One-year ago was our Leia's due date. This time last year I am most certain I spent the entire day wrapped in grief. The days were spent moaning and crying that she was not here. Many days I would go into her room and lay on the floor thinking of what should have been. I wish things were different but they are not. Now one-year later I have learned to live with the grief of losing Leia. It never really goes away. It is like managing something and you just find ways to get through the day. I'll be thinking of this all day as I write 27 on work papers and think what I should be doing instead of going into work. Ugh... I wish I could take a mental-health day today. So tempting but I've never been the type to do that.
I leave this post with this quote that I came across yesterday. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel
A year ago this would have been impossible to think but now I am happy that I did have 38 weeks with Leia. Just wish I could have had more.
Always in my heart and I look at my favorite picture of Leia from our last ultrasound we had with her.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Thank you everyone for your comments and words from my last post. I wish I could have been happy on Leia’s birthday and hopefully in the future I will be able to be more happier than this first one that just passed. I also want to thank Sarita for your beautiful card with the ladybug. It really meant so much to me that you found a card that marked her birthday perfectly. There were many kind gestures done. Balloon releases (thank you Kelly and Laura), items sent, garden items planted, candles lit, notes sent and donations made to the National Down Down Syndrome Society. It really means so much to me that friends and family have remembered Leia.
Card from Sarita
My niece and her family lit this candle in Leia's memory.
Pendant from Nikki and Teri
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. Over last weekend I changed a table around and put everything out with Leia’s name and cards that we have received. I have decided to move these items to a sitting area at the top of our stairs going to our second floor. I’ve decided I want them out and something we can look at each day. (Just hoping the cat leaves them alone!) I am going to put them on a shelf that we had in Leia’s room. It seems fitting to do this now as I’ve begun the process of thinking what I will do with some of the items that were in Leia’s nursery. That is hard to think about.
On the actual day of Leia’s birthday I did decide to work. I had thought originally through most of this year that I just wouldn’t be able to do it but after much thought I decided to forge ahead and go to work. I was able to keep my emotions in check and for the most part the day went quick. I did come home and go through Leia’s memory box and looked at everything that reminds me of her. I ended up a mess and crying over looking at most of the items and thinking about that day a year ago. The day was similar in weather as last year we were going through an unusual ice storm and this year it was raining, cold and dreary ALL DAY long. I think if it would have been sunny and warm I could have been in a different mood. But the weather being similar to what it was last year just reminded me of what I was missing.
I did buy a bunch of roses and wanted to place a single rose on Leia’s garden in our yard however as mentioned above the weather did not cooperate. I did put the flowers out and we also made a donation the NDSS in Leia’s memory. This is something we plan to do each year on the anniversary of her birth. The money will go towards promoting advocacy for people with Down Syndrome as well as research which my husband is a big proponent of and does this in his work.
So a year has passed. People tell me it will get better dealing with her loss but the more I think about it, that doesn’t really happen. If anything I miss Leia more and I think the only thing you can do is learn to manage and live with the grief. It is always there and popping up at times when you least expect it. A comment made or you see something that reminds you and you are right back there again.
Happy birthday, Leia. I miss you so much and you are always with me in my thoughts and heart.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Today is one-year ago our Leia was born. In three hours it will be 8:45pm and I will be thinking of my little girl not here with us. It is raining and dreary and much like the day was a year ago. So missing my Leia and wishing she were here with us. Remembering my Leia. Love you baby girl.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Well I don’t really know how to start this post other than to say this picture says it all…
Yes, my hubs and I are expecting and we are 20 weeks as of today. I’ve been reluctant in posting any of this exciting news because for one I felt like it was something we needed to keep close and quiet about for some time. Secondly, I don’t want in any way to ever forget our sweet baby girl and firstborn child. We are just fortunate enough to have happened on this journey spontaneously (as our nurse put it). So it just happened. We were trying but not writing down dates or even using ovulation predictors sticks (which we have used extensively in the past). This all started back in mid-September when my cycle did not start, which was really no surprise. Back in June I had seen my regular gynecologist who had told me that I could expect to start having irregular cycles as that is all part of aging. I had just turned 40 that month so a few months later when I was late I just chalked it up to what she had told me. So we waited till I was on day 42 of my cycle before we tested. I sent the hubs out for a pregnancy test because I didn’t have one and wasn’t going to get one till I knew for sure I’d need one. It was a Sunday night and I remember thinking that I would take the test the next morning but after some discussion and thought we decided I would test that night. I remember thinking to myself how I would have that night and the next morning to mentally prepare myself if the test wasn’t what we had hoped for. So about 7:30pm we took the test and I left the stick sitting on the sink of our bathroom. I set the timer on my iphone and left it in the bathroom as well. So a long 3 minutes later I walked in to see the results and was shocked to see it said I was pregnant. My hubs was in our kitchen and I walked out to show him and he was in my arms hugging me and I was immediately crying. I think part of me was overcome with the results as well as thinking of our Leia. It was all so much what had just happened! We were pregnant and this was all natural with no visits to our fertility office or anything else. We just couldn’t believe this was happening to us.
The next few weeks were busy scheduling an ultrasound and first doctor appointment. The first ultrasound we had was extremely tough because it meant a trip to the same office we had been for all of my ultrasounds with Leia. The appointment went well and they were able to tell us exactly how far along we were. Our due date is May 20. We then had to schedule an appointment with the fetal maternal specialist (the doctor I tried to see with my pregnancy with Leia but was denied). The same path was starting as before with the hospital wanting a nurse to call me for a “phone consult”. I was not having any of this. I immediately sent an email to the specialist we had seen back in February after we lost our Leia. He told us at that appointment that if we should get pregnant that he would be happy to take us on as patients. He immediately responded to our email and we were scheduled for our first appointment in mid-October. I told my husband I would give this doctor a few months but that if I wasn’t happy or liking how things were going that we would seek out another specialist. I am happy to say he has been very attentive to our list of questions at every appointment and always responds to any emails I send him. He knows our history and seems to be very considerate and caring to our needs and concerns.
Now, fast-forward to this past month when I had an amnio on December 12. My hubs and I both knew that we needed all the testing this time so that we could prepared and be ready. We would keep our baby no matter what the results but I just felt this time that having the amnio would prepare us for whatever was ahead. I am happy to say that all of our results are back and from what they have tested and looked for all is well with our little offspring that I am carrying.
So today we are at 20 weeks or 5 months. I guess it is halfway but we have discussed options for delivery. We have a doctor appointment at the end of this week and plan to ask some more questions about future plans as the pregnancy progresses. I just feel I can’t be prepared enough. I am also trying to enjoy each day of this pregnancy and just starting to feel some movements of our baby. I want to enjoy and hope all will be well but for most of you out there who are in the same boat as me, you know that we will not be happy till we bring home a living baby. I try to think all will be fine. I have had several good dreams. My sister tells me she has a good feeling about this pregnancy. It is all very hard to imagine until we get to the point of having our baby home.
I end this post and a new year is starting. The year 2011 did not bring our little baby girl into the world the way we had planned but I think of Leia every day and hope to keep her memory alive with us each day as we move forward.
Hoping 2012 is good for every other BLM out there. We are all on different paths, but I think of each one of you every day and the one’s that I have talked to through this year. I would not have met you otherwise so I am thankful and grateful for all of you. I wish you all nothing but the best.