Thursday, June 30, 2011


Well it is the last day of June and the beginning of another month is upon us. I'm not a fan of the beginning of months. We are now coming up closely to the six-month mark of our Leia being born. In some ways I wonder where the past several months have gone and then I think how it cannot be almost six months since she has been gone. We were so close to having everything we ever wanted and then everything changed so quickly. It stings. Of course we have plopped ourselves right in the middle of a neighborhood that is filled with parents and families, children running around outside in the warm weather playing, moms walking and jogging with their strollers, I could go on and on. It is all just a stinging reminder of what we don't have.

To top the week off I got a call yesterday from the doctor I had seen about my kidneys. He is worried about a cyst that was seen during my ultrasound that is near one of my ovaries. He compared it to being the size of a softball and really wants me to see a gynecologist about it. I've known for close to two weeks about it and just chalked it up to being contributed to my endometriosis and figured it really wasn't a big issue. I did call my ob/gyn office that I went to with Leia and they called back to tell me that it was probably nothing and gave me the name of a doctor that I could see. That is not happening. I refuse to go back to this same hospital who I now find myself questioning their practices and procedures. So I will go back to my old ob/gyn office that I haven't been to in over 2 years. I will more than likely have to see a new doctor and go through my recent medical history, etc. I am not looking forward to any of it. I just want a clean bill of health which is probably the case but just to be sure I'll have to get it checked out. I do appreciate this doctor calling me back and taking the time to really care about what is going on with me.

So as of recent we have taken up what other BLM's call "distractions". We have decided to paint one of our bathrooms this weekend. We got samples last weekend and have decided on a color. Now we just need to get the few painting supplies and the paint and we can hopefully knock it out this Saturday. We have also talked about going to see some fireworks which neither one of us has done recently so we may do that as well. We are also excited to try a new Mexican restaurant and finally get to an ice cream place in our area that is known for their exquisite flavors of ice cream. I just found on their website a flavor called "Chocolate Lavender". I wonder what that tastes like?

Really it is all just going through the motions and keeping our minds off reality and keeping ourselves occupied with things that really don't matter. What matters is that we loved our Leia and still do. I am crying less these days but she is constantly on my mind. I see a bird or butterfly and it makes me think of her and what we are missing. I hear a song that reminds me of my pregnancy last summer and feeling her kicks and movement. I see a couple out with their little daughter and her dark hair and think of Leia. It really makes no sense to me sometimes how I can go from being happy to sad so quickly. You just get hit so fast, like hitting a brick wall and you are in that place and you can't get out of it.

I am happy to write that the last stepping stone that I have been frantically searching for in-stores and on-line finally arrived today thanks to Amazon. I have purchased the "L" and the "R" and just needed the "G' to have all of Leia's initials. I plan to put them out in our garden area of our yard this weekend and get some flowers near the stones. Once I have them out and like how they are placed I will take a picture and post it here. It is just my way of honoring and keeping her memory alive. I want to have a place that I can go to outside and see and think of her.

All my love to you Leia Grace. You are gone from this earth but you are always in my heart and constantly on my mind.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Cleaning Up and Organizing

For many years I've had friends, family and colleagues always tell me I've been a bit of a neat freak or as one person said, "anal retentive". This is referring to my need for everything to be organized, cleaned and orderly. This is just how I am and while I haven't been so much like this lately I am suddenly getting back to my obsession of organizing. I am not sure if this is a sign or just my way of a distraction. This morning was no exception as I went through my entire closet and got rid of three bags of clothes. One bag was for donation, one was going to a family member who always loves when I clean out my closets and the last was full of maternity clothes. I don't know why I haven't moved them before today. Most of them are fall or winter type and definitely won't be worn during the hot summer months we are now experiencing here in the south. I guess it was just time to move them to our third floor which serves as an attic now with one day hopes or plans to finish it off. I think one reason I had been hesitant to move them is because it meant taking them up to our attic where many of Leia's items have been placed for storage. Strollers, swings and many other baby items that were moved to our attic back in January. As I left the bag up there this morning I quickly looked at all the items and then before I knew it I was back in the bathroom off our bedroom, in tears. I just couldn't bear to think about everything up there and what it meant. They might never be used or they could be. We just don't know what our future holds. I think more and more about other options. I think about conceiving on our own and that scares me. I think about egg donation and how others I've met here through blogging have gone through many different procedures to get to where they are. I just don't know and the unknown is so hard. I WANT to control what happens but there is none of that in a pregnancy or with this part of life. So now I am looking at hangers on the internet as the obsession continues, I want all hangers that are the same to hang in my closet. Oh how I wish I wasn't looking at hangers and instead holding my baby girl and taking her for walks in her stroller. 

