Thursday, June 23, 2011

Cleaning Up and Organizing

For many years I've had friends, family and colleagues always tell me I've been a bit of a neat freak or as one person said, "anal retentive". This is referring to my need for everything to be organized, cleaned and orderly. This is just how I am and while I haven't been so much like this lately I am suddenly getting back to my obsession of organizing. I am not sure if this is a sign or just my way of a distraction. This morning was no exception as I went through my entire closet and got rid of three bags of clothes. One bag was for donation, one was going to a family member who always loves when I clean out my closets and the last was full of maternity clothes. I don't know why I haven't moved them before today. Most of them are fall or winter type and definitely won't be worn during the hot summer months we are now experiencing here in the south. I guess it was just time to move them to our third floor which serves as an attic now with one day hopes or plans to finish it off. I think one reason I had been hesitant to move them is because it meant taking them up to our attic where many of Leia's items have been placed for storage. Strollers, swings and many other baby items that were moved to our attic back in January. As I left the bag up there this morning I quickly looked at all the items and then before I knew it I was back in the bathroom off our bedroom, in tears. I just couldn't bear to think about everything up there and what it meant. They might never be used or they could be. We just don't know what our future holds. I think more and more about other options. I think about conceiving on our own and that scares me. I think about egg donation and how others I've met here through blogging have gone through many different procedures to get to where they are. I just don't know and the unknown is so hard. I WANT to control what happens but there is none of that in a pregnancy or with this part of life. So now I am looking at hangers on the internet as the obsession continues, I want all hangers that are the same to hang in my closet. Oh how I wish I wasn't looking at hangers and instead holding my baby girl and taking her for walks in her stroller. 

Love and missing you precious baby girl Leia. 


  1. Looking at the things you've amassed for your baby, knowing that baby will never use the things you purchased with them in mind... It sucks.

    The lack of control is difficult to grasp. I hate that ultimately there isn't a thing we can do to ensure live babies, at the end of all of this, despite all the best intentions.

  2. I didn't buy anything for my baby in advance because it's considered bad luck in the part of the world I come from. So I have these feelings when I go to a mall and see all the baby stuff.....I just look away.
    Maternity clothes....mine don't make sense to me. I was so happy & excited to wear them but now they are dumped somewhere in my closet and I hate looking at them.
    It all seems like a rude joke.
    I wish you will be able to decide on something and it works out well this time. Hugs.