Some Emotional Days

Well here we are again and it is another 11^th of the month marking another month of our Leia not here with us, as she should be. We’ve had a sunny and wonderful day here. I should be happy and enjoying the weekend. But I am not. I am worried and emotional all in one. This pregnancy road after a loss is SO DANG hard. As of yesterday I am at 30 weeks and the ticker is counting down to 37-38 weeks (when we lost Leia). I have constant thoughts about something going wrong with this pregnancy. And then I also have dreams. One this last week was me delivering our baby and meeting a tiny little soul but then the doctor tells me that they need to put the baby back inside of me and let him or her grow more. That entire day after the dream I kept feeling for movements with our LO and looking for signs that all was okay. Then yesterday we ran into a lady in our neighborhood who I had watched her puppy around the holidays. She was asking me how I was feeling and commenting about not much longer. She then tells me that she has a neighbor who is also expecting and due in March and that she would like to get us together since we are both expecting.  She is saying all of this as my other neighbor who had her little boy a month before me is also standing there and all I can think to myself is please, no. I can’t go through meeting another pregnant woman and seeing her going on to have a healthy baby and then something happening.  It is all so wrong. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and be in a happy place but I just can’t get there. I know I need to. I want to. It is so hard coping and trying to get to a place of calmness. Our next doctor appointment is this Friday and it can’t come soon enough. I have a long list of questions and concerns for our provider. Surely he must understand the anxiety I am having. I can’t wait for this Friday.