31 Days of Paying It Forward

The last day of 2012, WOW! It some ways it has been a great year for my family, our son came into the world and changed our lives forever. To that I am so grateful for the positive outcome and having LB in our lives. With his arrival brought on some depression that I think I had been battling since losing our first born, Leia. The depression was not good and was affecting my everyday life. I am on meds now that make me stable and able to go on with my life. So for that and all that I battled with it, I am glad to see 2012 go. I don't want to think about the attempt I made taking my life or the two times I was hospitalized. I was away from LB and that hurt but I know that each time I had to be there to help myself. The second visit finally put my on the right track and made it possible for me to cope again. I also joined a group that helped me to understand that what I was going through was not my imagination and that I did have a problem that other women also go through. Suffering from post-partum depression (PPD) that most women don't talk about. I thank all the staff and nurses who helped me on each visit to the hospital. The nurses especially who are amazing women and what they do in helping women with PPD is awesome. I thank all my friends and family. The friends who brought meals, who came over and sat with me when I was probably thinking about something else. The family who visited when LB was born and supported me. My wonderful husband who stood by me and has made our bond much stronger. We look forward to 2013 and celebrating five years of marriage, though I think the last two years have been the toughest on us both. Anyone who helped me/us during 2012, if I haven't acknowledge it to you in person, I do it now. THANK YOU for helping me during a tough time in my life.

So to that I want to do some good in the new year of 2013. I am having 31 days of paying it forward or doing a good deed. I want to spread being nice and doing something just because or for no reason. I am going to try and post each day what I have done though don't hold me to it because remember I do have a baby who is 7 months old and does require a great deal of my time and attention.

To kick it off I started the last day of this year with giving. A friend who happens to be expecting and is due on 1/11/13 (how ironic, right?). Well I surprised her today with two bags of baby items and a box of newborn diapers. Some of the items were left over from when we were expecting Leia and some items were from Landon that could go either way for a baby. I know she appreciates and needed these items. It felt good to give to someone who I know won't say what she needs but that she appreciates what I have done.

Happy New Year and Happy 2013! What is your resolution for the new year? Feel free to give me a comment and you just might get something for that!

Hugs to all!!!

Christmas is Over...Yes!

Hi all. I've been slacking here and not keeping up with everyone. I am sorry. I really have tried to be the person who does it all and kept up, but some things slip.

So the Christmas holiday is over and just need to get on to NYE and New Year's Day. I was thinking today about 1/11/13. I can't believe it has been almost two years. I get sad thinking about it but also trying to do some good to remember Leia this year.

As mentioned earlier in recent posts we had family coming in for Christmas. It was the second time that my hubs mother has seen LB and first time for his Dad. It really made the holiday much more special celebrating with a little one. He had no idea what it was all about but he laughed and made us all happy. We took him to see Santa, we had him open some presents and toted him everywhere. Several meals out but he was always entertaining or amusing us all in one way or another. Love that boy and so happy he is here with us to make us all happy and feel like we have a life again.

My mother-in-law is lovely and spoils LB very much. She can be forward and has no filter. I attempted to give my sister-in-law some clothes that I know I would not be wearing and she told me if I would lose the weight that maybe I could wear them one day. Ugh. Like I really needed to hear that, right? Oh well. I didn't go into any details, but really? So I proceeded to order a calorie high meal just to spite her. I thought, well the New Year is coming but I might as well enjoy a burger and shake since we are out. Sure, I could stand to lose 20 pounds and I know this but I don't need to be reminded of it.

And while we are on the subject, she has some good intentions but telling me that LB needs a bath every day and that I need to reduce the formula intake when he eats solids. Yes, I know this but thanks for letting me know. I also heard about how my hubs was never as big as LB is and she hopes he can lose his weight when he starts walking. Let the baby enjoy life and don't worry about his weight!

All in all it was a good christmas holiday and hopefully we have many more to come in the years ahead.

One Last Post About This!

One last post about this....we have frozen embroyos at our fertility clinic that we are looking to donate to a family. If you know of someone looking for or wants to grow their family, please put them in touch with me as soon as possible. If we don't do something soon our fertility clinic is gonna be on my case. The embroyos could be sent to another clinic anywhere we request or in the United States. They have been in storage since May 2010. Thanks! They can reach me at msischo18 at yahoo.

Thanks,

Shell

Ho Ho Ho

Well we are in full swing of holiday season. Landon gets to see Santa this week and then my hubs parents fly in this Saturday which means a trip to the airport and probably lunch or dinner out with them.

So had another dispute/argument with family. I just don't get where this person gets their ideas or some of the things said. I have decided it is best if I keep this person out of my life for the time being. It hurts and especially with the holidays approaching it really breaks my heart to know that we are not talking. Life goes on and while I can forgive I am not sure I can forget the things said in recent weeks and months.

LB has been waking during the night for the past week so we decided to give him some cereal last night before his last bottle for bed. This worked great and he slept all the way through the night and almost nine hours. So we just got out his high chair that has been in a box on our third floor. It really was Leia's but of course will be used for LB. We had never got it out of the box when we were expecting Leia. I have diligently checked to make sure it has not been recalled or that anything is wrong with it since it is over two years old.

I am just about done with decorating, shopping is done. Just one or two more boxes need to be mailed out. I hope to get that done tomorrow. Some light baking and meal planning for Christmas Eve and we should be set.

Here are some pictures of what we have decorated so far. A happy holiday to you all and wishing that your time with your families is joyous and peaceful.

1 Year and 11 Months

One year and eleven months....the time is passing more quickly and even though our lives have changed dramatically, we never forget you, Leia Grace. Love you, Mommy

Recycling Day and Giveaway

So Tuesdays is garbage day here in our community. I hauled out every last piece of cardboard and recycling this morning. The garbage people are gonna love us today...NOT! So in honor of recycling I am giving away this item that I bought probably over 10 years ago and have never used. I have also put with it a cookie cutter honoring the holiday we are all about to celebrate (well most of us, not all, I respect whatever you celebrate!).

