I went today to the first meeting of a grief support group that has started in my town. It was for anyone who has suffered a loss. There were seven people at this meeting and all of their stories of loss were heartbreaking. Many had lost spouses and some quite recently. Some were experiencing the loss of an older child, parent, and grandparent. One attendee was able to share that her daughter had experienced the loss of a baby at 36 weeks due to a car accident and it was just the way it happened for this person and their family, I cannot imagine. One was struggling with not only a loss but recovering from a form of cancer. So much pain and loss. So little time. I think of our loss and what some of these other people have experienced and how they are coping. So devastating to hear.
The leader of the group brought up how sometimes loss can make you go back and look at other losses you've had in your life. This is true for me. I have been doing a lot of thinking about other members of my family both living and those not with us anymore. I think about what I would like to tell them and make sure they know how much I care and love them. I also think about the possibility of losing them. Ever since we lost Leia I have been afraid of losing others close to me. Tonight will be hard because my hubs has traveled about four hours away for work and won't be back home till late tomorrow night. I am waiting right now for a call from him to let me know that he has gotten safely to his destination. I worry so much now about something happening to him and what I would do without him. It is an awful thing to think about but this is how I live my life now. I wonder what is around the corner and how I will handle it. I have no optimism or hope. I no longer live looking forward to anything. I just take each day and see how I am feeling that day.
Lastly, and this is the hardest thing I've dealt with today. My beautiful Leia's ashes were delivered via certified mail from the crematory. She has ironically arrived home on a Tuesday (day of week she was delivered still) and on a day when my hubs will not be home. I have not opened the package. I cannot go there today. It is something I will wait to do with my hubs when he gets back home. At one time we thought we would take her ashes to the ocean but now I am thinking I would like to keep them with us and maybe in a special container designed for ashes. I need to talk it over with my hubs and see how he is feeling about this change of plans. I am glad Leia's ashes have arrived, I just wish it could have been on a day when her Daddy was here.
Love you always Leia Grace.