Thursday, June 30, 2011


Well it is the last day of June and the beginning of another month is upon us. I'm not a fan of the beginning of months. We are now coming up closely to the six-month mark of our Leia being born. In some ways I wonder where the past several months have gone and then I think how it cannot be almost six months since she has been gone. We were so close to having everything we ever wanted and then everything changed so quickly. It stings. Of course we have plopped ourselves right in the middle of a neighborhood that is filled with parents and families, children running around outside in the warm weather playing, moms walking and jogging with their strollers, I could go on and on. It is all just a stinging reminder of what we don't have.

To top the week off I got a call yesterday from the doctor I had seen about my kidneys. He is worried about a cyst that was seen during my ultrasound that is near one of my ovaries. He compared it to being the size of a softball and really wants me to see a gynecologist about it. I've known for close to two weeks about it and just chalked it up to being contributed to my endometriosis and figured it really wasn't a big issue. I did call my ob/gyn office that I went to with Leia and they called back to tell me that it was probably nothing and gave me the name of a doctor that I could see. That is not happening. I refuse to go back to this same hospital who I now find myself questioning their practices and procedures. So I will go back to my old ob/gyn office that I haven't been to in over 2 years. I will more than likely have to see a new doctor and go through my recent medical history, etc. I am not looking forward to any of it. I just want a clean bill of health which is probably the case but just to be sure I'll have to get it checked out. I do appreciate this doctor calling me back and taking the time to really care about what is going on with me.

So as of recent we have taken up what other BLM's call "distractions". We have decided to paint one of our bathrooms this weekend. We got samples last weekend and have decided on a color. Now we just need to get the few painting supplies and the paint and we can hopefully knock it out this Saturday. We have also talked about going to see some fireworks which neither one of us has done recently so we may do that as well. We are also excited to try a new Mexican restaurant and finally get to an ice cream place in our area that is known for their exquisite flavors of ice cream. I just found on their website a flavor called "Chocolate Lavender". I wonder what that tastes like?

Really it is all just going through the motions and keeping our minds off reality and keeping ourselves occupied with things that really don't matter. What matters is that we loved our Leia and still do. I am crying less these days but she is constantly on my mind. I see a bird or butterfly and it makes me think of her and what we are missing. I hear a song that reminds me of my pregnancy last summer and feeling her kicks and movement. I see a couple out with their little daughter and her dark hair and think of Leia. It really makes no sense to me sometimes how I can go from being happy to sad so quickly. You just get hit so fast, like hitting a brick wall and you are in that place and you can't get out of it.

I am happy to write that the last stepping stone that I have been frantically searching for in-stores and on-line finally arrived today thanks to Amazon. I have purchased the "L" and the "R" and just needed the "G' to have all of Leia's initials. I plan to put them out in our garden area of our yard this weekend and get some flowers near the stones. Once I have them out and like how they are placed I will take a picture and post it here. It is just my way of honoring and keeping her memory alive. I want to have a place that I can go to outside and see and think of her.

All my love to you Leia Grace. You are gone from this earth but you are always in my heart and constantly on my mind.


  1. Ooooh! I love the idea of stepping stones w her initials!! What a great idea! Can't wait to see a pic

  2. My husband and I too try doing some things to keep our mind off reality but as you said my baby is on my mind every moment. Its so hard to live like this. No one should go through what we are going through now.

    I wish all goes well when you go to see you old gyn. You deserve something good.

    Love to you and baby Leia.

  3. The sixth month mark, I can't believe its been that long either.

    I like the idea of Leia's initials in your garden as well.

    I hope your ob/gyn appt goes well.