So for the giveaway...tell me the time you think our garbage is picked up. Even though I put it out already they won't get here till sometime this afternoon. The person with closest time gets the prize! Good luck and feel free to share my post, start following me and put this to your Facebook page.

I Think I Have Found Some of My Family!

This is a crazy post and a crazy story. Many of you know of my wish to meet or find my birth mother and family. This day has come and it was today! I am still in disbelief and trying to digest all that has happened. So here goes with "MY" story.

So most of you know that back in October I got a letter from the state of NY giving me all "non identifying" information on my birth mother. The letter gave me lots of information but no name. To top it off I have a friend from high school who works in the building where the letter came from. I recently made contact with her after not talking for over 20 years. She told me that she didn't even know where the files would be. I understood and in no way wanted to put her in a position where she'd lose her job. Several weeks later I realized that a family friend's husband was from the town that they thought I had come from. I called her up and she told me that her sister-in-law likes to help others trying to find family. So she was given information and had been doing some digging and questioning. She'd keep sending me information via Facebook and names that I should contact. So on a whim last night I decided to start doing some digging myself. So I "friended" a woman thought to possibly be my birth mother. The funny thing is that there were two profiles, so I friended both. I figured what did I have to lose? So she friended me and I began looking at her friends and family that she had posted. I friended people I thought that may be related to her. They friended me back and so it began. I then got a message back from one of her granddaughters. She explained that my now current last name was also in their family and she wanted to know how we were related. She apologized for being so forward but she wanted to know. I then responded back and told her I would be forward with her and that I was searching for my birth mother and her family. She then responded back that she would call me. Okay. And she did. We talked briefly and she told me that she would talk with her mother. She called me back and her mother confirmed that she wouldn't be surprised if her mother had me because there had been some things about her mother that she did not know. I told this woman that I in no way wanted to cause any problems nor wanted anything from their family, that I just wanted to know. She told me that she understood and that she would do some more searching and asking questions. So here I sit knowing that most certainly this may be my family that I found in just a couple of hours of Facebooking. Is this really possible? So to Mark Zuckerberg, I say THANK YOU for creating this wonderful social network and for probably helping me find my birth mother and her family. If this is my family, I have two half-sisters and two half-brothers. WOW! 

So what next? I have told the lady I spoke with today that there is DNA testing to confirm, etc. She said that her mother is willing to do this and this is something that my husband wanted me to do earlier this year. I did not. I guess everything happens for a reason and that my life could significantly change in coming months. I never thought I would see this day. I hope to remember it for the rest of my life!

So to everyone out there who has wondered about there birth mother or family,  I say never give up and always believe that dreams can come true.

Love to you all and will update more as things transpire. I hope to meet my birth mother in person if this is indeed the right person.

Six Month Picture

Southern Living

In Southern Living magazine, they interview some celebrity and ask the following questions.  Let's pretend I'm a celebrity and you're reading Southern Living. 

I will now tell you things about myself you never [knew you] wanted to know.

I NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT... my iPhone, my son and the diaper bag. I must confess I left the diaper bag at home the other day but it was okay.

THE MOST STYLE YOU CAN GET FOR UNDER $25... a scarf.  I love my scarfs too!

MY VANITY IS ALWAYS STOCKED WITH...lotions, especially anything that smells like almond. This includes for my nail stuff and hands. I especially like Laura Mercier hand lotion (I guess Jennifer Aniston uses it as well).

BEST SHOPPING ADVICE...  don't be scared to shop off-season.  I have also found amazon as of recent and it is great! You can find anything on there and it is so much cheaper than in the stores!

I ALWAYS SPLURGE ON... handbags and good quality shoes. I buy most of my clothes used or at consignment shops. They are awesome!

I ALWAYS SAVE ON...  t-shirts.  

EVERY WOMAN NEEDS...  jeans that flatter her butt and comfortable ballet flats or boots.

MY SECRET STYLE SOURCE... undergraduates at my hubs lab.  Mostly my husbands students dress pretty cool, but sometimes they wear really cute stuff or accessorize in a unique way that I find inspiring.

MY MUST-HAVE FOR WINTER... my brown boots and North Face black fleece.  So I can pretend I still live in upstate NY (NOT)!

You know you want to do this, too.  Let me know in the comments if you post your own Southern Living celebrity interview.

Can I Get a Break?

Well the past month has been very busy and eventful. Landon and I made our trip north and put on over 900 miles in 5 days. Our trip started at the airport with an 11am arrival and not getting to our destination till almost 10pm that night. I just gotta say that traveling with a little one is very nice because for the most part people are very understanding and helpful. We even got to fly first class which was very nice since I had never done that before. I know Landon is not going to remember that flight but I always will!

So on our trip we got to see many of my friends and family. I also got to see the rest home where my Dad/Mom have volunteered quite a bit and spent many years helping out at. It is the rest home that my uncle started and is now run by my cousin. He took me on a tour and everyone he introduced me to knew my folks. They had many good things to say and mostly they missed seeing them. I also got to see my folks briefly for about 3 hours. It was great to see them with Landon and it made my heart melt when my Dad and Mom both held him. I don't care that they have no memory of this day. I always will.

Of course no trip north would be complete without a speeding ticket. Yes, I got one while Landon was in the back. I am one of those mothers who likes to jam out to a song and then realizes that I am speeding and in this process a cop got me with his laser. He says I was going 79 in a 65. I plead guilty and paid the fine which was only $130.00. If I had gotten a ticket like that here in NC I would have paid more than $400.00. I know this since I worked for an attorney who handled these kind of tickets. The good thing is that it won't hit my insurance since I was out of state. I guess there is a silver lining somewhere in this story.