Love and missing you precious baby girl Leia. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Can't Sleep

I am up after about three hours of sleep. I was faithful in taking my melatonin and vitamin B supplements to help with sleeping but somehow they did have their effect tonight. I've had lots on my mind with things that have happened in the past few days and also thinking about things coming up.

So I got the results from my nephrologist and as of right now I have no cysts on my kidneys that can be seen by an ultrasound. This should be good news, right? He also told me that they saw a cyst on one of my ovaries and suggested that I see my gynecologist about this cyst. This has me wondering if the cyst is just my mild case of endometriosis or is it something more. I was hoping that maybe this would have miraculously gone away with everything that happened during my pregnancy with Leia however I think this is not the case. So I think about this cyst. Don't even mention that I have no desire to see any doctor about this much less my last gynecologist. Ick. I just want it to all go away but I know that won't happen.

Saturday came and went. The birthday is over. The other thing I received that day other than turning a year older was my cycle which was a week and one day late. What can be worse than turning 40 you ask? Well getting your cycle that day was my answer. I was secretly hoping that maybe for once something was going right and that we had conceived on our own with no assistance. So not the case and so disappointing. But then there is also part of me that was thinking, if I was pregnant would I be able to handle it? Would it be fair to Leia? Would the pregnancy stick? So many things to think about and acknowledge but now all those thoughts are gone with my cycle coming. 

On Sunday I wanted to do something special for my hubs. He has been so great the past few months. I worry about him and how he is handing the loss of our Leia. He will show his emotion to me once in awhile but for the most part he seems to keep or hold it in. His latest obsession and way of dealing seems to be working out in our home gym. I think about how much I have tried to get us both into working out since we've been together. I could care less about it at the moment however with him it is about the only thing outside of work that he does daily. I am happy that he has taken on the working out but I wonder sometimes if is just his way of coping. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. I just wonder if it is enough but I guess I am not in a state of mind to decide this. So anyways getting back to Sunday and it being Father's Day I decided to get him a key chain with "love you forever" on the tag. I also picked out a card and gave it to him. I know we did not talk about what we would do but I just wanted to show him that he is still a father and that he is remembered by me as being just that. I know he would have been great with Leia and taking care of her every want or need. I see how he is with my two nieces and he really goes out of his way to get to know them or do things with them. I know he would do anything to have our Leia back and the time with her. We have both waited so long in our lives to have or start a family. We are both so ready for a new or different part of life. I am not sure if we will ever get to that. It really hurts to put that into words. 

This weekend I have made plans to spend the day with my youngest niece. She has just turned seven years old. In the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time with my youngest niece. She would come over when her parents were working or just to visit. I haven't spent as much time with her in past months. This is mainly because she is in school now and because I have found it hard to think about what I will say or do when she asks about Leia. I was thinking about that tonight as I laid in bed and it made me start crying. I know she was so excited at Christmas about her "cousin". We had talked about what we were going to name her and if she came early. We all joked about her coming on the day of another family members birthday. Leia came one week before that and not the way we wanted. It hurts and it brings back all those thoughts of January. I can't believe it will be six months soon. It seems as if it was just yesterday that we lost our Leia. 

I've been planning our upcoming trip to see our families in August. In two months we will be at our hometowns and seeing all of our family. On my side of the family there is a wedding taking place. It is so not how I had planned or thought the event would be. I thought we'd have our new little girl with us at the wedding and she would be meeting all of our families and friends. I don't even want to go now but we must. It is my sister's son getting married and it would not be right if we did not go. I know deep down I couldn't do that to him or his fiancĂ©e. They have waited several years to tie the knot and I want to be there to support and give them our love. In some way I know that going back to where I grew up is going to be so HARD. You have all these hopes and dreams and just going back to the place where you had your entire childhood and teenage years, I know is going to be difficult for me. 

Well I think my hour of typing has possibly made me a little sleepy. I don't usually get this lucky. Maybe getting everything out through typing and thinking has helped. I hope everyone out there in blog world is having a better night of sleeping than I am.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Past Several Days

This whole week has flown by. I can't believe it is another Friday. The past few days have been tough just because of several triggers and appointments. I am feeling the need to write things out and hopefully I will feel better.

