pictures but not nearly enough to remember her by. I wish I had more of her. So many regrets yet no going back.


I still have "triggers" and certain things that will set me off. I still have my usual cry each day. Some days are harder than others and I cannot correlate how these days come up. I feel as if the further we move away from January that it does not seem possible this has happened to me or us. I ask why and then remember also all the feelings and thoughts in those days just after Leia was gone. It was SO RAW, SO PAINFUL, SO HURTFUL. Our first born was with us for such a short time and looking back now just not enough time. I want all of last summer, fall and winter back when I was pregnant and feeling Leia's kicks and movements. I want to go back to that joyful time of being pregnant and blissfully happy.


I can get through days now with other distractions. Work, group therapy meetings, individual therapy sessions, daily household tasks that must be done, walking the dog and other things that used to seem so important but now mean nothing. I wonder sometimes the purpose of it all. Why are we doing this? Why do my hubs and I feel such a strong urge to procreate and have a family? Why are we even here? 


The other big thing we are having to deal with is our dear family and friends. Some of our family have been very supportive while others have basically "disappeared". I guess experiencing this kind of loss helps you realize those that are important and care about you. Some of this family we have helped through some rough times in their lives recently and just thought it would be returned to us during our time of need. I wish some of my family would have an understanding of just what we have been through. It is like they expect us to be normal - but we are not. We are not the same people. We are just trying to get by and make it through each day and week. Functioning at this point is hard some days and other days it is easier. Most of our friends have been very supportive and shown up for us during this time. Just this past weekend we spent with some friends who have two younger children. They are 2 and 3 years old and we can tolerate being around them and they are so cute. We were playing chase with the older one and when he was asked by his parents who gave the best hugs it brought a smile to my face to hear him say my name. I wonder if one day we will be able to play this kind of game with a child of our own. It means so much to me that this couple has really made an attempt to reach out to us during this time. I think they truly get it because they have had a pregnancy loss. Not quite as far along as ours but they too mourn the loss of a son born a few years before their other children. Most all of our friends have been so supportive and here for us during this time. They've reached out to us or made an effort to invite us out or do things with them. For this I am so thankful that they have done this for us.


I feel I am just where I am for my grief. There is no timeline, there is no perfect little pill to take that is going to make everything better. I need time to sort things out and to mourn losing Leia. Nothing is going to bring her back and nothing is going to magically make me feel better. I think all I can do now is keep doing what I have been doing and work through my grief and continue on with my so called life. Try to honor and remember our precious daughter and all that she meant to us and still does. She is in our hearts and constantly in our daily thoughts. Loving and missing you sweet baby girl.