At the moment my hubs and I are at odds on financial matters. He wants to know every dime I am spending but if he goes and spends something that is a different matter. He picked up a restaurant bill for close to $130.00 this past Friday and he is mad because I bought shoes that were $95.00. All I can say is that my years of being single are catching up to me because I always bought what I wanted. I am not used to being under a microscope for what I spend. It is really bothering me. I call it retail therapy. If we are paying off our credit card bills each month then what does it matter? Ugh. So now I am sleeping on the couch. I'll make the guest bedroom up tomorrow and be in there tomorrow night if we are still at odds.

Well Happy Monday everyone! It is Cyber Monday...I think I'll do some internet shopping....oh wait, I gotta get it approved first. HAHA!

Here are some pics from the past month. Enjoy and hang in there. Much love, Shell

Six Months

Anybody Want Some Frozen Embroyos?

Hi All, life has been crazy. Landon (LB) and I went up north last week for a visit. We had quite the experience from losing our bottle ring at security, a crying session at the terminal (my worst nightmare) and a long flight delay. We started at the airport at 11am and arrived in Cleveland at 9:30pm. We were both tired and road wary after that day. We did have a few good days with friends and family and then had to turn around and come back. So two flights, 900 miles in a rental car and many friends and family seen we are now back home suffering from a nasty cold (that the hubs has gotten as of today). I did get a speeding ticket as well (first in 5 years and I did work for a traffic attorney for some of that time, ha!). If I recall correctly the last time I was in Ohio I got pulled over but was single and able to talk my way out of that ticket, not so much this time. It does not help having a babe in the back seat in a car seat. Oh and by the way just before my trip I got two pages of non-identifying information about my birth mother and yes, I have a half-sister that was 2 years old when I was adopted. The other major thing in life is my parents and my sister. We are all not getting along. My sister and I don't see eye to eye on what or how my parents should be spending their days. My sister and I are really not talking and if we do it is through emails. Can anything else be going on in my life? Oh yes, our frozen embryos. We finally have won the right or gotten approval from our fertility clinic to give our remaining 5 frozen embroyos away. We have asked or talked with three different couples and they have all declined due to different situations. All of the couples were very appreciative and thankful for us thinking of them. So does anybody out in blog land want some frozen embryos? We have 5 that have been frozen since May, 2010. We would of course want an attorney or lawyer involved to draw up how this would all be handled. We do not want contact or any part of the child's life. That is if everything should work out. We would just like to give the opportunity to another family that may be struggling to have or conceive a family. Let me know. Feel free to email me at msischo18 at yahoo. Full disclosure here in that the embroyos that are frozen have not been tested and also keep in mind that Leia, our first born daughter did have Down syndrome. Our fertility doctors said this should be told to anyone interested in our embryos. We did have Landon all on our own, so guess that is a good thing. So I close this post wishing you all a good Thanksgiving holiday. Be thankful for your family, hug and kiss them. Appreciate your family and all the friends in your life. Life is too short to be arguing with family. Love and hugs to you all. Below is a picture of Landon today while we were chilling out trying to feel better. Why do babies look like they are never suffering and always happy? It is because nothing has happened to them. They don't have life experiences. I only hope our LB will be happy forever. I never want him sad.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I will be lighting a candle in remembrance of Leia Grace Rogers born still on January 11, 2011. Also in remembrance of all other babies who left too soon, didn't make it or are now not with us. Love to my sweet Leia Grace and all my other friends out there who have had a loss. You know who you are and that I am thinking of you today and always.

Picture of the Day

I've gotten into taken pictures of our little man. I look at him and wonder what Leia would look like if she were here.

Happy Sunday!!!

Our Frozen Embryos

Since last May our fertility clinic that we went to for Leia has been hounding us about what we want to do with the five frozen embryos that we have storing with their office. I have to admit that I have put off dealing or even thinking about this issue.

The perplexing question that is still bothering me and making me sleepless at night and probably anxious is that we decided back in July that we would donate them to another family who was also probably struggling to conceive or grow their family. Since having gone through these issues myself I know first hand the emotional roller coaster one can go through in trying to build a family. When one cannot conceive you feel so helpless, worthless, etc. It is not an easy road to be on and I understand the heartache that others have been through. So when we decided to donate we got this HUGE packet in the mail from the fertility office. I neglected to open it or do anything with it. I just didn't want to deal with it. I felt like I had told them what we wanted to do so that would be the end of it. We would fill out some forms and be done with it. Our mantra now is one and done. (Though in my eyes we have two children but to most of the outside world we have one baby). Not the case. They were asking up for recent physicals and to go to a lab for some testing. What? Why? How? (Back in the summer I was in no state to think about driving an hour away where the office is much less going into another medical office). I mean what is the point of a physical now since the embryos were frozen two years ago? What is really the point now? After several emails and discussions over the phone they have agreed to pay for the labs they need however they are still asking for us to get recent physicals. So for now I sit and wait and continue to think about this issue. I feel in my opinion that these are OUR frozen embryos and that maybe, just maybe we should have some say or be able to decide what is done with them.

Anyone out there in blogging world been through this? I'd love some advice, opinions or views on this issue. In the end what I would REALLY like to do is hand pick five people that I would like the frozen embryos to go to and then be done. I am not sure any of them would take or work but it would be worth a try.

Thanks in advance for any input or comments. Have a good weekend everyone!!!

The Past Five Months

My apologies for failing to blog the last five months. It has not been an easy road but I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and really starting to enjoy life again, which was not the case for much of this past summer.

