Wednesday, June 1, 2011

June and Fix You

Usually the month of June is spattered with many celebrations in my side of the family with three birthdays, father's day and my sister's wedding anniversary. One of those birthdays is mine which I really don't want to celebrate this year. I just want to skip it this year. There just seems to be no good reason to mark it this year. I don't want any fuss or hoopla. My friends and family have other ideas. I have two very good girlfriends who have already told me to save a date for a dinner with them. It is nice of them both to remember me. But let's be honest, I would give anything to have my Leia here with me rather than celebrating another year of my age. That's just how I feel.

I took a long one-hour walk this morning. I enjoy this time outside. On my walk today I saw lizards, squirrels, many many birds and then a spry little bunny just at the end of my journey. He/she darted in front of my path and went hopping off into the woods. This little bunny sat just at the edge of the wooded area and looked back at me as I passed by. I couldn't help but think of my Leia and how the little things in nature mean so much more to me now. I now take the time to enjoy and really take in the moment of seeing little creatures going about their day. On my walks I tend to listen to some music. Some songs I have to skip over quickly as they are too raw or too much to hear. Other songs I listen more to the words and think about their meaning. One song that came up this morning was "Fix You" by Coldplay. My hubs has gotten me into this band and their songs. There was one lyric of the song "And the tears coming streaming down your face" or something like that. This song has taken on a new meaning since listening to it lately. The next line is, "When you lose something you can't replace". This line gets me. So true. I sometimes feel that we wanted Leia here so much with us and it seemed like we were finally getting our "Happy Ending".  It just didn't happen that way. And that part is the hardest because sometimes you don't get what you want and bad things happen.

Another month here Leia and we are approaching five months of you being born and gone. Think of you all the time little girl and miss you so much. All my love to you.


  1. I literally woke up this morning and went "oh no, it's June"! This is usually the start to my favorite time of year, but that's not how I felt this morning. We have 5 birthdays in June (one being mine as well) I agree with you, I could care less about my birthday this year. Not feeling like I have much to celebrate. Glad you had a nice long walk, it's important to take time out for things like that. :)

  2. I love the band Coldplay, one of my favorite bands. I love the lead singers voice.
    My 30th birthday was 3 weeks after Liam died-yuck, didn't care and didn't want to celebrate. Hopefully friends and family will understand if you don't want to make it a big celebration.
    Thinking of you..

  3. That song gets me every time too. :(

  4. coincidentally June is my birthday too. I was never very fond of celebrating my birthday but would have this time if I son were here.

    Now June remains a sad reminder of June of 2010. When I pregnant and happy. Everyday,I sit back and try to think what were I doing this same day last year.