Yesterday was okay. I think since Leia would have been close to three months old it didn't affect me the way I thought it might. If she were here we would have dressed her up in a cute dress or outfit and maybe taken her somewhere to see some family, but really what is the point in thinking what might have been? At this point I just don't think about the future or make plans. I am just taking it day by day.
We did decide to go visit some gardens that are about a half hour from our house. They are pretty famous gardens and it was very busy to our surprise. It was the first time I had been to these gardens and they are so pretty. It felt good to be outside and close to nature. It helps me feel like I am closer to Leia. Whenever I would see a bird or other animal it would remind me of Leia. I took one picture where there were a flock of birds hanging out in the gardens and they looked like they were very happy. We then came back home and my hubs made us a great veggie lasagna dish and I made him his favorite dessert which is carrot cake. We had a quiet evening and then finished the day by doing some work out in our yard.
My other thoughts today are thinking about this time last year as we were just beginning our IVF process and everything that entails that journey. I think about the apprehension we both had but also hope. I also spent the morning outside and I kept looking at Leia's window and the pink curtains that I could see hanging from her window. I was laying pine straw so I had about four hours to think without other distractions. I had some tears and think I'll probably have more later today. It's just so hard to think about how our lives have continued on while I still feel like I could be back in January. I also saw some ladies from our neighborhood with their babies and strollers. I so wanted to be with them rather than doing the damn pine straw. It hurts. It stings. It's like you so want to be in that inner circle of motherhood like all the other mommies but my baby girl is not here. Life isn't fair sometimes. You have no control over the situation and can only do what feels right now, which is of course nothing.
Here are a few picture from our visit to the gardens. It really was a nice thing to do. Maybe it will be an annual tradition for us in the future.