Eleven Months

Today marks eleven months. Ugh. It seems so hard to think that this time next month will be one-year since we met and said good-bye to our Leia. I've been trying to think of what we may do or how we will honor her memory. I have a few things that I've been mulling around in my mind. My husband starts teaching on that day so I know he won't be able to take off work. I've contemplated taking off the day but now think it may be best if I do work. I need to talk this over with my husband and decide what we will do.

I've been thinking most of the day about what Leia would be doing if she were here. Next weekend marks the 1-year birthday of my neighbor's little boy that was born a month before her. This past week I've seen her several times walking him in his stroller or playing in their front yard that is across from our house. It is hard to see these moments because I get a flash of what our Leia should be experiencing. It is SO hard sometimes to see these moments and move forward in my own life. I still can't hold him or really talk to her when he is around. We went to dinner with this couple last weekend and another couple on our block. For the most part the conversations were kept to light stuff and not much mentioned about their kids. I know it must be hard for them to be around us and not talk about their kids but they are great and do the best they can. I guess that is all we can ask for.

As much as I didn't want to do the holidays this year I've struggled through getting up all our decorations and doing the best I can. If I had my way none of it would have been out this year and we could have just skipped it all. But I know that can't be done. We are having a small gathering of my husbands students over next weekend for a holiday party. We didn't have one last year because I was so far along and didn't want the extra work of having 30 people over to our house. So we will have the party and life will go on. I have not seen many of these students who work with my husband most of this year so I feel as it will be a little awkward in seeing them for the first time. One of his students and his partner have also invited us for a Christmas Eve gathering at their house but I told my husband I just can't do it. We had been to this couples house this time last year for another event and remember how many other people were their pregnant and giving us advice. I just can't put myself in that place and thankfully my husband understands.

Well I've been rambling on. My thoughts are everywhere and very scattered today. I guess that is expected. I wish our Leia was here with us and looking at our tree and experiencing all the joy that we would have given her in her life.

Love and miss you sweet baby girl.