Sunday, March 25, 2012

32 Weeks and NST

Today marks 32 weeks into our pregnancy and Friday was our first NST (non-stress test) that I will have every week till the labor or our baby arrives. Non-stress cannot begin to explain the anxiety I had going into the test. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t be at this appointment so I had my niece who is just five years younger than me and more like my sister go in to the appointment with me. She really enjoyed going and since she has formerly worked in pediatric nursing she understands my anxiety and what we have been through. The test did go well and they put the monitor on my belly for 20 minutes. They monitor the heart and uterine contractions. There is a print out generating as they are doing this that they review at the end. They also took this “buzzer” and would put it on my belly and said they were looking for the baby to kick when they did this (which he/she did!). The lady doing the test asked me if this was my first and I just told her it was my second without getting into any details. I didn’t really want to bring it up and while I don’t think it is fair to Leia, I also didn’t want to get to a place that I was upset or crying. I don’t like that I did this but it is how I could get through the test. I thought to myself, “She really needs to look at my chart before she asks a question like that”. I mean seriously, don’t people who work in healthcare take a few minutes to look at a patients chart before asking certain questions? She is doing a non-stress test, she must have other BLM’s or situations like mine that are similar. Why else would I be going through this type of test? I am really starting to like the idea another BLM mentioned in a comment about how she gave cards to all of her doctor visits and asked they read them before the doctor sees her. I just may make up some of these cards and start using them.  So anyways, the test ended and we went back out to the waiting area and just a few minutes later she came out to say all of my testing done looked good and that I needed to schedule my next appointment in a week. I know I won’t be as anxious at the next one as I know what to expect now and what they do. I just want to do everything possible to track how our baby is doing these last 8 weeks. We also have another growth ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and I can’t wait to see what the results/measurements are at this point.

Another BLM was mentioning how a second pregnancy after a loss can bring up PTSD. I have to say that I really relate to this comment and have really felt this in recent weeks. I mean being pregnant and experiencing this life growing inside of you. There is a connection that you make to your baby and I love that, but I am also anxious about bringing home a LIVING baby. Nothing you do or say or how much you talk about it, the bottom line is that you SO want everything to go well and you are constantly having thoughts of what if’s and thinking of something going wrong again. I WANT to control this but in the end I have to put it in the hands of my medical providers and hope that all goes well and that if something is wrong that they will catch it or be able to do something proactive for my baby.

On another note, I wanted to share a picture of Leia’s garden that is now showing some lovely tulips that have appeared and sprouted in recent days. I was hoping to get out to her garden this weekend and do some weeding and sprucing it up but the weather is not cooperating. Tis is a quick picture I got last night at the end of the day. I love the colors and can’t wait to keep adding to the garden and make it as pretty as possible.

So I am thinking of all mommy's out there in blog world. Whether you are on the path to another baby, trying to conceive or dealing with a recent loss. I get what all of you are posting and saying and so thankful to have this community that I have found in the past year. I read daily posts and comments that help me get through a day or another week. My love and thoughts to all of you.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Some Emotional Days

Well here we are again and it is another 11th of the month marking another month of our Leia not here with us, as she should be. We’ve had a sunny and wonderful day here. I should be happy and enjoying the weekend. But I am not. I am worried and emotional all in one. This pregnancy road after a loss is SO DANG hard. As of yesterday I am at 30 weeks and the ticker is counting down to 37-38 weeks (when we lost Leia). I have constant thoughts about something going wrong with this pregnancy. And then I also have dreams. One this last week was me delivering our baby and meeting a tiny little soul but then the doctor tells me that they need to put the baby back inside of me and let him or her grow more. That entire day after the dream I kept feeling for movements with our LO and looking for signs that all was okay. Then yesterday we ran into a lady in our neighborhood who I had watched her puppy around the holidays. She was asking me how I was feeling and commenting about not much longer. She then tells me that she has a neighbor who is also expecting and due in March and that she would like to get us together since we are both expecting.  She is saying all of this as my other neighbor who had her little boy a month before me is also standing there and all I can think to myself is please, no. I can’t go through meeting another pregnant woman and seeing her going on to have a healthy baby and then something happening.  It is all so wrong. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and be in a happy place but I just can’t get there. I know I need to. I want to. It is so hard coping and trying to get to a place of calmness. Our next doctor appointment is this Friday and it can’t come soon enough. I have a long list of questions and concerns for our provider. Surely he must understand the anxiety I am having. I can’t wait for this Friday.