Ladybugs

I spent quite a bit of time finding just the right colors schemes and decorations for Leia's room. I always thought ladybugs were cute so when I found a bed set with ladybugs in it I was hooked. Now whenever I come across a ladybug or something that has ladybugs in it I think of Leia. While I was outside doing yard work today I had a ladybug on my arm and thought of Leia. I was hosing off a decorative stone and noticed there was a ladybug painted on it. I had never noticed it before today but of course it made me think of Leia. I don't know what will become of all the items in her room. Will they ever be used? All of it is just there and the room is so still. Time keeps passing on but our love for Leia will never fade. We remember and love you Leia Grace and know we are always thinking of you.

Working Girl Again

Well it is official, I was offered employment today and accepted. I will start one week from this Monday. It is only part-time (m-f) but I think it will be good for me to get out on a daily basis and feel like I am contributing and doing something productive. We've been on the ttc/start a family trek for over three years now and during most of that time I have either been at home or working a job that was maybe one or two days a week. During the pregnancy I barely worked. I spent most days prepping the nursery, shopping for baby items or doing other tasks around our home. I was being so careful and trying to make everything right. Now I look back and wonder if I'd filled my time with other things maybe the outcome of the pregnancy would have been different. I know, I know I have to stop obsessing about it and that I did nothing wrong but deep down inside of my heart I think there will always be a part of me that wonders what I did wrong. It's not that I don't want to work full-time (I did it quite well for 15+ years) but it's just that I had really expected to be at home with Leia and taking care of her every need and want until she reached preschool or kindergarten. I guess in some weird way my thinking is that if I start making other plans then maybe the universe will work against me and make things work out. I know we are not anywhere near even thinking about our next step for a family but I just want to do something that will get me out of the house and away from everything that is supposed to be happening in our house. I am sure this makes no sense but for me it does.

As for my adoption and pending thoughts. I plan to call my parents and discuss with them the information I have learned. I want them to know and be aware of what I am doing. They have always been very open with me about my adoption and never kept it from me. I know they will understand and give me their support but I also feel I need to tell them before they hear about it from other family. I want to be open and honest with them about my adoption and wanting to know. I have nothing to hide from them and as Oprah always says on her show, "The truth will set you free". I can't believe her show is coming to an end next month.

Update on Adoption

So back in March I posted about being adopted. Since losing my Leia I have been struggling with other losses in my life. One huge loss or part of my life that I have always known about is my adoption. I have struggled most of my life with this situation and how it has affected me.

So this past week I learned some things that I thought I never would about my birth mother. You see back in late 2008 when my hubs and I had been experiencing no luck in conceiving I decided to try to register to get medical information about my birth mother. I sent a request to the state that I was adopted in and then about two months later they sent me a letter saying they would request further information from the agency that handled my adoption. That was in early 2009. I heard NOTHING. Since I did not hear anything I assumed there was no information available. Now over two years later I have received a letter from the state that I sent the original request to. I learned my birth mother was 28 years old when I was born. I learned about two different health issues that she had at the time of my birth. I learned that I have a sibling that was 2 1/2 years old when I was born. I learned that she started prenatal care for me when she was six months into the pregnancy. As you can imagine I was quite emotional learning all this information upon opening the letter. I HAVE A SIBLING, somewhere out in this world. I may have a brother/sister that I have never met. Some things I do not know are whether my birth mother gave me up at the time of my birth. I do know that I was in two foster homes before being placed with my adopted family. So as I understand I could have started having attachment issues at a very young age and now with losing my daughter it is even more emotional and traumatizing to me. The attachment or bond that I created with Leia during my pregnancy will always be with me. It's all so overwhelming. I feel like there is a reason I am learning this information now. It also makes me want to learn more or find my birth mother/sibling. I am not sure how or if I will ever be able to do that but I am sure going to try. I want to "close the loop" or at least know. I don't care if my birth mother/sibling want to meet me or not but I do want the chance to know if they are alive.

I know anyone that is adopted will understand this post. I love my family that adopted me and they will always be a part of my life. I just want to understand and have the chance to make sense of the beginning of my life. I also want to do this for my Leia. I can never have her back in real life however she is with me every day and I am always thinking of her. Love to my daughter Leia from your Momma.

