Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Can't Sleep

I am up after about three hours of sleep. I was faithful in taking my melatonin and vitamin B supplements to help with sleeping but somehow they did have their effect tonight. I've had lots on my mind with things that have happened in the past few days and also thinking about things coming up.

So I got the results from my nephrologist and as of right now I have no cysts on my kidneys that can be seen by an ultrasound. This should be good news, right? He also told me that they saw a cyst on one of my ovaries and suggested that I see my gynecologist about this cyst. This has me wondering if the cyst is just my mild case of endometriosis or is it something more. I was hoping that maybe this would have miraculously gone away with everything that happened during my pregnancy with Leia however I think this is not the case. So I think about this cyst. Don't even mention that I have no desire to see any doctor about this much less my last gynecologist. Ick. I just want it to all go away but I know that won't happen.

Saturday came and went. The birthday is over. The other thing I received that day other than turning a year older was my cycle which was a week and one day late. What can be worse than turning 40 you ask? Well getting your cycle that day was my answer. I was secretly hoping that maybe for once something was going right and that we had conceived on our own with no assistance. So not the case and so disappointing. But then there is also part of me that was thinking, if I was pregnant would I be able to handle it? Would it be fair to Leia? Would the pregnancy stick? So many things to think about and acknowledge but now all those thoughts are gone with my cycle coming. 

On Sunday I wanted to do something special for my hubs. He has been so great the past few months. I worry about him and how he is handing the loss of our Leia. He will show his emotion to me once in awhile but for the most part he seems to keep or hold it in. His latest obsession and way of dealing seems to be working out in our home gym. I think about how much I have tried to get us both into working out since we've been together. I could care less about it at the moment however with him it is about the only thing outside of work that he does daily. I am happy that he has taken on the working out but I wonder sometimes if is just his way of coping. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I just wonder if it is enough but I guess I am not in a state of mind to decide this. So anyways getting back to Sunday and it being Father's Day I decided to get him a key chain with "love you forever" on the tag. I also picked out a card and gave it to him. I know we did not talk about what we would do but I just wanted to show him that he is still a father and that he is remembered by me as being just that. I know he would have been great with Leia and taking care of her every want or need. I see how he is with my two nieces and he really goes out of his way to get to know them or do things with them. I know he would do anything to have our Leia back and the time with her. We have both waited so long in our lives to have or start a family. We are both so ready for a new or different part of life. I am not sure if we will ever get to that. It really hurts to put that into words. 

This weekend I have made plans to spend the day with my youngest niece. She has just turned seven years old. In the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time with my youngest niece. She would come over when her parents were working or just to visit. I haven't spent as much time with her in past months. This is mainly because she is in school now and because I have found it hard to think about what I will say or do when she asks about Leia. I was thinking about that tonight as I laid in bed and it made me start crying. I know she was so excited at Christmas about her "cousin". We had talked about what we were going to name her and if she came early. We all joked about her coming on the day of another family members birthday. Leia came one week before that and not the way we wanted. It hurts and it brings back all those thoughts of January. I can't believe it will be six months soon. It seems as if it was just yesterday that we lost our Leia. 

I've been planning our upcoming trip to see our families in August. In two months we will be at our hometowns and seeing all of our family. On my side of the family there is a wedding taking place. It is so not how I had planned or thought the event would be. I thought we'd have our new little girl with us at the wedding and she would be meeting all of our families and friends. I don't even want to go now but we must. It is my sister's son getting married and it would not be right if we did not go. I know deep down I couldn't do that to him or his fiancĂ©e. They have waited several years to tie the knot and I want to be there to support and give them our love. In some way I know that going back to where I grew up is going to be so HARD. You have all these hopes and dreams and just going back to the place where you had your entire childhood and teenage years, I know is going to be difficult for me. 

Well I think my hour of typing has possibly made me a little sleepy. I don't usually get this lucky. Maybe getting everything out through typing and thinking has helped. I hope everyone out there in blog world is having a better night of sleeping than I am.


  1. Oh Shell, I'm so sorry. Mother nature picks the worst times to show up. She seems to like playing jokes on us...I wish there was something more I could say to help you. Just know that you will be in my thoughts and I hope you have a better night. Try to enjoy your time with your neice.

  2. Men process things so differently than us... jason got obsessd with the gym for a while after hayes died. At least it's a healthy obsession but I still worried like you are. Btw thought long and hard about where to put the H sticker... decided on his bedroom door bc even if we have another child using that room, it will always be his room too. Thank u again!

  3. I agree that men obviously grieve differently. We all need an "out" and that seems to be his. Healthy though, thankfully! :)

    It's really good to let all this out. I'm glad you have a space for it, like we all do.

    And Happy Birthday! Even though I know it wasn't so happy, you deserve to celebrate your life, too. Without you there would have been no Leia.

  4. There is nothing like a late period to add as an extra smack in the face...makes me wonder if we can catch a break...somehwere...anywhere???

    My niece just turned 8 and we talk about Addi everytime I see her. She usually spends some time looking at my Addi necklace (holding it in her hand or just looking) she always notices if I am wearing Addi's birthstone earrings. She sometimes says things like "if Addi were here I would get to sit next to her in the car, things like that etc. Children grieve so open and honest, they say what we are thinking and it doesn't make sense to them anymore than to us and so they don't try and put a positive spin on things like grown ups do (I really hate when people try to make postive comments after I tell them grrr). I actually enjoy my time with her more than anyone because it is so special and amplified by the fact that we both love Addi so openly. I hope whatever you two do this weekend, you just have some special time together :)

  5. I wish my husband would use the gym as a way to work through his grief. I guess its good your husband is doing something healthy at least.

    I have a wedding in August also. It isn't family but for a very good friend of mine. I figured I either wouldn't be able to make it or just take Liam with me. But its not what I imagined either and know it will be difficult for me also. Having to put on a happy face, especially for a wedding, whether for family or a room full of strangers sucks either way.

    Thinking about you and Leia and hoping you were able to get back to sleep.

  6. Hi All, thanks so much for all your comments and kind words. I did get back to sleep but only for an hour before the hubs called down to me to put our doggie out. Just looking over this post and realizing I had some typos, guess I was a bit sleep deprived...haha! Rest of day was okay but I am sure looking forward to bed tonight.

  7. I read this when you posted, but wanted to chew on it before I posted.

    I so get the frustration which comes with your period arriving when you're late.. For me that lasted for 3 weeks this past *wonky* cycle. GAH. :(

    And yes, 6 months is unbelievable. I can't wrap my head around how quickly this time has passed.