One Year Ago

One year ago today we learned that we were having a girl. I had always felt up to that point that I was having a girl. I am not sure why or if it was my own intuition, but I just knew. We were so excited! I went out immediately after the ultrasound appointment and bought this cute outfit with the bib expressing our joy of having Leia.

We called all of our immediately family and were telling friends that knew of the pregnancy. We were making lists of names. I think it was around this time or shortly after that we had found the name Leia. We were so happy and optimistic. I was reading all the pregnancy books and enjoying my pregnancy. I would smile and think I was so lucky to be experiencing a pregnancy. Now it is all doom and gloom. I feel no hope. I wish I could but just not today. One year ago we were happy and excited about life and now today I am sitting here crying.

This time last week we were in my hometown. The morning was sunny and beautiful. I was able to see my one niece who I haven't seen in close to two years. She came running up to greet me. She is almost 9 years old and getting so grown up and beautiful. We had breakfast with my sisters and her extended family. We then went to my nephew's wedding later that day and saw a handful of many people that I haven't seen in many years. I know some may not have known what had happened but I knew it was suppose to be a happy day so I kept my thoughts and emotions to myself. As we all know when you go to weddings there are usually babies and kids. I watched as several pregnant women danced with their kids and younger children. I also watched two very little girls dance with each other. It hurt when my sister suggested getting a picture of our "whole" family together. I thought,  "No, there is one missing, my Leia". I was able to keep it together but at the end of the night I was upset and sad. I was able to say a few things to my husband and he tried to comfort me but I was still sad. It was not how I wanted our trip for this wedding to go. I had expected it to be so different. I think what also hurt is that none of my family or friends of my parents expressed or said anything to me about Leia. I know they didn't want to upset me but it would have really meant so much if they could have just said something to let me know that they cared or was thinking of Leia. Why does it take so much for people to show they care?

We then went on the next day to visit my hubs family that live almost two more hours away. We had a couple nice days of seeing his family and some new places that I had not been before. On our last evening their his Aunt had come over for dinner and when we were taking her home she did bring up Leia and say that she was very sorry for what had happened. It made me feel so good to know that she could say this to us. Somehow in the conversation she brought up about how she had almost lost her son in her first pregnancy. Fortunately for her, the pregnancy continued and her son lived. I thought to myself, how can a person with a son that is over 50 years old be okay? Why couldn't they save my Leia? We live in an age and time where healthcare is readily available and should be so advanced. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Some days I am perfectly fine but others I just want to run away from it all. Like today. We are having some remnants of Hurricane Irene so we've got rain and mild wind. I've been watching outside and seeing the butterfly by Leia's stones move around. I think about what I would be doing if she were here.

Coincidence

Just a small thought for today. I returned to work today after a week off and the first client that I took her information was named "Leisa". Take out the "s" and you have Leia. I felt like she was with me the moment I looked at the name for a second time. I have never seen this name spelled that way before. Sometimes I feel as if my every thought is with her in mind. She is always on my mind and I miss her so much. 

Really?

I've had a rough day. And to top it off we leave tomorrow night for our week long trip back home to our respective hometowns and to see our families. So not looking forward to any of it.

In my usually organizing and OCD manners I've been attempting to get things all set both at home and work. This just did not work today. I had three different clients that felt the need to either take their anger out on me or just vent. My old self would have taken to heart these matters and really cared. Not today. I just let them go. I thought to myself as the one ended his conversation abruptly, "I really don't care and I hope you feel better now". I just wonder sometimes why us human beings can sometimes be so nasty to one another. This person didn't need to take this tone or talk to me this way. I then thought maybe they have other things going on and I'd let it go. I was able to do that. I just don't care anymore. I mean I do, but not the way my former self would have. I am going to leave tomorrow night and forget about all of it. The work will be there when I get back as will the house and everything that needs to be done. I've got to let it go and relax a little.

My other apprehension about going home is seeing everyone that I have not seen since everything happened with Leia. What will they say? What won't they say? How will it be? So many things I am contemplating. My hubs and I were talking tonight about how we both were not looking forward to this trip. I told him I had such a different idea of how our trip would have been if Leia were here. It would have been the first time she would have met most of her family on my side. I had even gone so far as having a friend set to watch her during the wedding reception we are attending this weekend. Who knew it would be so different? We will go but I am just not sure how it will all be.

I am also upset as I just read another fellow BLM blog and she is not expecting after going through an IVF and donor procedure. I am so sorry that this did not work for her and feeling so down. I was so hoping she would have success. Why is it that some of us struggle so much for the one thing that seems so unattainable? I am thinking of Finding My New Normal and sending her good vibes.

Thinking of my Leia as we venture to our hometowns. Wishing she was here with us to see and meet all our families. You may be gone sweet baby girl but you are in my heart and I take you with me everywhere I go. The few pictures I have of you will be with me and those that want to see them will get to see them. I love you baby girl.

