For many years I've had friends, family and colleagues always tell me I've been a bit of a neat freak or as one person said, "anal retentive". This is referring to my need for everything to be organized, cleaned and orderly. This is just how I am and while I haven't been so much like this lately I am suddenly getting back to my obsession of organizing. I am not sure if this is a sign or just my way of a distraction. This morning was no exception as I went through my entire closet and got rid of three bags of clothes. One bag was for donation, one was going to a family member who always loves when I clean out my closets and the last was full of maternity clothes. I don't know why I haven't moved them before today. Most of them are fall or winter type and definitely won't be worn during the hot summer months we are now experiencing here in the south. I guess it was just time to move them to our third floor which serves as an attic now with one day hopes or plans to finish it off. I think one reason I had been hesitant to move them is because it meant taking them up to our attic where many of Leia's items have been placed for storage. Strollers, swings and many other baby items that were moved to our attic back in January. As I left the bag up there this morning I quickly looked at all the items and then before I knew it I was back in the bathroom off our bedroom, in tears. I just couldn't bear to think about everything up there and what it meant. They might never be used or they could be. We just don't know what our future holds. I think more and more about other options. I think about conceiving on our own and that scares me. I think about egg donation and how others I've met here through blogging have gone through many different procedures to get to where they are. I just don't know and the unknown is so hard. I WANT to control what happens but there is none of that in a pregnancy or with this part of life. So now I am looking at hangers on the internet as the obsession continues, I want all hangers that are the same to hang in my closet. Oh how I wish I wasn't looking at hangers and instead holding my baby girl and taking her for walks in her stroller.
Love and missing you precious baby girl Leia.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Can't Sleep
I am up after about three hours of sleep. I was faithful in taking my melatonin and vitamin B supplements to help with sleeping but somehow they did have their effect tonight. I've had lots on my mind with things that have happened in the past few days and also thinking about things coming up.
So I got the results from my nephrologist and as of right now I have no cysts on my kidneys that can be seen by an ultrasound. This should be good news, right? He also told me that they saw a cyst on one of my ovaries and suggested that I see my gynecologist about this cyst. This has me wondering if the cyst is just my mild case of endometriosis or is it something more. I was hoping that maybe this would have miraculously gone away with everything that happened during my pregnancy with Leia however I think this is not the case. So I think about this cyst. Don't even mention that I have no desire to see any doctor about this much less my last gynecologist. Ick. I just want it to all go away but I know that won't happen.
Saturday came and went. The birthday is over. The other thing I received that day other than turning a year older was my cycle which was a week and one day late. What can be worse than turning 40 you ask? Well getting your cycle that day was my answer. I was secretly hoping that maybe for once something was going right and that we had conceived on our own with no assistance. So not the case and so disappointing. But then there is also part of me that was thinking, if I was pregnant would I be able to handle it? Would it be fair to Leia? Would the pregnancy stick? So many things to think about and acknowledge but now all those thoughts are gone with my cycle coming.
On Sunday I wanted to do something special for my hubs. He has been so great the past few months. I worry about him and how he is handing the loss of our Leia. He will show his emotion to me once in awhile but for the most part he seems to keep or hold it in. His latest obsession and way of dealing seems to be working out in our home gym. I think about how much I have tried to get us both into working out since we've been together. I could care less about it at the moment however with him it is about the only thing outside of work that he does daily. I am happy that he has taken on the working out but I wonder sometimes if is just his way of coping. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I just wonder if it is enough but I guess I am not in a state of mind to decide this. So anyways getting back to Sunday and it being Father's Day I decided to get him a key chain with "love you forever" on the tag. I also picked out a card and gave it to him. I know we did not talk about what we would do but I just wanted to show him that he is still a father and that he is remembered by me as being just that. I know he would have been great with Leia and taking care of her every want or need. I see how he is with my two nieces and he really goes out of his way to get to know them or do things with them. I know he would do anything to have our Leia back and the time with her. We have both waited so long in our lives to have or start a family. We are both so ready for a new or different part of life. I am not sure if we will ever get to that. It really hurts to put that into words.
This weekend I have made plans to spend the day with my youngest niece. She has just turned seven years old. In the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time with my youngest niece. She would come over when her parents were working or just to visit. I haven't spent as much time with her in past months. This is mainly because she is in school now and because I have found it hard to think about what I will say or do when she asks about Leia. I was thinking about that tonight as I laid in bed and it made me start crying. I know she was so excited at Christmas about her "cousin". We had talked about what we were going to name her and if she came early. We all joked about her coming on the day of another family members birthday. Leia came one week before that and not the way we wanted. It hurts and it brings back all those thoughts of January. I can't believe it will be six months soon. It seems as if it was just yesterday that we lost our Leia.