It all started the day we came home from the hospital with Landon. We should have been happy and ecstatic. I was not. I ended up in our bathroom crying my eyes out. All was well with our rainbow baby but I was not. I tried so hard to breastfeed that first week and by the second week it was still not going well and we started supplementing with formula. I was at a loss with myself. I felt that since I wasn’t able to breastfeed properly that I was losing my bond with Landon on top of trying to deal with my emotions of losing our first baby, Leia. I quickly realized that something was dramatically wrong with me and needed help. Our first call was to our OB/GYN who was happy to write me a prescription to help with sleep, but it didn’t work. I just wasn’t able to sleep. It was like I was constantly anxious and couldn’t turn myself off. I ended up checking myself into the ER at the end of May for intrusive thoughts and felt that I was a danger to myself. I was evaluated and admitted to a perinatal psychiatric unit that specializes in helping mothers with post-partum depression. Their conclusion was that I probably never dealt with Leia’s loss and then with having Landon that everything was maximized and was the reason for me feeling overwhelmed. I was put on Zoloft and Klonopon for sleep. At first when admitted to the unit I felt that it was not the place that I needed to be. I was there for a week and didn’t really participate in the activities or give it a chance. My hubs was great and brought Landon in to see me everyday when I was in the hospital. I felt upon going home that I could handle life and that all would be well. So I did the best I could during June, July and August. Both sides of our family came to visit and I muddled through the visits along with my sister and her husband being in a severe car accident but luckily they both were fine. In August my hubs went on a business trip for four days leaving me as the sole provider of Landon. I was scared to death when he left and sobbed when he left while Landon slept in my arms. By this time my provider and I had decided the Zoloft wasn’t appropriate and I was switched to Prozac and Ambian. I did well on this for a few weeks but the Ambian was having a bad effect because if I didn’t fall asleep within the first 20 minutes then I would be up all night. I had two nights where I was up on Ambian – and let me say, they were not good. I was hyper and feeling I could do anything but the next day my hubs would tell me that I said things that I couldn’t remember. It was like I was on a high for a little bit but crashing the next day. All the while feeding Landon, changing his diapers and basically holding him in my arms most days when he slept. Most days I didn't shower or do any kind of self care or even leave our house. My hubs was great this whole time because I basically did nothing except care for Landon. He was working full-time and I was caring for Landon along with doing everything at our house. It finally all came to a head just after Labor Day weekend. I thought that taking a whole bottle of Ambian just might help me. I had thought that my hubs and Landon would be better off without me. With this incident my provider told me that she wanted me to be admitted to the perinatal psychiatric unit again and that I would need to stay until they felt I was better. It really wasn’t a question because if I didn’t go she was going to pursue having me admitted against my will. So I went back again and really gave it my all. I also connected with two other women who were also having the same thoughts and dealing with post-partum depression. All three of us really connected and are staying in touch with all of us now out of the hospital. The good news is that I have finally found a medication that is working. I am on Cymbalta and another medication for sleep. I want to get out of bed every day now. I have also really started to enjoy my time with Landon and feel I have a strong bond with him. He had his 4-month appointment last week and he is 17lbs, 8 ounces and 26 inches long. He is thriving and my pediatrician says life agrees with Landon. If there is one thing I can say to any mother out there, GET HELP if you think you may have post-partum depression. It is not bad or doesn’t mean that you are not a good mother. It just means you need help and you can’t feel bad about seeking help. I am now happy. I attend a group with others that are dealing with the same thing and meet two times per month. I am also seeing two therapists twice a month. I know things can get better and they have. I am so glad that I got the help.

To end this post I will share with you a recent picture of my happy and healthy boy. He is precious and while I feel so blessed to have had him come into my life there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about Leia. I know that life can be good and that my hubs and I can have happiness again.

Landon Keith Has Arrived!

Landon Keith arrived into the world!

May 17, 2:52pm

8 pounds, 21 inches

Leia's Paver and Time Ticking

This past Friday was 16 months since we met our Leia and she left us.  I can't believe it has been that long. It is a different season and time of year but it all comes back. How we miss her so much and wish she were here with us each day. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We visited our local library to look at the paver that we made a donation to in her honor. They had just let us know that it had been completed recently. It turned out really nice and is located directly in front of the library in our town. I wish I had brought something to clean the stone off and get the sand/dust out of her name. I will be sure to do that the next time I visit or go to the library. We miss and love you sweet baby girl and not a day goes by that we don't think of you and how we wish you were here.

I am struggling, I have to admit. I am 39 weeks today and while our appointment this past Friday went well, I must admit it is so HARD to be at this point in my pregnancy. We are beyond the point of when we lost Leia so I am afraid, scared, and terrified of something happening again. I try to keep these thoughts at bay and keep busy. I do breakdown most days, have a good cry and let it all out. I don't want to be crying all the time and sad but it is all there. The memories, the outcome and wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. I so hope that things continue as they have. And thankfully our doctor is back tomorrow from a week off. I know if anything had happened this past week with him away I would have been in good hands with other doctors/staff but I am glad that we have made it to a new week with him back. We wait. My hubs is constantly asking me if I am having anything similar to labor. We read books, read information on-line and just wait. I am doing kick counts two to three times a day. I am also having vivid dreams that I wake up thinking about. I dream that our LO has arrived. I dream I am going into labor. I dream that I hear a baby making some noise. I wake up and check but nothing. So just wondering about others out there who have gone through a second pregnancy and made it through. How did you do it? Going into labor and going back to the same hospital? I'd appreciate any tips or ideas on what helped you get through this very emotional time.

37 Weeks

Thinking today of Becky and what she and her family are going through. I just can’t believe this has happened and sending love and light her way. http://fortheloveofbabyliam.blogspot.com/2012/04/evelynn-augusta-rasmussen.html

Today we are at 37 weeks or full-term as our doctor told us this past Friday. The past week was filled with three doctor appointments, the end of working (woo hoo!) and trying to get some things done with my parents who are moving-in with my sister permanently.

