35 Weeks and Worrisome Thoughts

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had a chance to post. I’ve reached 35 weeks as of today and at our last ultrasound our LO was measuring right in the correct percentile and weighed 4lbs, 13oz. We go back in one more week for another ultrasound. The kidney issue they were watching has also resolved itself, so that was good news to hear. I also continue to go for my weekly non-stress testing every Friday. I don’t know why they call it this because every Friday is apprehension and concern that all is on track and going okay. At the appointment this past week the nurse did some extra zinging of the baby that had me worried but then she told me that the maternal fetal medicine specialist looked over the test and all was fine. For the five minutes that I had to wait for this answer I was VERY worried. As I sit here typing our LO is being very active and kicking me very hard.

So along with approaching the time when we lost Leia I also got some upsetting news yesterday. My sister called me yesterday to let me know that my Dad suffered an apparent stroke on Friday night into Saturday morning. We are not sure when it exactly happened but luckily he was at my sister’s house so she took him to the ER yesterday morning. My Dad is 82 and mostly has been in perfect health most of his life other than a prostate cancer scare back in his 60’s and some normal aging and signs of forgetfulness. I knew the minute my sister called and by the tone in her voice that something bad had happened. I am just thankful that my Dad/Mom were staying with my sister at the time because if this had happened when they were home alone they probably would have waited several days before doing anything.  So I sit here waiting for more news and five states away. I have called his hospital this morning and spoke with the nurse who is tending to him. She told me that he was up and eating his breakfast and that he was doing okay. I will call him back in a little bit to talk with him. I am worried that I may not see him again or that something else may happen. I try to keep these thoughts to a minimum and not upset myself too much. I know at this point in my pregnancy that it is pretty much impossible and unlikely that I would be able to drive or fly to see him so I am just hoping that he recovers quickly and that I can see him after our LO gets here. Even if that means me driving up later this summer to see him I am already thinking of when I can make a trip to New York. Thoughts of my Dad are weighing heavily on me today. I just hope he is going to be okay.

Wednesday of this past week marked 15 months since Leia’s been gone. I’m not going to lie when I say it was particularly hard this month. I don’t know if it is because I am close to the pregnancy coming to term or if I am hormonal but I spent much of the day thinking much about Leia and how I wished she was here. I guess because last weekend was Easter it also had me thinking how she would be the perfect age for an Egg Hunt and just getting used to walking around. It would have been so fun to experience this with her here.  On this day as well we had a bird in our back yard that decided to start flying into the windows of our house. He/she would perch on the window screen and then hit their beak against the window. One bird did this most of the day and no matter what part of the house I was in he/she would go to the window where I was in the house. The final straw was when I went into Leia’s bedroom and the bird was at her window. I started having these thoughts that the bird was trying to tell me something. I then left our house that day around noon and went into work. I then began to have thoughts at work that maybe something was wrong with LO. I was feeling my belly and trying to feel for movements. I know this sounds weird but I was in a panic. I couldn’t wait to get home that night and do my kick counts that gave me some relief that everything was okay.

Well I have to end this post and make a few phone calls. Thinking of all the other mommies out there and that you are all doing okay and wishing you well.

32 Weeks and NST

Today marks 32 weeks into our pregnancy and Friday was our first NST (non-stress test) that I will have every week till the labor or our baby arrives. Non-stress cannot begin to explain the anxiety I had going into the test. Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t be at this appointment so I had my niece who is just five years younger than me and more like my sister go in to the appointment with me. She really enjoyed going and since she has formerly worked in pediatric nursing she understands my anxiety and what we have been through. The test did go well and they put the monitor on my belly for 20 minutes. They monitor the heart and uterine contractions. There is a print out generating as they are doing this that they review at the end. They also took this “buzzer” and would put it on my belly and said they were looking for the baby to kick when they did this (which he/she did!). The lady doing the test asked me if this was my first and I just told her it was my second without getting into any details. I didn’t really want to bring it up and while I don’t think it is fair to Leia, I also didn’t want to get to a place that I was upset or crying. I don’t like that I did this but it is how I could get through the test. I thought to myself, “She really needs to look at my chart before she asks a question like that”. I mean seriously, don’t people who work in healthcare take a few minutes to look at a patients chart before asking certain questions? She is doing a non-stress test, she must have other BLM’s or situations like mine that are similar. Why else would I be going through this type of test? I am really starting to like the idea another BLM mentioned in a comment about how she gave cards to all of her doctor visits and asked they read them before the doctor sees her. I just may make up some of these cards and start using them.  So anyways, the test ended and we went back out to the waiting area and just a few minutes later she came out to say all of my testing done looked good and that I needed to schedule my next appointment in a week. I know I won’t be as anxious at the next one as I know what to expect now and what they do. I just want to do everything possible to track how our baby is doing these last 8 weeks. We also have another growth ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and I can’t wait to see what the results/measurements are at this point.