I've been planning our upcoming trip to see our families in August. In two months we will be at our hometowns and seeing all of our family. On my side of the family there is a wedding taking place. It is so not how I had planned or thought the event would be. I thought we'd have our new little girl with us at the wedding and she would be meeting all of our families and friends. I don't even want to go now but we must. It is my sister's son getting married and it would not be right if we did not go. I know deep down I couldn't do that to him or his fiancée. They have waited several years to tie the knot and I want to be there to support and give them our love. In some way I know that going back to where I grew up is going to be so HARD. You have all these hopes and dreams and just going back to the place where you had your entire childhood and teenage years, I know is going to be difficult for me.
Well I think my hour of typing has possibly made me a little sleepy. I don't usually get this lucky. Maybe getting everything out through typing and thinking has helped. I hope everyone out there in blog world is having a better night of sleeping than I am.
So I got the results from my nephrologist and as of right now I have no cysts on my kidneys that can be seen by an ultrasound. This should be good news, right? He also told me that they saw a cyst on one of my ovaries and suggested that I see my gynecologist about this cyst. This has me wondering if the cyst is just my mild case of endometriosis or is it something more. I was hoping that maybe this would have miraculously gone away with everything that happened during my pregnancy with Leia however I think this is not the case. So I think about this cyst. Don't even mention that I have no desire to see any doctor about this much less my last gynecologist. Ick. I just want it to all go away but I know that won't happen.
Saturday came and went. The birthday is over. The other thing I received that day other than turning a year older was my cycle which was a week and one day late. What can be worse than turning 40 you ask? Well getting your cycle that day was my answer. I was secretly hoping that maybe for once something was going right and that we had conceived on our own with no assistance. So not the case and so disappointing. But then there is also part of me that was thinking, if I was pregnant would I be able to handle it? Would it be fair to Leia? Would the pregnancy stick? So many things to think about and acknowledge but now all those thoughts are gone with my cycle coming.
On Sunday I wanted to do something special for my hubs. He has been so great the past few months. I worry about him and how he is handing the loss of our Leia. He will show his emotion to me once in awhile but for the most part he seems to keep or hold it in. His latest obsession and way of dealing seems to be working out in our home gym. I think about how much I have tried to get us both into working out since we've been together. I could care less about it at the moment however with him it is about the only thing outside of work that he does daily. I am happy that he has taken on the working out but I wonder sometimes if is just his way of coping. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I just wonder if it is enough but I guess I am not in a state of mind to decide this. So anyways getting back to Sunday and it being Father's Day I decided to get him a key chain with "love you forever" on the tag. I also picked out a card and gave it to him. I know we did not talk about what we would do but I just wanted to show him that he is still a father and that he is remembered by me as being just that. I know he would have been great with Leia and taking care of her every want or need. I see how he is with my two nieces and he really goes out of his way to get to know them or do things with them. I know he would do anything to have our Leia back and the time with her. We have both waited so long in our lives to have or start a family. We are both so ready for a new or different part of life. I am not sure if we will ever get to that. It really hurts to put that into words.
This weekend I have made plans to spend the day with my youngest niece. She has just turned seven years old. In the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time with my youngest niece. She would come over when her parents were working or just to visit. I haven't spent as much time with her in past months. This is mainly because she is in school now and because I have found it hard to think about what I will say or do when she asks about Leia. I was thinking about that tonight as I laid in bed and it made me start crying. I know she was so excited at Christmas about her "cousin". We had talked about what we were going to name her and if she came early. We all joked about her coming on the day of another family members birthday. Leia came one week before that and not the way we wanted. It hurts and it brings back all those thoughts of January. I can't believe it will be six months soon. It seems as if it was just yesterday that we lost our Leia.
I've been planning our upcoming trip to see our families in August. In two months we will be at our hometowns and seeing all of our family. On my side of the family there is a wedding taking place. It is so not how I had planned or thought the event would be. I thought we'd have our new little girl with us at the wedding and she would be meeting all of our families and friends. I don't even want to go now but we must. It is my sister's son getting married and it would not be right if we did not go. I know deep down I couldn't do that to him or his fiancée. They have waited several years to tie the knot and I want to be there to support and give them our love. In some way I know that going back to where I grew up is going to be so HARD. You have all these hopes and dreams and just going back to the place where you had your entire childhood and teenage years, I know is going to be difficult for me.