I’ll start with our appointments. We had an ultrasound on Monday that found our LO estimating to be approximately 6 pounds, 6 ounces. This was the best news to hear because I suspect this is the time in my pregnancy with Leia that things started to deteriorate and I had no clue. So to see significant weight gain in our LO was very good news to my ears. The doctor who looked over the results from our ultrasound looked to be about 12 years old when she entered the room but she did give us some good news telling us we had a score of 8 out of 8. All was well that day. Then this past Friday I went in for a routine non-stress test followed by a regular appointment with our specialist. Of course, the non-stress proved to be just the opposite of its name. The nurse said our NST looked good but that she would show it to the doctor. The doctor who read the NST results wanted me to have an ultrasound done to check the amniotic fluid. This had my hubs and I stressing out for a little bit. We quickly went from a routine NST appointment to thinking maybe this was it. Would we be admitted to the hospital? Would all be okay? I kept saying to the nurse that this was the reason for all these extra NST’s, etc., so if they found something going wrong it could be monitored. It could be helped. So for about ten minutes we thought it was going to be the day. Thankfully they found the amniotic fluid was okay. It really hit home with both of us that this is getting real and that any day now could be THE day.  So after we left the NST we went to see our specialist who also did a test to make sure my water had not broken and that I was not leaking amniotic fluid. All was well on that front, thankfully. He was very pleased with our ultrasound results and told us the next weight we would have of our LO would be on the scale. PLEASE let that be the case. Let us bring home a LIVING BABY that we can love in-person and not just in memory and from the one day we met Leia. I was pretty emotional at this appointment. Crying when the nurse brought us in to the exam room and her making a comment that brought back so many difficult memories from my pregnancy with Leia. I then cried when the doctor left because as I stated earlier, we are full-term and his instructions to us at this point were that if we suspected anything or had concerns that we need to go to L&D or if during business hours to page his nurse. It really is getting close. 

My hubs told me on Friday that it was really becoming real to him. He told me we needed to get out some of the baby books that we had gotten when we were expecting Leia. I have to admit I was kind of happy to hear him say this because it has been pretty real for me the past 37 weeks and I realize that our LO will be here soon. But I also realize that I have to remain calm and also realize that there are some things I will need to let go. I can’t be obsessing about what hasn’t been done but to also just learn to be happy and enjoy our LO once he/she is here. To soak it in and bond with our LO. Let everything else go! Easier said than done but I am going to try.

My last week of working was this past Friday. For the past three weeks I have been part-time and that has been nice. It is a good feeling to know that I won’t be going in daily and have the added responsibility of work. I will miss the two coworkers that I have come to know fondly and worked with in recent months. It is a small office and at the very end the attorney that I work for had his wife take us all out for a lunch and they surprised me with some baby gifts. It was really nice of them to do this for us and while I was okay that day it was pretty upsetting to me at the end of the day. I’ve had a couple other friends offer to do a baby shower and I’ve declined. I've told them they could wait till our LO was here. We’ve also discussed doing a sip and see type party that I have learned about from other BLM’s. I just don’t want to have events that we did the same way when expecting Leia. My hubs even wanted to do a getaway but since we did something like that when we were expecting with Leia I just didn’t want to do it. I told him I’d rather we do something later in the summer or fall when we can take LO with us and get away to the beach or mountains. It just all has to feel and be different this time, so that I can cope.

Update on my Dad who had a stroke a few weeks back. He is recovering well and with this happening both he and my mom have agreed to move in permanently with my sister. She has the perfect set-up for being able to have them live on the first floor of her home and she has offered to do this. I worry that it will be too much for her and her husband, but she is taking it on. This will probably be a transition to what eventually turns into assisted living or a nursing home setting for them down the road or in a few years. I do feel more at ease knowing they will be around others more often and not alone at their home. I am handing all their financial matters which I have found to be very time consuming but now with work done I can devote a little more time to getting things more organized. Once things are in place it will not be too much other than reviewing bills and paying them.  It is the one thing I can do and help my sister with since she will be caring full-time for them in her home.  It really is hard to see your parents getting older and becoming more dependent on others. They are stubborn and don’t want to be a burden to anyone but it has also come to a point where they need daily assistance and cannot do it on their own anymore. I love my family and would do anything in the world for them and I hope they know this.

Petition - Please Sign on Behalf of All Children With Down syndrome

http://www.change.org/petitions/mhsaa-allow-my-son-and-some-disabled-students-to-play-for-1-year-past-the-current-age-limit

35 Weeks and Worrisome Thoughts

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had a chance to post. I’ve reached 35 weeks as of today and at our last ultrasound our LO was measuring right in the correct percentile and weighed 4lbs, 13oz. We go back in one more week for another ultrasound. The kidney issue they were watching has also resolved itself, so that was good news to hear. I also continue to go for my weekly non-stress testing every Friday. I don’t know why they call it this because every Friday is apprehension and concern that all is on track and going okay. At the appointment this past week the nurse did some extra zinging of the baby that had me worried but then she told me that the maternal fetal medicine specialist looked over the test and all was fine. For the five minutes that I had to wait for this answer I was VERY worried. As I sit here typing our LO is being very active and kicking me very hard.

So along with approaching the time when we lost Leia I also got some upsetting news yesterday. My sister called me yesterday to let me know that my Dad suffered an apparent stroke on Friday night into Saturday morning. We are not sure when it exactly happened but luckily he was at my sister’s house so she took him to the ER yesterday morning. My Dad is 82 and mostly has been in perfect health most of his life other than a prostate cancer scare back in his 60’s and some normal aging and signs of forgetfulness. I knew the minute my sister called and by the tone in her voice that something bad had happened. I am just thankful that my Dad/Mom were staying with my sister at the time because if this had happened when they were home alone they probably would have waited several days before doing anything.  So I sit here waiting for more news and five states away. I have called his hospital this morning and spoke with the nurse who is tending to him. She told me that he was up and eating his breakfast and that he was doing okay. I will call him back in a little bit to talk with him. I am worried that I may not see him again or that something else may happen. I try to keep these thoughts to a minimum and not upset myself too much. I know at this point in my pregnancy that it is pretty much impossible and unlikely that I would be able to drive or fly to see him so I am just hoping that he recovers quickly and that I can see him after our LO gets here. Even if that means me driving up later this summer to see him I am already thinking of when I can make a trip to New York. Thoughts of my Dad are weighing heavily on me today. I just hope he is going to be okay.

