Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Three Months

Yesterday marked three months since Leia's birth/delivery and the pain and grief is still so strong. I didn't realize it was the 11th until I went to mail out a card to my niece and then it hit me. Why does grief just hit you? I fell apart at that point and just went into a mode of doing nothing and just laying around the house. Then this morning I really broke down crying and I went into Leia's room. I sat in the rocking chair that was my grandmother's and just looked around the room at everything we had prepared. Everything is still in the same place and not been moved. I am not sure when or if I will ever do anything more with that room. I just want it all kept the same for when we wanted to bring Leia home to it and have it be her room. I also looked at her pictures today. Her feet and hands, so precious. I should get everything into a box and in one place but again it is something I just can't do. My old self would have had that done weeks ago. I have feelings of guilt as well in that even though it has been three months it still feels like it all just happened yesterday and why didn't I spend more time with Leia? I just wanted away from the hospital and everything associated with what had happened to us. Why was I like that? I will never know. Maybe I was protecting myself. I don't know.

I learned last week that a dear friend miscarried. She was about 7-8 weeks along. I had so hoped that she and her husband would have success. I talked to her a few days ago and tried to console her with her loss. It is not easy. We talked about the fact that she had told so many people and she had regretted in doing that. I told her she did what she felt was right. It was the first time she was pregnant, she was excited and wanted to share. I can understand as that was the situation with our pregnancy. It was the first time we were pregnant and while we waited till after the first trimester to tell everyone we really thought that all would work out. But it didn't and this is my life. I have lost my dear baby Leia and I have to go on with my life. What that life is yet to be determined but I need to move on.

Love and missing you dear, sweet, beautiful and precious little girl.


  1. I still have Hayes' nursery set up and have no plans on taking anything down.

  2. We had friends empty out all the nursery and baby gear from our place while I was still in the hospital. Originally we planned to turn his room into a gym, but the treadmill wouldn't fit up the stairs. So his room sits empty.

  3. I'm glad you can go in to her room...it took me almost 6 months before I could go into Addie's room. I left pretty much everything as is. I just packed up the clothing and organized. To me it felt like I was giving up if I had taken everything down and removed it from the room. Hugs to you momma.

  4. I was just at 3 months last week and the pain and grief is still very strong at times for me.
    I had a lot of stuff for Liam's nursery but the only thing set up was the crib. I really wanted to finish the nursery for Liam-even though he would never get to use it-so my husband and I painted it and finished it. I still occasionally buy little things here and there for it and I go in it often still just to look at his stuff.
    Thinking of you

  5. I never got to make a nursery for Meredith. If I had, I know I would have wanted to sit in there and look at her things. I'm sorry your darling is gone - the anniversaries are especially hard. Grief is strange, though - it strikes you at different weird times. It can come from nowhere - sometimes with no rhyme or reason. Thinking about you - I mailed your tag today. xoxo