I had a doctor appointment with a nephrologist yesterday. This doctor deals with kidney issues. Since learning my birth mothers medical history (polycystic kidneys) I felt the need to get in with this kind of doctor and get checked out. I waited two months to see the doctor that we were referred to by our doctor. I really liked him and felt like he really took time with me and to understand what I needed. He started first off right after walking into the exam room by saying he was sorry for my loss of Leia. He had taken the time to read my forms that I spent several hours completing for this appointment (that could be another whole post). It made me tear up and just knowing he took the time to show some compassion and express this to me, I immediately felt at ease. He went through all my medical history and basically told me that based on what I told him that he would need to do some blood tests and an ultrasound to really ensure that I am fine and that I hopefully don't have polycystic kidney disease (PKD), which can be genetic and passed on. Now he did ensure me that maybe my birth mother was misdiagnosed and that there would be a chance I don't have any issues. Which I had thought about this possibility as well. He also told me that more than likely since I had recently been pregnant that there would have been a good chance if there was any issue with my kidneys that it would have been caught during that time. My hubs and I discussed this and thought that would be the case. The doctor said since I had ultrasounds during the pregnancy that a "good" technician would have seen something on my kidneys. I hope this is the case but I am not relying on that. I want confirmation that I am okay physically and that my kidneys are okay. The good news is that the doctor has already called with my blood tests results and told me that everything looks normal with them. Now I just wait for a second call about the results from the ultrasound. Luckily I was able to get all of this done yesterday which is highly unusual. but I had the time and they were able to fit me in. I am glad that happened. I just hope to hear good news and hopefully he tells me that as of right now I don't have PKG. Thinking good thoughts about this.

But now I digress because while I appreciated him commenting about my Leia it did leave me out of sorts for the rest of the day. Yes, I went to work and "got by". I am suddenly questioning my ability and why I took this job. I seem to lack the ability to multitask as well as I used to just a few years ago when I was working full-time. I find myself catching small mistakes and beating myself up. I think about Leia. How I should be home caring for and holding her. Not answering phones and fielding questions from clients. What does it all matter? And then I think of Leia again. I was asked some personal questions by someone I work with and then I think, will they ask if I have children? What will I say? Will I burst out crying and have to leave because I can't take it? So many things come to my mind. But then luckily this person gets distracted and suddenly they are on to something else. I am sighing and thinking to myself that maybe I can make it through. I end up leaving a half hour past my end time with still piles of things to be done. They can all be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter to me at that moment.

So I am home and then we are off to meet up with my sister-in-law. She has insisted on all three of us getting together since my birthday is this weekend. I don't really want to celebrate or acknowledge it in any way. I just want it over. I am turning 40. It sucks. I always say you only feel as old as you are. This year I feel I have aged 10 years in 5 months. She doesn't mention or talk about Leia. This upsets me. She doesn't ever acknowledge or bring her up. This makes me mad. I know it is just her way of coping but I wish she could bring Leia up.

This is not how I envisioned to be celebrating my birthday. I thought Leia would be here with us and we'd have our family complete. The three of us and it would be so special. I appreciate all my family and friends. I've got plans tonight with two close girlfriends who have really been here for me in recent months. One has a baby girl here with her. She is about 1 1/2 years old now. We had talked about our girls playing together and having fun growing up together. The other friend has had her struggles with trying to have a family and she gets me. Tomorrow I have plans with a close family member. We are getting pedicures and then hanging out. A mini-girls day and then my hubs has some plans. I so appreciate everyone reaching out and trying but I want it all over. I just want my Leia here. I am having triggers and they are making me cry. I have gone into her room and listened to the song that plays in the box where her ashes are placed. I look at everything still in the place it was over six months ago. All the carefully picked items placed around the room. I can't bare to think that they will never be used for Leia.

Hanging on by a thread and just wanting this weekend over. I also hope to hear good news from the doctor. Thinking of my Leia always and thinking how I can get through this day. Thank you to all my friends, my dear hubs and my family. You are all trying and I so appreciate it.