Wednesday of this past week marked 15 months since Leia’s been gone. I’m not going to lie when I say it was particularly hard this month. I don’t know if it is because I am close to the pregnancy coming to term or if I am hormonal but I spent much of the day thinking much about Leia and how I wished she was here. I guess because last weekend was Easter it also had me thinking how she would be the perfect age for an Egg Hunt and just getting used to walking around. It would have been so fun to experience this with her here.  On this day as well we had a bird in our back yard that decided to start flying into the windows of our house. He/she would perch on the window screen and then hit their beak against the window. One bird did this most of the day and no matter what part of the house I was in he/she would go to the window where I was in the house. The final straw was when I went into Leia’s bedroom and the bird was at her window. I started having these thoughts that the bird was trying to tell me something. I then left our house that day around noon and went into work. I then began to have thoughts at work that maybe something was wrong with LO. I was feeling my belly and trying to feel for movements. I know this sounds weird but I was in a panic. I couldn’t wait to get home that night and do my kick counts that gave me some relief that everything was okay.

Well I have to end this post and make a few phone calls. Thinking of all the other mommies out there and that you are all doing okay and wishing you well.

32 Weeks and NST

Today marks 32 weeks into our pregnancy and Friday was our first NST (non-stress test) that I will have every week till the labor or our baby arrives. Non-stress cannot begin to explain the anxiety I had going into the test. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t be at this appointment so I had my niece who is just five years younger than me and more like my sister go in to the appointment with me. She really enjoyed going and since she has formerly worked in pediatric nursing she understands my anxiety and what we have been through. The test did go well and they put the monitor on my belly for 20 minutes. They monitor the heart and uterine contractions. There is a print out generating as they are doing this that they review at the end. They also took this “buzzer” and would put it on my belly and said they were looking for the baby to kick when they did this (which he/she did!). The lady doing the test asked me if this was my first and I just told her it was my second without getting into any details. I didn’t really want to bring it up and while I don’t think it is fair to Leia, I also didn’t want to get to a place that I was upset or crying. I don’t like that I did this but it is how I could get through the test. I thought to myself, “She really needs to look at my chart before she asks a question like that”. I mean seriously, don’t people who work in healthcare take a few minutes to look at a patients chart before asking certain questions? She is doing a non-stress test, she must have other BLM’s or situations like mine that are similar. Why else would I be going through this type of test? I am really starting to like the idea another BLM mentioned in a comment about how she gave cards to all of her doctor visits and asked they read them before the doctor sees her. I just may make up some of these cards and start using them.  So anyways, the test ended and we went back out to the waiting area and just a few minutes later she came out to say all of my testing done looked good and that I needed to schedule my next appointment in a week. I know I won’t be as anxious at the next one as I know what to expect now and what they do. I just want to do everything possible to track how our baby is doing these last 8 weeks. We also have another growth ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and I can’t wait to see what the results/measurements are at this point.

Another BLM was mentioning how a second pregnancy after a loss can bring up PTSD. I have to say that I really relate to this comment and have really felt this in recent weeks. I mean being pregnant and experiencing this life growing inside of you. There is a connection that you make to your baby and I love that, but I am also anxious about bringing home a LIVING baby. Nothing you do or say or how much you talk about it, the bottom line is that you SO want everything to go well and you are constantly having thoughts of what if’s and thinking of something going wrong again. I WANT to control this but in the end I have to put it in the hands of my medical providers and hope that all goes well and that if something is wrong that they will catch it or be able to do something proactive for my baby.

On another note, I wanted to share a picture of Leia’s garden that is now showing some lovely tulips that have appeared and sprouted in recent days. I was hoping to get out to her garden this weekend and do some weeding and sprucing it up but the weather is not cooperating. Tis is a quick picture I got last night at the end of the day. I love the colors and can’t wait to keep adding to the garden and make it as pretty as possible.

So I am thinking of all mommy's out there in blog world. Whether you are on the path to another baby, trying to conceive or dealing with a recent loss. I get what all of you are posting and saying and so thankful to have this community that I have found in the past year. I read daily posts and comments that help me get through a day or another week. My love and thoughts to all of you.

Some Emotional Days

Well here we are again and it is another 11^th of the month marking another month of our Leia not here with us, as she should be. We’ve had a sunny and wonderful day here. I should be happy and enjoying the weekend. But I am not. I am worried and emotional all in one. This pregnancy road after a loss is SO DANG hard. As of yesterday I am at 30 weeks and the ticker is counting down to 37-38 weeks (when we lost Leia). I have constant thoughts about something going wrong with this pregnancy. And then I also have dreams. One this last week was me delivering our baby and meeting a tiny little soul but then the doctor tells me that they need to put the baby back inside of me and let him or her grow more. That entire day after the dream I kept feeling for movements with our LO and looking for signs that all was okay. Then yesterday we ran into a lady in our neighborhood who I had watched her puppy around the holidays. She was asking me how I was feeling and commenting about not much longer. She then tells me that she has a neighbor who is also expecting and due in March and that she would like to get us together since we are both expecting.  She is saying all of this as my other neighbor who had her little boy a month before me is also standing there and all I can think to myself is please, no. I can’t go through meeting another pregnant woman and seeing her going on to have a healthy baby and then something happening.  It is all so wrong. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and be in a happy place but I just can’t get there. I know I need to. I want to. It is so hard coping and trying to get to a place of calmness. Our next doctor appointment is this Friday and it can’t come soon enough. I have a long list of questions and concerns for our provider. Surely he must understand the anxiety I am having. I can’t wait for this Friday. 

