My apologies for failing to blog the last five months. It has not been an easy road but I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and really starting to enjoy life again, which was not the case for much of this past summer.
It all started the day we came home from the hospital with Landon. We should have been happy and ecstatic. I was not. I ended up in our bathroom crying my eyes out. All was well with our rainbow baby but I was not. I tried so hard to breastfeed that first week and by the second week it was still not going well and we started supplementing with formula. I was at a loss with myself. I felt that since I wasn’t able to breastfeed properly that I was losing my bond with Landon on top of trying to deal with my emotions of losing our first baby, Leia. I quickly realized that something was dramatically wrong with me and needed help. Our first call was to our OB/GYN who was happy to write me a prescription to help with sleep, but it didn’t work. I just wasn’t able to sleep. It was like I was constantly anxious and couldn’t turn myself off. I ended up checking myself into the ER at the end of May for intrusive thoughts and felt that I was a danger to myself. I was evaluated and admitted to a perinatal psychiatric unit that specializes in helping mothers with post-partum depression. Their conclusion was that I probably never dealt with Leia’s loss and then with having Landon that everything was maximized and was the reason for me feeling overwhelmed. I was put on Zoloft and Klonopon for sleep. At first when admitted to the unit I felt that it was not the place that I needed to be. I was there for a week and didn’t really participate in the activities or give it a chance. My hubs was great and brought Landon in to see me everyday when I was in the hospital. I felt upon going home that I could handle life and that all would be well. So I did the best I could during June, July and August. Both sides of our family came to visit and I muddled through the visits along with my sister and her husband being in a severe car accident but luckily they both were fine. In August my hubs went on a business trip for four days leaving me as the sole provider of Landon. I was scared to death when he left and sobbed when he left while Landon slept in my arms. By this time my provider and I had decided the Zoloft wasn’t appropriate and I was switched to Prozac and Ambian. I did well on this for a few weeks but the Ambian was having a bad effect because if I didn’t fall asleep within the first 20 minutes then I would be up all night. I had two nights where I was up on Ambian – and let me say, they were not good. I was hyper and feeling I could do anything but the next day my hubs would tell me that I said things that I couldn’t remember. It was like I was on a high for a little bit but crashing the next day. All the while feeding Landon, changing his diapers and basically holding him in my arms most days when he slept. Most days I didn't shower or do any kind of self care or even leave our house. My hubs was great this whole time because I basically did nothing except care for Landon. He was working full-time and I was caring for Landon along with doing everything at our house. It finally all came to a head just after Labor Day weekend. I thought that taking a whole bottle of Ambian just might help me. I had thought that my hubs and Landon would be better off without me. With this incident my provider told me that she wanted me to be admitted to the perinatal psychiatric unit again and that I would need to stay until they felt I was better. It really wasn’t a question because if I didn’t go she was going to pursue having me admitted against my will. So I went back again and really gave it my all. I also connected with two other women who were also having the same thoughts and dealing with post-partum depression. All three of us really connected and are staying in touch with all of us now out of the hospital. The good news is that I have finally found a medication that is working. I am on Cymbalta and another medication for sleep. I want to get out of bed every day now. I have also really started to enjoy my time with Landon and feel I have a strong bond with him. He had his 4-month appointment last week and he is 17lbs, 8 ounces and 26 inches long. He is thriving and my pediatrician says life agrees with Landon. If there is one thing I can say to any mother out there, GET HELP if you think you may have post-partum depression. It is not bad or doesn’t mean that you are not a good mother. It just means you need help and you can’t feel bad about seeking help. I am now happy. I attend a group with others that are dealing with the same thing and meet two times per month. I am also seeing two therapists twice a month. I know things can get better and they have. I am so glad that I got the help.
To end this post I will share with you a recent picture of my happy and healthy boy. He is precious and while I feel so blessed to have had him come into my life there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about Leia. I know that life can be good and that my hubs and I can have happiness again.