June and Fix You

Usually the month of June is spattered with many celebrations in my side of the family with three birthdays, father's day and my sister's wedding anniversary. One of those birthdays is mine which I really don't want to celebrate this year. I just want to skip it this year. There just seems to be no good reason to mark it this year. I don't want any fuss or hoopla. My friends and family have other ideas. I have two very good girlfriends who have already told me to save a date for a dinner with them. It is nice of them both to remember me. But let's be honest, I would give anything to have my Leia here with me rather than celebrating another year of my age. That's just how I feel.

I took a long one-hour walk this morning. I enjoy this time outside. On my walk today I saw lizards, squirrels, many many birds and then a spry little bunny just at the end of my journey. He/she darted in front of my path and went hopping off into the woods. This little bunny sat just at the edge of the wooded area and looked back at me as I passed by. I couldn't help but think of my Leia and how the little things in nature mean so much more to me now. I now take the time to enjoy and really take in the moment of seeing little creatures going about their day. On my walks I tend to listen to some music. Some songs I have to skip over quickly as they are too raw or too much to hear. Other songs I listen more to the words and think about their meaning. One song that came up this morning was "Fix You" by Coldplay. My hubs has gotten me into this band and their songs. There was one lyric of the song "And the tears coming streaming down your face" or something like that. This song has taken on a new meaning since listening to it lately. The next line is, "When you lose something you can't replace". This line gets me. So true. I sometimes feel that we wanted Leia here so much with us and it seemed like we were finally getting our "Happy Ending".  It just didn't happen that way. And that part is the hardest because sometimes you don't get what you want and bad things happen.

Another month here Leia and we are approaching five months of you being born and gone. Think of you all the time little girl and miss you so much. All my love to you.

Mark Nepo and the End of the Oprah Show

I have posted on here many times how I've watched Oprah and some of the things she has said have always spoken to me. I remember when her show was just getting started and I would watch it with my Mom when I came home from school. I also watched on/off during college and then for about fifteen years I never watched it faithfully as I was always working till five or later. In the past several years I have watched many of her shows (thanks to DVR). I will miss hearing her poignant and meaningful thoughts. I've wondered what I'll do now that I have an extra forty-five minutes each day since her show will no longer be on. I'll survive and catch her on some of her new things that she's doing over at OWN, when I have the time. I sent her an email thanking her and I've received two emails from her since Wednesday's last show. I am sure it is a mass email that she is sending out but it really does seem as she is actually doing the typing of these emails, I could be wrong. Her last email had an excerpt from Mark Nepo's Book of Awakening that she reads daily. I'd like to share this as it has really stuck with me since reading it. 

"BEING SAD"

"The idea here is not to divert the sadness, but to give it a context from life other than what is making you sad. Just as a ginger can lose its bitterness when baked in bread, sadness can be leavened by other life. When feeling the sharpness of being sad or hurt, it helps to take new things in. This pours the water of life on the fire of the heart. So when exhausted from expressing all that hurt, listen to music you've never heard of, or ask someone to tell you an old story from before your birth, or take a drive down a road near a ridge you've always meant to look out from. Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness. Your sadness is the paint. You must find a canvas."

I need to find my canvas. I hope to think and act on this soon. Another way to express my sadness. I need to get out of my comfort zone and do some new things. Hopefully doing this will inspire me and help me to move on from the sadness. Our losing Leia is never going to change but how I act going forward, I can control.


On another note next weekend is the Memorial Service at our hospital that they hold each year in June. We will put Leia's ashes in her urn that we have bought. I hope to get some other things to start a garden that will bring me memories and help me to honor our Leia Grace. For now, missing you dear little girl. We are thinking of you all the time and you are in our ever presence and heart. Love you always Leia Grace.

Legislative Advocacy for Families

A fellow blogger shared this important information yesterday on her site. There is a bill being proposed to help families undergoing fertility treatments to possibly receive future tax credits. Please visit this site: Family Bill and contact your local Senators so this bill may be passed. This is very important legislation and we have been through two IUI's, one IVF and maybe more in the future depending on what happens. If a bill like this is passed it would help with possible future treatments. Please spread the word about this to others!

Not Much Today

Drained, tired, lost, feeling like I am in a bubble and can't get out. I have nothing today but tomorrow is another day.