Ultrasound and Doctor Appointment

This past Friday we went in for our scheduled ultrasound to check for baby's growth and development. All is on track at this point. Baby is weighing 2 pounds, 12 ounces and measuring one day ahead. We were able to hear the heartbeat and it was measured at 155 bpm. There is an issue with one kidney but the specialist who reviewed our ultrasound and our doctor seem to think it will work itself out in the next few weeks. They will check again at our next ultrasound that we have scheduled in five weeks. We are not too worried about this and our doctor said it is common to see this with many babies and he is not worried. He explained to us what would happen it if doesn't go away which would mean some minor surgery after the baby is born. 

As in my last ultrasound I found it again very emotional. I was wiping away tears and trying not to think about the many ultrasounds I had in the same hospital with Leia. Fortunately, we had the same technician that we had seen back in October and she was very nice and seemed to understand our concerns. I have scheduled our next ultrasound at another location so hoping that goes better next month. We also had our monthly doctor appointment and he again checked everything out that had happened to me a few weeks ago and seemed to think it was probably just a one-time occurrence and that I just need to be a little more careful and make sure I stay hydrated. I felt so much more at ease after talking with him and he really seems to get where we are coming from and always seems to take so much time with us and so understanding. I also passed the gestational diabetes test and I am not anemic so no need for extra iron supplements at this point. Overall it was a good appointment and we will go back in another three weeks. He did go over kick counts and when he wants me to do them and his detailed instructions. I am really going to take this very seriously this pregnancy and track them diligently and have the sheet hanging on our fridge that the hospital gave us to update each day. I will do them each night about half an hour after our dinner. He explained what I would need to do if there is an issue or if I see decreased activity with the baby. I did kick counts with Leia but never wrote down or was consistent with the time of day that I did them. I think sometimes I failed Leia because if I had been more serious about the kick counts that they would have detected her decreased growth, etc. I will always wonder about this.

I put in below a picture of our little one and as you can see their hand is up and kind of waving. I like to think of him/her as waving at us. It really was nice to see and hear our baby last Friday. Just hoping all continues to go well with the pregnancy and that in about 12 weeks (give or take), we get to meet him/her in-person.

Happy Sunday everyone and hope your enjoying the weekend!

Third Trimester

Another trimester down and officially in our third trimester as of today! This past week went by fast and I only felt off one day and that was Wednesday. I came home and rested on our couch till my hubs got home from work. We ran errands yesterday together and today I am just taking it easy. It is a rainy and dreary day here and I am going to try finish reading a book that I started last October. I must get it read! We even have a wintery storm warning that starts this afternoon at 3pm. It is a good day to stay home and relax.

Tuesday was the big V-Day. We had planned to go out to dinner at a restaurant that we had got a gift certificate to back during the holidays. I wanted to cancel but my hubs insisted that we go. I went on one condition that he would leave work early and drive home to get me as I didn't want to make the drive to the place alone and drive home alone at night when dark. So he did and we went. We had a wonderful meal even though I was self-conscious about my one eye that had a blood vessel pop and show up on Sunday. It is all better now but it really looked bad for several days. We went to a french restaurant and the only other time we have frequented this place is when my father-in-law treated us to a dinner there several years back. It is such a cute little place and they were packed. I enjoyed artichoke cream soup and beef wellington in a puff pastry. My hubs had a lovely seafood dish and we ended the evening with a lavender creme brûlée and chocolate almond torte. It really was a nice evening out and really grateful that my husband coerced me into going. He reminded me that hopefully our future V-Day's will be filled with a little offspring that will be consuming our time and that we should take advantage of this time to go out and do things like this. I hope he is right. 

               Restaurant from outside, it is such a cute and romantic little place.

                                      Some lovely rose from my hubs.

Green tea that I got my hubs. I got him another kind but he has taken it to work already and loves it.

The best chocolate indulgence on earth, in my opinion. We found this at at xmas and has become a staple in our pantry though I do try to limit myself as much as possible. 

We have an ultrasound coming up this Friday and regular doctor appointment. At the ultrasound they will check for growth of our baby and hopefully be able to tell us that everything is on track. I have been feeling lots of movement and it really is a joy to know our baby is getting more active. I will start doing kick counts next weekend after I get some more information from my doctor. I’d like to know the best time to do them or what his suggestions are, as I really want to keep track of them this pregnancy and monitor them closely. Anything I can do to ensure bringing home our baby alive and well.

Next weekend we are invited to a friend’s for the birthday party of their 4-year old little boy. I wish we could go but we have decided it is just not going to happen. They are having a bouncy house and have asked guests to dress up for the party. For one, I am not big on dressing up for parties and secondly at this point of a pregnancy I just can’t be around little kids and all the fun going on. I wish I could, but just can’t. Also the lady who had a baby a month before our Leia was born will also be there and just can’t stand the thought of getting into a place or state of mind where I will be thinking about how she should be here too. I hope they understand and I know they will but it is still HARD. Their house is also right next to ours so we’ve already planned that I will go into work with my hubs and I’m going to hang out or do some shopping rather than stay home and hear all the activities going on. I know I wrote about this same subject last year and we didn’t go to the party then either. Someday I hope to be able to go to these kinds of things again. It’s funny how some things can be such a trigger.

I had a friend over the other night and she was telling me how I deserve to be excited for this pregnancy. It is easy for her to say this because she has never had a baby loss. She fortunately has two little boys and has had two perfect pregnancies that resulted in good outcomes. I know she meant well with what she was trying to convey but unless you have experienced the loss of your little one I just don’t think others get it. I didn’t say much to her about it other than I just wanted to make it to May and have everything be well. I try to shop and look for things and be excited, but it is hard. How can you prepare when you are not sure all will be okay? I am a planner and always have been. Maybe a month from now will be different but I get it when other BLM’s say they can’t do anything with the nursery or their baby’s room. I want to but I went in to Leia’s room Friday night and I just kept thinking about all the things she never got to use or wear.  It just isn’t fair.