Meaningful Quote

I keep a list of quotes that speak to me or mean something. I just was looking at the list and the following one stood out:

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

I think I came across this one shortly after we lost Leia. We really were planning a life up to that point. My hubs and I would talk about where we wanted to take Leia for vacations and what "life experiences" we wanted for her. It's hard to let go of that and to think about new beginnings. I am not sure what the future holds for us at this point. So many unanswered questions and unknowns. To think of moving on and trying to start anew is difficult. I hope one day we can look back and understand more of what happened or at least be at peace with what has happened to us.

Love you little Leia and hope you know how much we miss you every single day.

Our Getaway to the Gardens

Yesterday was okay. I think since Leia would have been close to three months old it didn't affect me the way I thought it might. If she were here we would have dressed her up in a cute dress or outfit and maybe taken her somewhere to see some family, but really what is the point in thinking what might have been? At this point I just don't think about the future or make plans. I am just taking it day by day.

We did decide to go visit some gardens that are about a half hour from our house. They are pretty famous gardens and it was very busy to our surprise. It was the first time I had been to these gardens and they are so pretty. It felt good to be outside and close to nature. It helps me feel like I am closer to Leia. Whenever I would see a bird or other animal it would remind me of Leia. I took one picture where there were a flock of birds hanging out in the gardens and they looked like they were very happy. We then came back home and my hubs made us a great veggie lasagna dish and I made him his favorite dessert which is carrot cake. We had a quiet evening and then finished the day by doing some work out in our yard.

My other thoughts today are thinking about this time last year as we were just beginning our IVF process and everything that entails that journey. I think about the apprehension we both had but also hope. I also spent the morning outside and I kept looking at Leia's window and the pink curtains that I could see hanging from her window. I was laying pine straw so I had about four hours to think without other distractions. I had some tears and think I'll probably have more later today. It's just so hard to think about how our lives have continued on while I still feel like I could be back in January. I also saw some ladies from our neighborhood with their babies and strollers. I so wanted to be with them rather than doing the damn pine straw. It hurts. It stings. It's like you so want to be in that inner circle of motherhood like all the other mommies but my baby girl is not here. Life isn't fair sometimes. You have no control over the situation and can only do what feels right now, which is of course nothing.

Here are a few picture from our visit to the gardens. It really was a nice thing to do. Maybe it will be an annual tradition for us in the future.

I love the reflection of the trees in the water.

These flowers are so pretty and especially like the big one in the middle of the picture.

We walked across the stepping stones in this picture.

Handprints

I've been looking at Leia's handprints the last few days and have realized that her fingers curve a little just like her Daddy. I don't know why I haven't noticed this before but it makes me happy to know that I can look at them and see her Daddy.

We will spend the day running errands and thinking of what could or should have been for tomorrow. There is a void or space that is empty. We tear up thinking about how Leia is not here. She is in our hearts, thoughts and thinking of her always.

Love you baby girl and miss you so much. Love, Mommy & Daddy

Beautiful Tags from Another BLM

Sarita over at her blog posted a few weeks back about tags and they arrived last week. They are so beautiful and mean so much to me. A big THANK YOU to Sarita for making and getting them to me.

http://ourperfectrose.blogspot.com/

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Thanks, Friends, Grateful, Therapy & Dreams

I would like to THANK everyone for your comments on my last post. I am very grateful and so appreciative that each of you took the time to share what you have done. The fact that you shared with me what you did or are planning to do means so much to me. It has given me much to think about and while we still haven't opened the package that was delivered Tuesday it is sitting here in our family room and we will open it when the time is right. I also want to get some kind of memory box or container to put all of Leia's items in and things that I've collected along the way. If anyone has suggestions or where they purchased one I'd love to know. I've poked around a bit on the internet but not decided on anything in particular. I am taking my time with what I do and get as I really want it to be something special for Leia.

Last night a good friend came over to help me get through the remainder of my day till my hubs arrived home. We had a good visit and were able to talk openly about both of our struggles with pregnancies and starting a family. I am glad I was able to see this friend as it had been some time since I had seen her. I am very GRATEFUL to this friend for our friendship and her continued support and the strength she has shown and given to me in the past several months. We've both had our struggles and it is good that we are able to talk so openly and freely about everything.

