Friday, June 17, 2011

The Past Several Days

This whole week has flown by. I can't believe it is another Friday. The past few days have been tough just because of several triggers and appointments. I am feeling the need to write things out and hopefully I will feel better.

I had a doctor appointment with a nephrologist yesterday. This doctor deals with kidney issues. Since learning my birth mothers medical history (polycystic kidneys) I felt the need to get in with this kind of doctor and get checked out. I waited two months to see the doctor that we were referred to by our doctor. I really liked him and felt like he really took time with me and to understand what I needed. He started first off right after walking into the exam room by saying he was sorry for my loss of Leia. He had taken the time to read my forms that I spent several hours completing for this appointment (that could be another whole post). It made me tear up and just knowing he took the time to show some compassion and express this to me, I immediately felt at ease. He went through all my medical history and basically told me that based on what I told him that he would need to do some blood tests and an ultrasound to really ensure that I am fine and that I hopefully don't have polycystic kidney disease (PKD), which can be genetic and passed on. Now he did ensure me that maybe my birth mother was misdiagnosed and that there would be a chance I don't have any issues. Which I had thought about this possibility as well. He also told me that more than likely since I had recently been pregnant that there would have been a good chance if there was any issue with my kidneys that it would have been caught during that time. My hubs and I discussed this and thought that would be the case. The doctor said since I had ultrasounds during the pregnancy that a "good" technician would have seen something on my kidneys. I hope this is the case but I am not relying on that. I want confirmation that I am okay physically and that my kidneys are okay. The good news is that the doctor has already called with my blood tests results and told me that everything looks normal with them. Now I just wait for a second call about the results from the ultrasound. Luckily I was able to get all of this done yesterday which is highly unusual. but I had the time and they were able to fit me in. I am glad that happened. I just hope to hear good news and hopefully he tells me that as of right now I don't have PKG. Thinking good thoughts about this.

But now I digress because while I appreciated him commenting about my Leia it did leave me out of sorts for the rest of the day. Yes, I went to work and "got by". I am suddenly questioning my ability and why I took this job. I seem to lack the ability to multitask as well as I used to just a few years ago when I was working full-time. I find myself catching small mistakes and beating myself up. I think about Leia. How I should be home caring for and holding her. Not answering phones and fielding questions from clients. What does it all matter? And then I think of Leia again. I was asked some personal questions by someone I work with and then I think, will they ask if I have children? What will I say? Will I burst out crying and have to leave because I can't take it? So many things come to my mind. But then luckily this person gets distracted and suddenly they are on to something else. I am sighing and thinking to myself that maybe I can make it through. I end up leaving a half hour past my end time with still piles of things to be done. They can all be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me at that moment.

So I am home and then we are off to meet up with my sister-in-law. She has insisted on all three of us getting together since my birthday is this weekend. I don't really want to celebrate or acknowledge it in any way. I just want it over. I am turning 40. It sucks. I always say you only feel as old as you are. This year I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. She doesn't mention or talk about Leia. This upsets me. She doesn't ever acknowledge or bring her up. This makes me mad. I know it is just her way of coping but I wish she could bring Leia up.

This is not how I envisioned to be celebrating my birthday. I thought Leia would be here with us and we'd have our family complete. The three of us and it would be so special. I appreciate all my family and friends. I've got plans tonight with two close girlfriends who have really been here for me in recent months. One has a baby girl here with her. She is about 1 1/2 years old now. We had talked about our girls playing together and having fun growing up together. The other friend has had her struggles with trying to have a family and she gets me. Tomorrow I have plans with a close family member. We are getting pedicures and then hanging out. A mini-girls day and then my hubs has some plans. I so appreciate everyone reaching out and trying but I want it all over. I just want my Leia here. I am having triggers and they are making me cry. I have gone into her room and listened to the song that plays in the box where her ashes are placed. I look at everything still in the place it was over six months ago. All the carefully picked items placed around the room. I can't bare to think that they will never be used for Leia.

Hanging on by a thread and just wanting this weekend over. I also hope to hear good news from the doctor. Thinking of my Leia always and thinking how I can get through this day. Thank you to all my friends, my dear hubs and my family. You are all trying and I so appreciate it.

Love to my Leia Grace. XOXO


  1. I am so sorry you (we) have these ups and downs. Hoping you are able to find some peace and hopefully some fun in the days to come.

  2. I turned 30 in December (2 weeks before Adam passed), and I was so excited about it. We didn't have a big party or anything cuz I had just moved here away from family and friends, but I was actually feeling good about 30 and not dreading it at all. Turns out 30 has been the worst possible year of my life. My husband turns 30 in 2 weeks, and I'm having a hard time getting excited/doing something special for him.

    I too also dread personal questions from others, especially about kids. I tend to just shy away from mothers in social situations cuz I picture all these questions and having to explain Adam's death. It's very isolating.


  3. Ugh, so sorry you are having a tough time. I cannot imagine the work situation.... I would not be able to deal. So nice of your dr to recognize Leia. :) And I know what u mean about bdys. I prob won't ever really celebrate mine again. We buried hayes on my 32nd and my 33rd is in two months.

  4. I wish you hear good news from the doctor's. I get it when you say people are trying to reach you but how you just wish your sweet daughter were here.

    I turned 30 last June and thought it was the best year of my life as I was already expecting. At 30, I was going to have my beautiful baby. But I never expected 30 could go so...horribly wrong. Will be 31 next week :(

    Thinking of you..Hpe this weekend goes well for you.

  5. Birthdays this year just suck. I turned 30 just three weeks after Liam died and just 6 days before my birthday was his funeral. I wish we could just hit rewind and start over. I hope your sister-in-law brings up Leia. I wish the could just understand how important it is for them to bring our babies up. My sister just tells me to get out of it and I can't let it ruin my life-grrr!

    I am glad the blood results are normal and that the dr. brought up Leia. Hoping the ultrasound is normal also.

    Thinking of you this weekend and always...

  6. Oh Shelly, I just hate our situations so much! My birthday is on Tuesday and I am fully planning on ignoring it, this is not where I thought I would be and I just don't have the energy to celebrate. I will be thinking about you this weekend. Maybe your SIL just needs to hear you tell her that it's "ok" to talk about Leia because while it is hard to talk about her it is even harder NOT talking about her. Even if she doesn't get it, it may help her to hear it and if all else fails you will always have your on line blm's here for you whenever you need us :)
    PS I say I feel like I have aged 10 years through this whole baby loss journey and have heard quite a few moms say the same thing...there must be something to that (the 10 year factor). we needed one more thing to add to the lets be sad pile! Well since I know you won't be having the best birthday ever this year, my hope is that it sucks less than you think it least that's what I am hoping for me too :)

  7. Thanks everyone for your wonderful comments. The day is here and I am sitting and listening to Coldplay and thinking of my Leia. Love and hugs to you all and I hope you all have a good weekend.

  8. Happy birthday, even though it's not all that happy. I'm thinking of you, and sweet Leia.

    Oh how I wish this were all different.


  9. Thinking of you and your sweet Leia Grace. I remember birthdays being bittersweet after Meredith. If I can do something for you, please don't hesitate to email me. xoxo