Love to my Leia Grace. XOXO

Monday, June 13, 2011

My Necklace with Leia's Name

Yesterday I wore this necklace and while I was buying some peaches yesterday the woman selling them to me commented to me how much she liked my necklace and asked me where I had gotten it. This simple kind comment to me brought the biggest smile to my face and made me think of my Leia. I was so happy for her kind words and that she took the time to tell me. I wear this necklace most weekends and particularly on Tuesdays. It helps me get through the days.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Five Months Today

Today is FIVE months. Five months ago we said hello and good-bye to our sweet Leia Grace. I have been sobbing, crying, thinking of what should have been and our reality. This is not how we had planned it. Our lives are forever changed and we have a new and different way of life. I take more time now to enjoy little things and worry less about things I used to. I had plans today to get outside and work on a little garden area in honor of my Leia Grace. I just haven't had the energy to get to it as of yet. Hopefully, I will be able to get to it later today.

Thinking of other BLM's who are also at this same mark today. Particularly LauraJane and Kelly. I am thinking of you both and sending love and hugs your way.

Dear Leia Grace, I miss you more every day. You are in my heart and I think of you constantly. I wish I could go back to the nine months that I had with you during the pregnancy. I love you so much baby girl. Love, Your Mommy

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Poem by Colleen Hitchcock


And if I go,
while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
–behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
–both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
…I will be there.
“Ascension”   ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock, Minneapolis, MN

Sunday, June 5, 2011

We Remember Them

Yesterday the hospital where Leia Grace was born held their annual service of remembrance for parents who've lost their baby or a child. It was held in the afternoon and we had a beautiful sunny day to attend the event. I was apprehensive about going back to the hospital where we had Leia. I have not been back their since the end of February when we met with a fetal maternal specialist. I always get a little apprehensive about going back to the hospital. Going to the parking deck area and walking over the pedestrian walkway. Where I went so many times for check-ups with our doctor, baby classes, tours and ultrasounds. It always gets me missing the days of pregnancy and when Leia was with me. During the service they read aloud the names of everyone in attendance. It was so nice to hear Leia's name be read and then they also gave everyone the chance to speak if they so wanted. I couldn't find the courage or strength to do this but one person did. I was too overcome with emotion and thoughts to get myself together and do that. I don't regret it but somehow I just couldn't or didn't want to share at that moment. Then everyone had the chance to write a note or comment on a leaf that was then placed on a tree that had been painted and would be hung in the hospital a later day. After that part they announced that they wanted everyone to go down to the butterfly garden that is located on the first floor of the hospital. When we went walked into the garden a group of parents who have also lost children were playing handbells for us. This was really nice and we listened to several songs and everyone was blowing bubbles in the garden. There was a short receptions after this that we went to for a few minutes. There were several woman in attendance that were expecting and another couple that had lost a set of twins. I really wanted to talk with this couple but didn't see them at the reception part. I am glad that we attended the event. We ended the afternoon by coming home and placing Leia's ashes in the urn that we had bought. The urn is now in her room and I plan to keep it there for now. It was in some way a day of closure doing this and while we were both sad and shed many tears for Leia it makes me feel better to know that a small part of her is still with us and in it's proper place now. Just seeing the other parents and families and to feel their loss and see it does put perspective on our situation and makes us realize that we are not alone and that there are many others out there dealing with a loss that is similar or close to ours. Losing a child before you is not a normal event in a person's life and it seems so wrong and an unfamiliar path that we are walking each day. I have posted some pictures that I took to share. I hope if anyone out in BLM blog world has the opportunity to attend an event like this will go, as I think it will really help.

Dear Leia, We have your ashes in their final place now and in your room. I feel your presence every single day. I feel as if you are walking with me each day. I hope you know how much you were wanted and loved by us. Love you, Mommy & Daddy

Tree of life painting with leaves from families

                                    Leia's name printed in the event papers

Butterfly Garden

                                               Top of Leia's Urn

                                             Side view of Leia's Urn

                                  Book given out at the end of the event

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Right Where I am: 4 Months, 3 Weeks & 1 Day

Angie of still life with circles has created a project, asking those of us in the babylost community to write a post about where we right now are in our grief journey.  It's a great idea and I'm proud to participate. Also, thanks to Becky and Molly for their posts on this as I've enjoyed reading them.

I am 4 months, 3 weeks and 1 day from meeting and saying good-bye to my first born daughter Leia Grace. She is the love of my life and I feel her in my heart and with me all the time. The day she was born was one I will never forget. Meeting her for the first time, when she was delivered and put on my tummy, I will never forget that moment. She was then taken and cleaned up by the nurses and brought back to us so we could hold and see her. I remember my hubs sister also holding her and then my niece holding her for a bit. We took several pictures but not nearly enough to remember her by. I wish I had more of her. So many regrets yet no going back.