I had another appointment with my therapist yesterday. She told me their are no rules on the grief process and while I know this, it is good to hear this from another person. We also talked about other losses and she pointed out to me how I had experienced quite a bit of loss in my life. I had never really looked at it that way or how much until I really did think about family members that I've lost, my adoption and the unknown aspects of my birth mother, pet losses, a marriage and my most recent of losing Leia. It is all coming up and while at the time each of those events had happened and I thought I had dealt with them individually and at the time, I really think that I am remembering and dealing with all my losses now. I know losing Leia has been my greatest loss of all. She was my first child, my first pregnancy and then having the way it happened really brought some trauma and pain that cannot be explained. It is all so wrong and doesn't make sense. It hurts. It stings. It makes me sad.

On a positive note I did have a very nice dream about Leia. My hubs and I were at a gathering with some of his colleagues and I had brought out a picture of Leia to show everyone. In the picture I was holding Leia and she was smiling and her brown hair was very long. In the picture I had her looking over my shoulder and we were both turned to look at the camera. When I woke up from having this dream I was so happy and at peace with myself. It was like I was really holding her and connecting with her. It was beautiful. I hope I have many more dreams of Leia.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Love and always thinking of you Leia Grace

Support Group & Leia's Ashes

I went today to the first meeting of a grief support group that has started in my town. It was for anyone who has suffered a loss. There were seven people at this meeting and all of their stories of loss were heartbreaking. Many had lost spouses and some quite recently. Some were experiencing the loss of an older child, parent, and grandparent. One attendee was able to share that her daughter had experienced the loss of a baby at 36 weeks due to a car accident and it was just the way it happened for this person and their family, I cannot imagine. One was struggling with not only a loss but recovering from a form of cancer. So much pain and loss. So little time. I think of our loss and what some of these other people have experienced and how they are coping. So devastating to hear.

The leader of the group brought up how sometimes loss can make you go back and look at other losses you've had in your life. This is true for me. I have been doing a lot of thinking about other members of my family both living and those not with us anymore. I think about what I would like to tell them and make sure they know how much I care and love them. I also think about the possibility of losing them. Ever since we lost Leia I have been afraid of losing others close to me. Tonight will be hard because my hubs has traveled about four hours away for work and won't be back home till late tomorrow night. I am waiting right now for a call from him to let me know that he has gotten safely to his destination. I worry so much now about something happening to him and what I would do without him. It is an awful thing to think about but this is how I live my life now. I wonder what is around the corner and how I will handle it. I have no optimism or hope. I no longer live looking forward to anything. I just take each day and see how I am feeling that day.

Lastly, and this is the hardest thing I've dealt with today. My beautiful Leia's ashes were delivered via certified mail from the crematory. She has ironically arrived home on a Tuesday (day of week she was delivered still) and on a day when my hubs will not be home. I have not opened the package. I cannot go there today. It is something I will wait to do with my hubs when he gets back home. At one time we thought we would take her ashes to the ocean but now I am thinking I would like to keep them with us and maybe in a special container designed for ashes. I need to talk it over with my hubs and see how he is feeling about this change of plans. I am glad Leia's ashes have arrived, I just wish it could have been on a day when her Daddy was here.

Love you always Leia Grace.

What Else Can Happen?

So last Friday our little doggie got very sick and I ended up taking him to the vet. He has pancreatitis that we have been managing with prednisone. He has been on this medication close to two years and it has kept it under control. Until now. My vet told me to watch very close if he has any other bouts and to call her immediately if he is sick. She gave him two shots last Friday that got him better but then we followed up with more medicine at home. Basically it boils down to him being able to survive a bout and one of these times he is probably not going to. After getting off the phone with her I was in tears and telling myself that I must try to get myself in a place of realizing that he is not always going to be around. This is hard. You see I have had this little pup since he was 8 weeks old. When I brought him home he could fit in my hand. He is now close to 8 pounds and when he was healthy weighed 10 pounds. I just can't bear the thought of another loss at this point. Why? Why does this have to happen now? Can life get anymore bad? Just when I am down and at the lowest point I have ever been in my life and now I must think about not having my dog anymore. My hubs says he could be fine for many more months but I guess with everything that has happened I can't help but wonder when this may happen. I can't imagine not having him around our house. His barking to welcome us home, him following me around all the time (though he never went in Leia's nursery, I think it was his way of telling me that he knew our lives were changing). I don't know, I am probably overreacting about my call with the vet but I just can't think positive at this point with all that has happened to us in recent months.

