Well it is official, I was offered employment today and accepted. I will start one week from this Monday. It is only part-time (m-f) but I think it will be good for me to get out on a daily basis and feel like I am contributing and doing something productive. We've been on the ttc/start a family trek for over three years now and during most of that time I have either been at home or working a job that was maybe one or two days a week. During the pregnancy I barely worked. I spent most days prepping the nursery, shopping for baby items or doing other tasks around our home. I was being so careful and trying to make everything right. Now I look back and wonder if I'd filled my time with other things maybe the outcome of the pregnancy would have been different. I know, I know I have to stop obsessing about it and that I did nothing wrong but deep down inside of my heart I think there will always be a part of me that wonders what I did wrong. It's not that I don't want to work full-time (I did it quite well for 15+ years) but it's just that I had really expected to be at home with Leia and taking care of her every need and want until she reached preschool or kindergarten. I guess in some weird way my thinking is that if I start making other plans then maybe the universe will work against me and make things work out. I know we are not anywhere near even thinking about our next step for a family but I just want to do something that will get me out of the house and away from everything that is supposed to be happening in our house. I am sure this makes no sense but for me it does.
As for my adoption and pending thoughts. I plan to call my parents and discuss with them the information I have learned. I want them to know and be aware of what I am doing. They have always been very open with me about my adoption and never kept it from me. I know they will understand and give me their support but I also feel I need to tell them before they hear about it from other family. I want to be open and honest with them about my adoption and wanting to know. I have nothing to hide from them and as Oprah always says on her show, "The truth will set you free". I can't believe her show is coming to an end next month.