Another BLM was mentioning how a second pregnancy after a loss can bring up PTSD. I have to say that I really relate to this comment and have really felt this in recent weeks. I mean being pregnant and experiencing this life growing inside of you. There is a connection that you make to your baby and I love that, but I am also anxious about bringing home a LIVING baby. Nothing you do or say or how much you talk about it, the bottom line is that you SO want everything to go well and you are constantly having thoughts of what if’s and thinking of something going wrong again. I WANT to control this but in the end I have to put it in the hands of my medical providers and hope that all goes well and that if something is wrong that they will catch it or be able to do something proactive for my baby.

On another note, I wanted to share a picture of Leia’s garden that is now showing some lovely tulips that have appeared and sprouted in recent days. I was hoping to get out to her garden this weekend and do some weeding and sprucing it up but the weather is not cooperating. Tis is a quick picture I got last night at the end of the day. I love the colors and can’t wait to keep adding to the garden and make it as pretty as possible.

So I am thinking of all mommy's out there in blog world. Whether you are on the path to another baby, trying to conceive or dealing with a recent loss. I get what all of you are posting and saying and so thankful to have this community that I have found in the past year. I read daily posts and comments that help me get through a day or another week. My love and thoughts to all of you.

Some Emotional Days

Well here we are again and it is another 11^th of the month marking another month of our Leia not here with us, as she should be. We’ve had a sunny and wonderful day here. I should be happy and enjoying the weekend. But I am not. I am worried and emotional all in one. This pregnancy road after a loss is SO DANG hard. As of yesterday I am at 30 weeks and the ticker is counting down to 37-38 weeks (when we lost Leia). I have constant thoughts about something going wrong with this pregnancy. And then I also have dreams. One this last week was me delivering our baby and meeting a tiny little soul but then the doctor tells me that they need to put the baby back inside of me and let him or her grow more. That entire day after the dream I kept feeling for movements with our LO and looking for signs that all was okay. Then yesterday we ran into a lady in our neighborhood who I had watched her puppy around the holidays. She was asking me how I was feeling and commenting about not much longer. She then tells me that she has a neighbor who is also expecting and due in March and that she would like to get us together since we are both expecting.  She is saying all of this as my other neighbor who had her little boy a month before me is also standing there and all I can think to myself is please, no. I can’t go through meeting another pregnant woman and seeing her going on to have a healthy baby and then something happening.  It is all so wrong. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and be in a happy place but I just can’t get there. I know I need to. I want to. It is so hard coping and trying to get to a place of calmness. Our next doctor appointment is this Friday and it can’t come soon enough. I have a long list of questions and concerns for our provider. Surely he must understand the anxiety I am having. I can’t wait for this Friday. 

Ultrasound and Doctor Appointment

This past Friday we went in for our scheduled ultrasound to check for baby's growth and development. All is on track at this point. Baby is weighing 2 pounds, 12 ounces and measuring one day ahead. We were able to hear the heartbeat and it was measured at 155 bpm. There is an issue with one kidney but the specialist who reviewed our ultrasound and our doctor seem to think it will work itself out in the next few weeks. They will check again at our next ultrasound that we have scheduled in five weeks. We are not too worried about this and our doctor said it is common to see this with many babies and he is not worried. He explained to us what would happen it if doesn't go away which would mean some minor surgery after the baby is born. 

As in my last ultrasound I found it again very emotional. I was wiping away tears and trying not to think about the many ultrasounds I had in the same hospital with Leia. Fortunately, we had the same technician that we had seen back in October and she was very nice and seemed to understand our concerns. I have scheduled our next ultrasound at another location so hoping that goes better next month. We also had our monthly doctor appointment and he again checked everything out that had happened to me a few weeks ago and seemed to think it was probably just a one-time occurrence and that I just need to be a little more careful and make sure I stay hydrated. I felt so much more at ease after talking with him and he really seems to get where we are coming from and always seems to take so much time with us and so understanding. I also passed the gestational diabetes test and I am not anemic so no need for extra iron supplements at this point. Overall it was a good appointment and we will go back in another three weeks. He did go over kick counts and when he wants me to do them and his detailed instructions. I am really going to take this very seriously this pregnancy and track them diligently and have the sheet hanging on our fridge that the hospital gave us to update each day. I will do them each night about half an hour after our dinner. He explained what I would need to do if there is an issue or if I see decreased activity with the baby. I did kick counts with Leia but never wrote down or was consistent with the time of day that I did them. I think sometimes I failed Leia because if I had been more serious about the kick counts that they would have detected her decreased growth, etc. I will always wonder about this.

I put in below a picture of our little one and as you can see their hand is up and kind of waving. I like to think of him/her as waving at us. It really was nice to see and hear our baby last Friday. Just hoping all continues to go well with the pregnancy and that in about 12 weeks (give or take), we get to meet him/her in-person.

Happy Sunday everyone and hope your enjoying the weekend!