Well I think my hour of typing has possibly made me a little sleepy. I don't usually get this lucky. Maybe getting everything out through typing and thinking has helped. I hope everyone out there in blog world is having a better night of sleeping than I am.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Past Several Days
This whole week has flown by. I can't believe it is another Friday. The past few days have been tough just because of several triggers and appointments. I am feeling the need to write things out and hopefully I will feel better.
I had a doctor appointment with a nephrologist yesterday. This doctor deals with kidney issues. Since learning my birth mothers medical history (polycystic kidneys) I felt the need to get in with this kind of doctor and get checked out. I waited two months to see the doctor that we were referred to by our doctor. I really liked him and felt like he really took time with me and to understand what I needed. He started first off right after walking into the exam room by saying he was sorry for my loss of Leia. He had taken the time to read my forms that I spent several hours completing for this appointment (that could be another whole post). It made me tear up and just knowing he took the time to show some compassion and express this to me, I immediately felt at ease. He went through all my medical history and basically told me that based on what I told him that he would need to do some blood tests and an ultrasound to really ensure that I am fine and that I hopefully don't have polycystic kidney disease (PKD), which can be genetic and passed on. Now he did ensure me that maybe my birth mother was misdiagnosed and that there would be a chance I don't have any issues. Which I had thought about this possibility as well. He also told me that more than likely since I had recently been pregnant that there would have been a good chance if there was any issue with my kidneys that it would have been caught during that time. My hubs and I discussed this and thought that would be the case. The doctor said since I had ultrasounds during the pregnancy that a "good" technician would have seen something on my kidneys. I hope this is the case but I am not relying on that. I want confirmation that I am okay physically and that my kidneys are okay. The good news is that the doctor has already called with my blood tests results and told me that everything looks normal with them. Now I just wait for a second call about the results from the ultrasound. Luckily I was able to get all of this done yesterday which is highly unusual. but I had the time and they were able to fit me in. I am glad that happened. I just hope to hear good news and hopefully he tells me that as of right now I don't have PKG. Thinking good thoughts about this.
But now I digress because while I appreciated him commenting about my Leia it did leave me out of sorts for the rest of the day. Yes, I went to work and "got by". I am suddenly questioning my ability and why I took this job. I seem to lack the ability to multitask as well as I used to just a few years ago when I was working full-time. I find myself catching small mistakes and beating myself up. I think about Leia. How I should be home caring for and holding her. Not answering phones and fielding questions from clients. What does it all matter? And then I think of Leia again. I was asked some personal questions by someone I work with and then I think, will they ask if I have children? What will I say? Will I burst out crying and have to leave because I can't take it? So many things come to my mind. But then luckily this person gets distracted and suddenly they are on to something else. I am sighing and thinking to myself that maybe I can make it through. I end up leaving a half hour past my end time with still piles of things to be done. They can all be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me at that moment.
So I am home and then we are off to meet up with my sister-in-law. She has insisted on all three of us getting together since my birthday is this weekend. I don't really want to celebrate or acknowledge it in any way. I just want it over. I am turning 40. It sucks. I always say you only feel as old as you are. This year I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. She doesn't mention or talk about Leia. This upsets me. She doesn't ever acknowledge or bring her up. This makes me mad. I know it is just her way of coping but I wish she could bring Leia up.
This is not how I envisioned to be celebrating my birthday. I thought Leia would be here with us and we'd have our family complete. The three of us and it would be so special. I appreciate all my family and friends. I've got plans tonight with two close girlfriends who have really been here for me in recent months. One has a baby girl here with her. She is about 1 1/2 years old now. We had talked about our girls playing together and having fun growing up together. The other friend has had her struggles with trying to have a family and she gets me. Tomorrow I have plans with a close family member. We are getting pedicures and then hanging out. A mini-girls day and then my hubs has some plans. I so appreciate everyone reaching out and trying but I want it all over. I just want my Leia here. I am having triggers and they are making me cry. I have gone into her room and listened to the song that plays in the box where her ashes are placed. I look at everything still in the place it was over six months ago. All the carefully picked items placed around the room. I can't bare to think that they will never be used for Leia.
Hanging on by a thread and just wanting this weekend over. I also hope to hear good news from the doctor. Thinking of my Leia always and thinking how I can get through this day. Thank you to all my friends, my dear hubs and my family. You are all trying and I so appreciate it.