And then later this morning after my call with the vet I made a quick trip to Target to see if I could find a specific dress that I had seen on-line, to wear to a job interview. After coming out of the dressing rooms I bumped into a friend, from high school. Even though we live several states from where we both grew up we live probably twenty miles apart now. She knew about Leia and so we hugged and we talked. She was very understanding and said all the right things but it was awkward. I didn't mind seeing her but I just felt so out of sorts and not prepared to see her. She meant well and wants to get together and I do appreciate everything she said but I don't know. It just wasn't how I had planned my day. I should be doing other things and that is what is upsetting the most.

I close with a picture of our doggie, Chug. He is a miniature version of an Australian Shepherd. He is our baby for now and I so hope we get a little more time with him. If he were to pass on maybe he would be playing with our Leia in a better place and making her happy. If that exists. I don't know anymore what to think about anything. I just don't understand why this is coming up now. Just a little more time is all I ask for. Thinking more today of Leia and wondering why she couldn't come and be with us. We so wanted her and miss her everyday. Love you Leia Grace and Chug too.

Hard Day

Today has been unusually hard. I am not sure why. The hubs and I went walking this morning and we were at the park area where I walked when I was preggers. All of a sudden a wave of feeling came over me as we walked a path that I had walked when Leia was inside of me and I just lost it. I had to stop and take a break and just cry it out. A flashback just took me back to when I was pregnant and walking in that area had me so overcome with sadness. This sadness has continued throughout the day. I managed to get to the grocery store and back home and just had another sobbing session. Could it be I am this emotional since it is my cycle? I don't know. I am just overcome with sadness and missing our Leia Grace in the worse way today. We LOVE YOU Leia Grace and think about you all the time.

Flavia Weedn Quote

A friend sent me this quote today:
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. ~Flavia Weedn

It is hard to think about beginning again when you are stuck in the past. Everything right now is reminding me of this time last year and how we were embarking on our first IVF journey. There is something about spring time and I remember thinking this time last year how everything seemed so hopeful and exciting. It is not that way anymore. I look out our windows and see everyone enjoying their lives and feel like I am stuck in a bubble looking in. I want to not be this way but it is so hard to begin anew or think about moving on when all I really want is for our Leia to be here with us and living with us. But that is not going to happen and I must start anew. I hope one day soon in the near future I am feeling more hopeful and optimistic about everything.

So for now, good-bye and we love you so much Leia Grace. Mommmy thinks about you all time time and hope you know how much we wanted and love you.

Outer Banks, NC

We went away last week to the Outer Banks. It was relaxing, cathartic and just plain nice for the both of us to get away from our normal routine. We took long walks on the beach, put our feet in the VERY cold water, drove many miles, took a ferry to another island, ate good food, drank some cocktails and enjoyed each other's company. The day of our departure to go home my hubs told me that he had brought some work but he never looked at it. I told him it was probably good for him. I think it was good for us both to just be away from it all and forget about everything. So to follow are a few pictures from the Outer Banks. I highly recommend it as a destination especially during off season.

A Poem for Fathers

I came across this on another blog that was for men experiencing baby loss and wanted to share. I think it is very nice.

~~ A poem for Fathers ~~

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

by Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Three Months

Yesterday marked three months since Leia's birth/delivery and the pain and grief is still so strong. I didn't realize it was the 11th until I went to mail out a card to my niece and then it hit me. Why does grief just hit you? I fell apart at that point and just went into a mode of doing nothing and just laying around the house. Then this morning I really broke down crying and I went into Leia's room. I sat in the rocking chair that was my grandmother's and just looked around the room at everything we had prepared. Everything is still in the same place and not been moved. I am not sure when or if I will ever do anything more with that room. I just want it all kept the same for when we wanted to bring Leia home to it and have it be her room. I also looked at her pictures today. Her feet and hands, so precious. I should get everything into a box and in one place but again it is something I just can't do. My old self would have had that done weeks ago. I have feelings of guilt as well in that even though it has been three months it still feels like it all just happened yesterday and why didn't I spend more time with Leia? I just wanted away from the hospital and everything associated with what had happened to us. Why was I like that? I will never know. Maybe I was protecting myself. I don't know.

I learned last week that a dear friend miscarried. She was about 7-8 weeks along. I had so hoped that she and her husband would have success. I talked to her a few days ago and tried to console her with her loss. It is not easy. We talked about the fact that she had told so many people and she had regretted in doing that. I told her she did what she felt was right. It was the first time she was pregnant, she was excited and wanted to share. I can understand as that was the situation with our pregnancy. It was the first time we were pregnant and while we waited till after the first trimester to tell everyone we really thought that all would work out. But it didn't and this is my life. I have lost my dear baby Leia and I have to go on with my life. What that life is yet to be determined but I need to move on.

