I am up after about three hours of sleep. I was faithful in taking my melatonin and vitamin B supplements to help with sleeping but somehow they did have their effect tonight. I've had lots on my mind with things that have happened in the past few days and also thinking about things coming up.
So I got the results from my nephrologist and as of right now I have no cysts on my kidneys that can be seen by an ultrasound. This should be good news, right? He also told me that they saw a cyst on one of my ovaries and suggested that I see my gynecologist about this cyst. This has me wondering if the cyst is just my mild case of endometriosis or is it something more. I was hoping that maybe this would have miraculously gone away with everything that happened during my pregnancy with Leia however I think this is not the case. So I think about this cyst. Don't even mention that I have no desire to see any doctor about this much less my last gynecologist. Ick. I just want it to all go away but I know that won't happen.
Saturday came and went. The birthday is over. The other thing I received that day other than turning a year older was my cycle which was a week and one day late. What can be worse than turning 40 you ask? Well getting your cycle that day was my answer. I was secretly hoping that maybe for once something was going right and that we had conceived on our own with no assistance. So not the case and so disappointing. But then there is also part of me that was thinking, if I was pregnant would I be able to handle it? Would it be fair to Leia? Would the pregnancy stick? So many things to think about and acknowledge but now all those thoughts are gone with my cycle coming.
On Sunday I wanted to do something special for my hubs. He has been so great the past few months. I worry about him and how he is handing the loss of our Leia. He will show his emotion to me once in awhile but for the most part he seems to keep or hold it in. His latest obsession and way of dealing seems to be working out in our home gym. I think about how much I have tried to get us both into working out since we've been together. I could care less about it at the moment however with him it is about the only thing outside of work that he does daily. I am happy that he has taken on the working out but I wonder sometimes if is just his way of coping. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I just wonder if it is enough but I guess I am not in a state of mind to decide this. So anyways getting back to Sunday and it being Father's Day I decided to get him a key chain with "love you forever" on the tag. I also picked out a card and gave it to him. I know we did not talk about what we would do but I just wanted to show him that he is still a father and that he is remembered by me as being just that. I know he would have been great with Leia and taking care of her every want or need. I see how he is with my two nieces and he really goes out of his way to get to know them or do things with them. I know he would do anything to have our Leia back and the time with her. We have both waited so long in our lives to have or start a family. We are both so ready for a new or different part of life. I am not sure if we will ever get to that. It really hurts to put that into words.
This weekend I have made plans to spend the day with my youngest niece. She has just turned seven years old. In the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time with my youngest niece. She would come over when her parents were working or just to visit. I haven't spent as much time with her in past months. This is mainly because she is in school now and because I have found it hard to think about what I will say or do when she asks about Leia. I was thinking about that tonight as I laid in bed and it made me start crying. I know she was so excited at Christmas about her "cousin". We had talked about what we were going to name her and if she came early. We all joked about her coming on the day of another family members birthday. Leia came one week before that and not the way we wanted. It hurts and it brings back all those thoughts of January. I can't believe it will be six months soon. It seems as if it was just yesterday that we lost our Leia.
I've been planning our upcoming trip to see our families in August. In two months we will be at our hometowns and seeing all of our family. On my side of the family there is a wedding taking place. It is so not how I had planned or thought the event would be. I thought we'd have our new little girl with us at the wedding and she would be meeting all of our families and friends. I don't even want to go now but we must. It is my sister's son getting married and it would not be right if we did not go. I know deep down I couldn't do that to him or his fiancée. They have waited several years to tie the knot and I want to be there to support and give them our love. In some way I know that going back to where I grew up is going to be so HARD. You have all these hopes and dreams and just going back to the place where you had your entire childhood and teenage years, I know is going to be difficult for me.
Well I think my hour of typing has possibly made me a little sleepy. I don't usually get this lucky. Maybe getting everything out through typing and thinking has helped. I hope everyone out there in blog world is having a better night of sleeping than I am.