I still have "triggers" and certain things that will set me off. I still have my usual cry each day. Some days are harder than others and I cannot correlate how these days come up. I feel as if the further we move away from January that it does not seem possible this has happened to me or us. I ask why and then remember also all the feelings and thoughts in those days just after Leia was gone. It was SO RAW, SO PAINFUL, SO HURTFUL. Our first born was with us for such a short time and looking back now just not enough time. I want all of last summer, fall and winter back when I was pregnant and feeling Leia's kicks and movements. I want to go back to that joyful time of being pregnant and blissfully happy.

I can get through days now with other distractions. Work, group therapy meetings, individual therapy sessions, daily household tasks that must be done, walking the dog and other things that used to seem so important but now mean nothing. I wonder sometimes the purpose of it all. Why are we doing this? Why do my hubs and I feel such a strong urge to procreate and have a family? Why are we even here? 

The other big thing we are having to deal with is our dear family and friends. Some of our family have been very supportive while others have basically "disappeared". I guess experiencing this kind of loss helps you realize those that are important and care about you. Some of this family we have helped through some rough times in their lives recently and just thought it would be returned to us during our time of need. I wish some of my family would have an understanding of just what we have been through. It is like they expect us to be normal - but we are not. We are not the same people. We are just trying to get by and make it through each day and week. Functioning at this point is hard some days and other days it is easier. Most of our friends have been very supportive and shown up for us during this time. Just this past weekend we spent with some friends who have two younger children. They are 2 and 3 years old and we can tolerate being around them and they are so cute. We were playing chase with the older one and when he was asked by his parents who gave the best hugs it brought a smile to my face to hear him say my name. I wonder if one day we will be able to play this kind of game with a child of our own. It means so much to me that this couple has really made an attempt to reach out to us during this time. I think they truly get it because they have had a pregnancy loss. Not quite as far along as ours but they too mourn the loss of a son born a few years before their other children. Most all of our friends have been so supportive and here for us during this time. They've reached out to us or made an effort to invite us out or do things with them. For this I am so thankful that they have done this for us.

I feel I am just where I am for my grief. There is no timeline, there is no perfect little pill to take that is going to make everything better. I need time to sort things out and to mourn losing Leia. Nothing is going to bring her back and nothing is going to magically make me feel better. I think all I can do now is keep doing what I have been doing and work through my grief and continue on with my so called life. Try to honor and remember our precious daughter and all that she meant to us and still does. She is in our hearts and constantly in our daily thoughts. Loving and missing you sweet baby girl.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

June and Fix You

Usually the month of June is spattered with many celebrations in my side of the family with three birthdays, father's day and my sister's wedding anniversary. One of those birthdays is mine which I really don't want to celebrate this year. I just want to skip it this year. There just seems to be no good reason to mark it this year. I don't want any fuss or hoopla. My friends and family have other ideas. I have two very good girlfriends who have already told me to save a date for a dinner with them. It is nice of them both to remember me. But let's be honest, I would give anything to have my Leia here with me rather than celebrating another year of my age. That's just how I feel.

I took a long one-hour walk this morning. I enjoy this time outside. On my walk today I saw lizards, squirrels, many many birds and then a spry little bunny just at the end of my journey. He/she darted in front of my path and went hopping off into the woods. This little bunny sat just at the edge of the wooded area and looked back at me as I passed by. I couldn't help but think of my Leia and how the little things in nature mean so much more to me now. I now take the time to enjoy and really take in the moment of seeing little creatures going about their day. On my walks I tend to listen to some music. Some songs I have to skip over quickly as they are too raw or too much to hear. Other songs I listen more to the words and think about their meaning. One song that came up this morning was "Fix You" by Coldplay. My hubs has gotten me into this band and their songs. There was one lyric of the song "And the tears coming streaming down your face" or something like that. This song has taken on a new meaning since listening to it lately. The next line is, "When you lose something you can't replace". This line gets me. So true. I sometimes feel that we wanted Leia here so much with us and it seemed like we were finally getting our "Happy Ending".  It just didn't happen that way. And that part is the hardest because sometimes you don't get what you want and bad things happen.

Another month here Leia and we are approaching five months of you being born and gone. Think of you all the time little girl and miss you so much. All my love to you.