Love to my Leia Grace. XOXO
I had a doctor appointment with a nephrologist yesterday. This doctor deals with kidney issues. Since learning my birth mothers medical history (polycystic kidneys) I felt the need to get in with this kind of doctor and get checked out. I waited two months to see the doctor that we were referred to by our doctor. I really liked him and felt like he really took time with me and to understand what I needed. He started first off right after walking into the exam room by saying he was sorry for my loss of Leia. He had taken the time to read my forms that I spent several hours completing for this appointment (that could be another whole post). It made me tear up and just knowing he took the time to show some compassion and express this to me, I immediately felt at ease. He went through all my medical history and basically told me that based on what I told him that he would need to do some blood tests and an ultrasound to really ensure that I am fine and that I hopefully don't have polycystic kidney disease (PKD), which can be genetic and passed on. Now he did ensure me that maybe my birth mother was misdiagnosed and that there would be a chance I don't have any issues. Which I had thought about this possibility as well. He also told me that more than likely since I had recently been pregnant that there would have been a good chance if there was any issue with my kidneys that it would have been caught during that time. My hubs and I discussed this and thought that would be the case. The doctor said since I had ultrasounds during the pregnancy that a "good" technician would have seen something on my kidneys. I hope this is the case but I am not relying on that. I want confirmation that I am okay physically and that my kidneys are okay. The good news is that the doctor has already called with my blood tests results and told me that everything looks normal with them. Now I just wait for a second call about the results from the ultrasound. Luckily I was able to get all of this done yesterday which is highly unusual. but I had the time and they were able to fit me in. I am glad that happened. I just hope to hear good news and hopefully he tells me that as of right now I don't have PKG. Thinking good thoughts about this.
But now I digress because while I appreciated him commenting about my Leia it did leave me out of sorts for the rest of the day. Yes, I went to work and "got by". I am suddenly questioning my ability and why I took this job. I seem to lack the ability to multitask as well as I used to just a few years ago when I was working full-time. I find myself catching small mistakes and beating myself up. I think about Leia. How I should be home caring for and holding her. Not answering phones and fielding questions from clients. What does it all matter? And then I think of Leia again. I was asked some personal questions by someone I work with and then I think, will they ask if I have children? What will I say? Will I burst out crying and have to leave because I can't take it? So many things come to my mind. But then luckily this person gets distracted and suddenly they are on to something else. I am sighing and thinking to myself that maybe I can make it through. I end up leaving a half hour past my end time with still piles of things to be done. They can all be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me at that moment.
So I am home and then we are off to meet up with my sister-in-law. She has insisted on all three of us getting together since my birthday is this weekend. I don't really want to celebrate or acknowledge it in any way. I just want it over. I am turning 40. It sucks. I always say you only feel as old as you are. This year I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. She doesn't mention or talk about Leia. This upsets me. She doesn't ever acknowledge or bring her up. This makes me mad. I know it is just her way of coping but I wish she could bring Leia up.
This is not how I envisioned to be celebrating my birthday. I thought Leia would be here with us and we'd have our family complete. The three of us and it would be so special. I appreciate all my family and friends. I've got plans tonight with two close girlfriends who have really been here for me in recent months. One has a baby girl here with her. She is about 1 1/2 years old now. We had talked about our girls playing together and having fun growing up together. The other friend has had her struggles with trying to have a family and she gets me. Tomorrow I have plans with a close family member. We are getting pedicures and then hanging out. A mini-girls day and then my hubs has some plans. I so appreciate everyone reaching out and trying but I want it all over. I just want my Leia here. I am having triggers and they are making me cry. I have gone into her room and listened to the song that plays in the box where her ashes are placed. I look at everything still in the place it was over six months ago. All the carefully picked items placed around the room. I can't bare to think that they will never be used for Leia.
Hanging on by a thread and just wanting this weekend over. I also hope to hear good news from the doctor. Thinking of my Leia always and thinking how I can get through this day. Thank you to all my friends, my dear hubs and my family. You are all trying and I so appreciate it.
Love to my Leia Grace. XOXO
Monday, June 13, 2011
My Necklace with Leia's Name
Yesterday I wore this necklace and while I was buying some peaches yesterday the woman selling them to me commented to me how much she liked my necklace and asked me where I had gotten it. This simple kind comment to me brought the biggest smile to my face and made me think of my Leia. I was so happy for her kind words and that she took the time to tell me. I wear this necklace most weekends and particularly on Tuesdays. It helps me get through the days.
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