Love and missing you dear, sweet, beautiful and precious little girl.

ABC's of Me

ABC's of Me

For a change of pace this morning, here's a very basic get-to-know-me-beyond-my-loss game brought to me by Molly (Thank you!). I hope to get up pictures tomorrow about our beach vacay last week. I am catching up today on household tasks.

A. Age: 39

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore you detest: bathrooms

D. Dog person or cat person: Dog

E. Essential start to your day: Some kind of food, cannot leave the house on an empty stomach

F. Favorite color: Blue

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5' 5"

I. Instruments you play(ed): Clarinet for about six months and my sister gave me piano lessons for probably about a year

J. Job title: CFO of our household

K. Kids: One daughter Leia

L. Live: North Carolina

M. Mom’s name: Eva

N. Nicknames: Shelly/Mich

O. Overnight hospital stays: Birth of Leia, E/R stay two years ago after an IUI procedure where I passed out and hit my head in our kitchen

P. Pet peeves: Living in the south for over five years now and any kind of appointment you make or have is 15 minutes after the scheduled time, I admit I am from the north and used to being on the go and having appointments on time.

Q. Quote from a movie: "You had me at hello", Renee Zellweger

R. Righty or lefty: Righty

S. Siblings: One older sister

T. Time you wake: Between 6:30-7:30am or if our dog is whining to go out

U. Underwear: Yes

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Mushrooms

W. What makes you run late: Hubs, though this is pretty rare (although it just happened yesterday)

X. X-rays you’ve had: A few here and there

Y. Yummy food you make: Anything baked with chocolate and Mexican Chicken Casserole

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Panda Bears

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we will go back home. Back to life and reality. Blah!

Leia's Name in Sand

Waiting to be Transformed

"We'd been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life." by Elizabeth McCracken from her book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination.

That is exactly how I am feeling this week with us being away. We had so many dreams and things we were going to do with Leia. I recommend this book to anyone who has suffered the loss of their only firstborn.

Love you Leia and thinking of you always.

Twelve Weeks

Twelve weeks today we met our beautiful daughter Leia Grace. I miss you soooooo much and wish you were here with us. No amount of time is ever going to make it better for me. I carried you for just over 37 weeks and think about all that time that you were with me and inside of me. I am sorry for failing you Leia Grace and I love you so much.

Hold On

I heard a song on our drive to the beach that really spoke to me. "Hold On", by artist Michael Buble. I found the lyrics and have read them through as well as listened to the song. I am a huge Michael Buble fan but had not heard this song till this past weekend. I especially like the part where he sings "There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart, But it's no one's fault". The ironic part of hearing this song is that I went to see him perform in concert last July when I was pregnant with Leia and don't recall him singing this song. Since everything has happened I have had a hard time listening to any music and especially his songs because they would remind me of a time when I was pregnant. Music has always been a big part of my life and I hope with hearing this song that I'll be able to listen to more one day soon in the future. For now, I will listen to this song and think of Leia.

Hold On, by Michael Buble
Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once
Babe, we were once

But luck will leave you cause
It is a faithless friend
And in the end when life has got you down
You've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around

So hold on to me tight
Hold on to me tonight
We are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
So hold on to me
Don't you ever let me go

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it's no one's fault
No it's not my fault

Maybe all the plans we made might not work out
But I have no doubt even though it's hard to see
I've got faith in us and I believe in you and me

So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright
Cause it's you and me together
And baby all we've got is time
So hold on to me, hold on to me tonight

There's so many dreams that we have given up
Take a look at all we've got
And with this kind of love
What we've got here is enough

So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it'll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Then we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me
Don't you ever let me go

Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright
Hold on to me tonight
They always say we were the lucky ones

Broken

Just came across a picture of myself right before the hubs and I were married three years ago this weekend. I look at the picture and think about all the hope we had for our future and the happiness on my face. Right now I am feeling broken, sad, anxious, scared, afraid, lost, fearful and loss. What happened to me? I feel as though I am slipping away from that person that I was. I know I've changed since January and losing our Leia Grace. I am at a very low point today. I've been looking at other pictures too of Leia and really feeling her presence but then also feeling her so gone.