So I end this post with thinking of the many other BLM’s on this same road. Some of you are close to your due date and I SO hope to be reading good news in coming weeks. Some of you are on bed rest and I wish you nothing but relaxing days to come and that you have a happy ending. Some of you are just a week ahead of me or on the same track and so hope we all continue on good paths and that our pregnancies end in good outcomes. Some of you are trying and going through fertility treatments. Have SO been there and understand your plight to get pregnant. I will be thinking of you all and hoping for good outcomes for everyone.  Hugs and good vibes to everyone!

Fainted and Trip to Labor/Delivery

Well yesterday was quite a traumatic and eventful day. The day had gone quick and was pretty busy up till I fainted/passed out in our home around 7:15pm. I woke up to my hubs above me looking at me and saying my name. It was like I had been in a deep sleep for hours. Just before I was lying on our couch when our dog asked to go outside and I asked my hubs to let him out and he told me he would do it in a few minutes since he was cleaning up from the mess in the kitchen I had made earlier. So the dog came to me a second time with this look that he couldn’t wait any longer so I got up and let him out our back door entrance that leads to a deck area. He always goes right off of the deck and is usually pretty quick to do his business and get back into the house. Just as I closed the door and felt the cold air on my face I started to feel light-headed and even said out loud that I felt like I was going to faint. I remember trying to make an attempt to get back to the couch I had been laying on because I thought if I was going to pass out that it would be the best place to do so. I didn’t make it. I fell back onto our hardwood floors resulting in a pretty sore spot on the top of my head and a bruised left elbow (I don’t know about anybody else out there that is preggers but I use that left elbow quite a bit to get up from bed and the couch).  So after coming to (was out for 2-3 minutes according to my hubs) I quickly started thinking about the baby and if everything was all right with him/her. My bottom pajamas were soaked and all I could think of immediately was that possibly my water had broken and that somehow the baby was injured or hurt during my fall and blackout. I was in a panic and quickly changed and was having my hubs drive us into Labor and Delivery at our hospital. I was not taking any chances and wanted to make sure everything was okay. It took us about 25-30 minutes to get to our hospital and upon getting checked in the nurse that saw me to my room quickly checked with a Doppler for the babe’s heartbeat and she got one very quickly. I was SO relieved at that point and happy to hear that sound! I didn’t care at that point if I was okay, I just wanted our baby to be okay and hearing the heartbeat was music to my ears. At that point they put a fetal monitor on my belly that could monitor the heartbeat and also looked for contractions. This was on me for about two hours while we waited for the OB doctor on-call that evening to perform an ultrasound.  During this time they also took some of my blood to test, performed an EKG and had me give a urine sample. Just before 11pm the OB on-call came who we had seen for a brief few moments earlier. It was not good. You see the OB on-call was the doctor we had with Leia and seeing him walk in to greet us and talk with us about what was going on was not so good for me. All I could think was I don’t want this doctor doing anything with this pregnancy. I just wanted to blurt out, “NO!” But I couldn’t or wouldn’t do that. I know they probably didn’t have another doctor on rotation that night but what were the odds that we would see him? It just was all TOO much having this doctor and was giving me flashbacks to the last time he had performed any kind of testing on me.  So he came back in to do an ultrasound and we were able to see our baby moving around and doing well. He checked the amniotic fluid to make sure it was at a good level and from everything he checked and measured it was good. He also checked my cervix to make sure that there were no contractions. So with the ultrasound testing done he left and then I was taken in for an MRI. Since I had fallen and hit my head they wanted to make sure that I wasn’t having anything internal going on and thankful they didn’t find anything other than seeing the external bruise on the top of my head. They are chalking it up to a vassal-vagel, low blood pressure or dehydration. We were back home by 1am and I was able to get some sleep part of the night but found it quite hard to lay just right without having some kind of pain. The doctor told me to take it easy the rest of this weekend and to check-in with our specialist first-thing on Monday who has been keep abreast of what happened and will be able to give me some more guidance or tell me if he wants me back in to see him before 2/24.  If there is anyone out there who has had something similar or experienced this kind of episode during a pregnancy, I would love to hear from you.

So with this event I have decided to really put myself first and scale back on several things. I am going to tell my work that I can only do part-time hours and really hold them to it. Just this past week the attorney had asked me to start working fewer hours and that sounded fine to me so I am really going to do this if not only for myself but for this baby and pregnancy. I am also going to do less around our house and just try to put the baby and myself first and think of that before trying to keep up with work, social commitments, etc. I will be 26 weeks tomorrow and just one-more week to getting to the third trimester. When we left our hospital last night the nurses told me they didn’t want to see me back till May. I just hope that is how it all works out for this pregnancy.

But back to the hospital part and our unexpected visit. I had been thinking through most of this pregnancy how I would handle being back on that floor again. I had mentally thought about how I had wanted to visit the floor one-day when I was in for a routine appointment. Obviously, I had not done this so being back there last night was my first time since last year. I am also thinking of how today is the 11th of the month and just 13 months ago how we were leaving that floor and hospital without our baby girl. While we were there I had some flashbacks and thought to how those three days there had gone. The actual delivery of Leia, all the nurses and doctors coming and going from the room, our extended family that had come by the hospital trying to give us comfort during those days. The card on the door discreetly signifying how you had lost a baby. It was all too much and I have been thinking about it most of today. How do I prepare for being back there in a few more months? If we had another option of delivering at another hospital we would jump at it but unfortunately our specialist only has privileges at this particular hospital and I really want him there for when I deliver with this pregnancy. It is all a little overwhelming and has given me a lot to think about today and going forward. I am just thankful and happy that all is okay for the moment. I hope I don’t have another episode like last night and that indeed our next time in the hospital is for the delivering of our baby.

Dear Leia,

I’ve been thinking so much of you today little girl. Our visit to the hospital made me think of last year and all that happened with you. We miss you every single day and will never forget you. I hope that one day we have a little brother or sister that we can tell them about you and how much we wanted and love you. You will always be our firstborn child and the missing part of our family. Love, Mommy