Right Where I am: 4 Months, 3 Weeks & 1 Day

Angie of still life with circles has created a project, asking those of us in the babylost community to write a post about where we right now are in our grief journey.  It's a great idea and I'm proud to participate. Also, thanks to Becky and Molly for their posts on this as I've enjoyed reading them.


I am 4 months, 3 weeks and 1 day from meeting and saying good-bye to my first born daughter Leia Grace. She is the love of my life and I feel her in my heart and with me all the time. The day she was born was one I will never forget. Meeting her for the first time, when she was delivered and put on my tummy, I will never forget that moment. She was then taken and cleaned up by the nurses and brought back to us so we could hold and see her. I remember my hubs sister also holding her and then my niece holding her for a bit. We took several pictures but not nearly enough to remember her by. I wish I had more of her. So many regrets yet no going back.


I still have "triggers" and certain things that will set me off. I still have my usual cry each day. Some days are harder than others and I cannot correlate how these days come up. I feel as if the further we move away from January that it does not seem possible this has happened to me or us. I ask why and then remember also all the feelings and thoughts in those days just after Leia was gone. It was SO RAW, SO PAINFUL, SO HURTFUL. Our first born was with us for such a short time and looking back now just not enough time. I want all of last summer, fall and winter back when I was pregnant and feeling Leia's kicks and movements. I want to go back to that joyful time of being pregnant and blissfully happy.


I can get through days now with other distractions. Work, group therapy meetings, individual therapy sessions, daily household tasks that must be done, walking the dog and other things that used to seem so important but now mean nothing. I wonder sometimes the purpose of it all. Why are we doing this? Why do my hubs and I feel such a strong urge to procreate and have a family? Why are we even here? 


The other big thing we are having to deal with is our dear family and friends. Some of our family have been very supportive while others have basically "disappeared". I guess experiencing this kind of loss helps you realize those that are important and care about you. Some of this family we have helped through some rough times in their lives recently and just thought it would be returned to us during our time of need. I wish some of my family would have an understanding of just what we have been through. It is like they expect us to be normal - but we are not. We are not the same people. We are just trying to get by and make it through each day and week. Functioning at this point is hard some days and other days it is easier. Most of our friends have been very supportive and shown up for us during this time. Just this past weekend we spent with some friends who have two younger children. They are 2 and 3 years old and we can tolerate being around them and they are so cute. We were playing chase with the older one and when he was asked by his parents who gave the best hugs it brought a smile to my face to hear him say my name. I wonder if one day we will be able to play this kind of game with a child of our own. It means so much to me that this couple has really made an attempt to reach out to us during this time. I think they truly get it because they have had a pregnancy loss. Not quite as far along as ours but they too mourn the loss of a son born a few years before their other children. Most all of our friends have been so supportive and here for us during this time. They've reached out to us or made an effort to invite us out or do things with them. For this I am so thankful that they have done this for us.


I feel I am just where I am for my grief. There is no timeline, there is no perfect little pill to take that is going to make everything better. I need time to sort things out and to mourn losing Leia. Nothing is going to bring her back and nothing is going to magically make me feel better. I think all I can do now is keep doing what I have been doing and work through my grief and continue on with my so called life. Try to honor and remember our precious daughter and all that she meant to us and still does. She is in our hearts and constantly in our daily thoughts. Loving and missing you sweet baby girl.