Five Months Today

Today is FIVE months. Five months ago we said hello and good-bye to our sweet Leia Grace. I have been sobbing, crying, thinking of what should have been and our reality. This is not how we had planned it. Our lives are forever changed and we have a new and different way of life. I take more time now to enjoy little things and worry less about things I used to. I had plans today to get outside and work on a little garden area in honor of my Leia Grace. I just haven't had the energy to get to it as of yet. Hopefully, I will be able to get to it later today.

Thinking of other BLM's who are also at this same mark today. Particularly LauraJane and Kelly. I am thinking of you both and sending love and hugs your way.

Dear Leia Grace, I miss you more every day. You are in my heart and I think of you constantly. I wish I could go back to the nine months that I had with you during the pregnancy. I love you so much baby girl. Love, Your Mommy

Poem by Colleen Hitchcock

ASCENSION

And if I go,

while you’re still here…

Know that I live on,

vibrating to a different measure

–behind a thin veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,

so you must have faith.

I wait for the time when we can soar together again,

–both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to its fullest.

And when you need me,

Just whisper my name in your heart,

…I will be there.

“Ascension”   ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock, Minneapolis, MN

We Remember Them

Yesterday the hospital where Leia Grace was born held their annual service of remembrance for parents who've lost their baby or a child. It was held in the afternoon and we had a beautiful sunny day to attend the event. I was apprehensive about going back to the hospital where we had Leia. I have not been back their since the end of February when we met with a fetal maternal specialist. I always get a little apprehensive about going back to the hospital. Going to the parking deck area and walking over the pedestrian walkway. Where I went so many times for check-ups with our doctor, baby classes, tours and ultrasounds. It always gets me missing the days of pregnancy and when Leia was with me. During the service they read aloud the names of everyone in attendance. It was so nice to hear Leia's name be read and then they also gave everyone the chance to speak if they so wanted. I couldn't find the courage or strength to do this but one person did. I was too overcome with emotion and thoughts to get myself together and do that. I don't regret it but somehow I just couldn't or didn't want to share at that moment. Then everyone had the chance to write a note or comment on a leaf that was then placed on a tree that had been painted and would be hung in the hospital a later day. After that part they announced that they wanted everyone to go down to the butterfly garden that is located on the first floor of the hospital. When we went walked into the garden a group of parents who have also lost children were playing handbells for us. This was really nice and we listened to several songs and everyone was blowing bubbles in the garden. There was a short receptions after this that we went to for a few minutes. There were several woman in attendance that were expecting and another couple that had lost a set of twins. I really wanted to talk with this couple but didn't see them at the reception part. I am glad that we attended the event. We ended the afternoon by coming home and placing Leia's ashes in the urn that we had bought. The urn is now in her room and I plan to keep it there for now. It was in some way a day of closure doing this and while we were both sad and shed many tears for Leia it makes me feel better to know that a small part of her is still with us and in it's proper place now. Just seeing the other parents and families and to feel their loss and see it does put perspective on our situation and makes us realize that we are not alone and that there are many others out there dealing with a loss that is similar or close to ours. Losing a child before you is not a normal event in a person's life and it seems so wrong and an unfamiliar path that we are walking each day. I have posted some pictures that I took to share. I hope if anyone out in BLM blog world has the opportunity to attend an event like this will go, as I think it will really help.


Dear Leia, We have your ashes in their final place now and in your room. I feel your presence every single day. I feel as if you are walking with me each day. I hope you know how much you were wanted and loved by us. Love you, Mommy & Daddy

Tree of life painting with leaves from families

                                    Leia's name printed in the event papers

Butterfly Garden

                                               Top of Leia's Urn

                                             Side view of Leia's Urn

                                  Book given out at the end of the event

Right Where I am: 4 Months, 3 Weeks & 1 Day

Angie of still life with circles has created a project, asking those of us in the babylost community to write a post about where we right now are in our grief journey.  It's a great idea and I'm proud to participate. Also, thanks to Becky and Molly for their posts on this as I've enjoyed reading them.


I am 4 months, 3 weeks and 1 day from meeting and saying good-bye to my first born daughter Leia Grace. She is the love of my life and I feel her in my heart and with me all the time. The day she was born was one I will never forget. Meeting her for the first time, when she was delivered and put on my tummy, I will never forget that moment. She was then taken and cleaned up by the nurses and brought back to us so we could hold and see her. I remember my hubs sister also holding her and then my niece holding her for a bit. We took several pictures but not nearly enough to remember her by. I wish I had more of her. So many regrets yet no going back.


I still have "triggers" and certain things that will set me off. I still have my usual cry each day. Some days are harder than others and I cannot correlate how these days come up. I feel as if the further we move away from January that it does not seem possible this has happened to me or us. I ask why and then remember also all the feelings and thoughts in those days just after Leia was gone. It was SO RAW, SO PAINFUL, SO HURTFUL. Our first born was with us for such a short time and looking back now just not enough time. I want all of last summer, fall and winter back when I was pregnant and feeling Leia's kicks and movements. I want to go back to that joyful time of being pregnant and blissfully happy.


I can get through days now with other distractions. Work, group therapy meetings, individual therapy sessions, daily household tasks that must be done, walking the dog and other things that used to seem so important but now mean nothing. I wonder sometimes the purpose of it all. Why are we doing this? Why do my hubs and I feel such a strong urge to procreate and have a family? Why are we even here? 


The other big thing we are having to deal with is our dear family and friends. Some of our family have been very supportive while others have basically "disappeared". I guess experiencing this kind of loss helps you realize those that are important and care about you. Some of this family we have helped through some rough times in their lives recently and just thought it would be returned to us during our time of need. I wish some of my family would have an understanding of just what we have been through. It is like they expect us to be normal - but we are not. We are not the same people. We are just trying to get by and make it through each day and week. Functioning at this point is hard some days and other days it is easier. Most of our friends have been very supportive and shown up for us during this time. Just this past weekend we spent with some friends who have two younger children. They are 2 and 3 years old and we can tolerate being around them and they are so cute. We were playing chase with the older one and when he was asked by his parents who gave the best hugs it brought a smile to my face to hear him say my name. I wonder if one day we will be able to play this kind of game with a child of our own. It means so much to me that this couple has really made an attempt to reach out to us during this time. I think they truly get it because they have had a pregnancy loss. Not quite as far along as ours but they too mourn the loss of a son born a few years before their other children. Most all of our friends have been so supportive and here for us during this time. They've reached out to us or made an effort to invite us out or do things with them. For this I am so thankful that they have done this for us.


I feel I am just where I am for my grief. There is no timeline, there is no perfect little pill to take that is going to make everything better. I need time to sort things out and to mourn losing Leia. Nothing is going to bring her back and nothing is going to magically make me feel better. I think all I can do now is keep doing what I have been doing and work through my grief and continue on with my so called life. Try to honor and remember our precious daughter and all that she meant to us and still does. She is in our hearts and constantly in our daily thoughts. Loving and missing you sweet baby girl.