Seven

Seven months today that my Leia Grace was born still. I think sometimes that it can't be that long or other times it feels like it was just yesterday. To add to my huge amount of sadness today I had to drop my husband off at the airport at 7am this morning. I cried when I drove out of the airport. He has safely arrived and I can breathe a little better now knowing he is safe. Now for him to come home safely on Sunday. Sigh....this is my life and so sad.

I've posted a picture of my Treasure Bean. I've started carrying this with me in my purse. I feel as if a little piece of my baby girl is with me.

Insomnia Strikes Again This Week

Well is has happened again. I am having a bout of insomnia, second time this week. Ugh. I am not sure why or how but it has happened again this week. I am debating in my head whether it is just me "overthinking" or if this is the result of me taking Benedryl for close to two weeks and now I've stopped taking it. The Benedryl combined with Melatonin would knock me out. I had some great sleep those two weeks. I was taking Benedryl because I had some kind of skin outbreak and the bites/sores had me itching them so much it was the only relief I would seem to get. I almost broke down and went to a dermatologist for the rash/sores but they subsided and have gone away, so I didn't. I really should have gone  (I even had an appointment scheduled) but the copay for that type of doctor is considered a specialist and since our insurance sucks sucks, yes it really does I just couldn't justify paying the $60 copay. My other thought about my insomnia striking is that I have been taking Melatonin, which has in the past six months been very helpful in taking to help me fall asleep. I have had a few times where I've woke up and had a little trouble getting back to sleep. The last bottle of Melatonin we bought was 5mg and I've been taking 3mg before this. So is this the reason? I am not sure but I just hope that maybe in a little while I can get back to sleep though I am not counting on it.

One thing I was thinking about while attempting to fall back to sleep was about a phone call I had earlier on Wednesday with the hospital where Leia was born. They keep billing us each month. We've paid off our big bill that was due but this smaller bill they've set up a payment plan. The bill is just a little over 200 that is due. We could pay it off and be done with it but I guess at this point it is just principal. I get a little mad each month when I am paying it and today I felt the need to inquire about why the balance due figure doesn't go down since we've diligently been paying them for the past six-months. I was then informed that a procedure that we had done at this hospital almost TWO YEARS AGO has now been denied by our insurance and they have re-billed us for this. I think it was for our second IUI procedure that we had done in the fall of 2009. I became so upset and really voiced my rage about this to the customer representative on the other end. I mean, really? I just don't understand how they can randomly decide to go back and charge us for something that was paid by our insurance. I became so upset and so enraged with this hospital. Not only do you continue to take our money but you denied me seeing a maternal fetal specialist and now my Leia is not here. I was so mad. I just can't take it anymore. For over three years we have struggled with infertility. We have paid so much out as most of these treatments are not covered by our insurance. Not only must we deal with infertility and the pain of not being able to conceive but we must keep paying and for what? Somewhere, someone very important with our insurance company has decided that a woman who can't conceive must pay the cost. Only when you are "deemed" officially pregnant did our insurance start to cover our ultrasounds and appointments. I am just so upset that the insurance companies have done this to all of who are suffering with infertility. It makes me want to write my legislature and government representatives and tell them what we have been through. I know my current state had some new bills proposed for infertility treatments. So, enough about that. It just makes me so mad and frustrated. I don't want to let this get me upset but it does.

Earlier this week I took a call from a client. She was calling to inform us that her son had passed away back at the end of July. The minute she told me this I felt overcome and had goosebumps on my arms. I understood what she was feeling and could relate. I looked back at the clients file and noticed that I had called him several days after he had passed. It made me feel terrible. I have never met this person but I had talked to him on the phone a few weeks ago. Now his Mother was calling us and I could so relate. I knew what she was feeling and dealing with. Even though my Leia was only with me for a short 9-months I understood her pain and anguish. She was upset. I was upset. I had to go to the bathroom and compose myself after taking the call. I felt so bad. Everyone is dealing with something in their lives. Later that day I had to send a letter to the woman and I extended my condolences in the letter. I am not sure how the attorney I work for would feel about this being in the letter but I did want this woman to know. It was the least that could be done. I never met this woman or her son but I now get it. She was grieving losing her son and I too am grieving losing my daughter. It hurts so much sometimes. She is not here and never will be. I cry and think about my Leia all the time. I am approaching seven months of her being gone. It is all just so unfair.

Well I hope my ramblings and writing have helped to calm me down. I guess it is now time to check out the DVR and see what I might want to watch. I am feeling a little sleepy so maybe I will get lucky and fall back to sleep. Good-night BLM's and everyone else. Hugs to you all and thinking of each and every one of you out there and your babies that are not here with us.

Thinking of my Leia Grace. Love you sweet girl.