This whole week has flown by. I can't believe it is another Friday. The past few days have been tough just because of several triggers and appointments. I am feeling the need to write things out and hopefully I will feel better.
I had a doctor appointment with a nephrologist yesterday. This doctor deals with kidney issues. Since learning my birth mothers medical history (polycystic kidneys) I felt the need to get in with this kind of doctor and get checked out. I waited two months to see the doctor that we were referred to by our doctor. I really liked him and felt like he really took time with me and to understand what I needed. He started first off right after walking into the exam room by saying he was sorry for my loss of Leia. He had taken the time to read my forms that I spent several hours completing for this appointment (that could be another whole post). It made me tear up and just knowing he took the time to show some compassion and express this to me, I immediately felt at ease. He went through all my medical history and basically told me that based on what I told him that he would need to do some blood tests and an ultrasound to really ensure that I am fine and that I hopefully don't have polycystic kidney disease (PKD), which can be genetic and passed on. Now he did ensure me that maybe my birth mother was misdiagnosed and that there would be a chance I don't have any issues. Which I had thought about this possibility as well. He also told me that more than likely since I had recently been pregnant that there would have been a good chance if there was any issue with my kidneys that it would have been caught during that time. My hubs and I discussed this and thought that would be the case. The doctor said since I had ultrasounds during the pregnancy that a "good" technician would have seen something on my kidneys. I hope this is the case but I am not relying on that. I want confirmation that I am okay physically and that my kidneys are okay. The good news is that the doctor has already called with my blood tests results and told me that everything looks normal with them. Now I just wait for a second call about the results from the ultrasound. Luckily I was able to get all of this done yesterday which is highly unusual. but I had the time and they were able to fit me in. I am glad that happened. I just hope to hear good news and hopefully he tells me that as of right now I don't have PKG. Thinking good thoughts about this.
But now I digress because while I appreciated him commenting about my Leia it did leave me out of sorts for the rest of the day. Yes, I went to work and "got by". I am suddenly questioning my ability and why I took this job. I seem to lack the ability to multitask as well as I used to just a few years ago when I was working full-time. I find myself catching small mistakes and beating myself up. I think about Leia. How I should be home caring for and holding her. Not answering phones and fielding questions from clients. What does it all matter? And then I think of Leia again. I was asked some personal questions by someone I work with and then I think, will they ask if I have children? What will I say? Will I burst out crying and have to leave because I can't take it? So many things come to my mind. But then luckily this person gets distracted and suddenly they are on to something else. I am sighing and thinking to myself that maybe I can make it through. I end up leaving a half hour past my end time with still piles of things to be done. They can all be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me at that moment.
So I am home and then we are off to meet up with my sister-in-law. She has insisted on all three of us getting together since my birthday is this weekend. I don't really want to celebrate or acknowledge it in any way. I just want it over. I am turning 40. It sucks. I always say you only feel as old as you are. This year I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. She doesn't mention or talk about Leia. This upsets me. She doesn't ever acknowledge or bring her up. This makes me mad. I know it is just her way of coping but I wish she could bring Leia up.
This is not how I envisioned to be celebrating my birthday. I thought Leia would be here with us and we'd have our family complete. The three of us and it would be so special. I appreciate all my family and friends. I've got plans tonight with two close girlfriends who have really been here for me in recent months. One has a baby girl here with her. She is about 1 1/2 years old now. We had talked about our girls playing together and having fun growing up together. The other friend has had her struggles with trying to have a family and she gets me. Tomorrow I have plans with a close family member. We are getting pedicures and then hanging out. A mini-girls day and then my hubs has some plans. I so appreciate everyone reaching out and trying but I want it all over. I just want my Leia here. I am having triggers and they are making me cry. I have gone into her room and listened to the song that plays in the box where her ashes are placed. I look at everything still in the place it was over six months ago. All the carefully picked items placed around the room. I can't bare to think that they will never be used for Leia.
Hanging on by a thread and just wanting this weekend over. I also hope to hear good news from the doctor. Thinking of my Leia always and thinking how I can get through this day. Thank you to all my friends, my dear hubs and my family. You are all trying and I so appreciate it.
Love to my Leia Grace. XOXO